Susan,
I really enjoy reading your e-newsletter and perusing your website. I have a pretty good idea what emotional intelligence is but I am struggling with using the concept to my advantage. I’m a fifty-three year old adult white male, I have had the opportunity to obtain a very good education (BA-History,MSed-Counseling,MBA and more).
My IQ is above 130. At the age of forty-eight, I was diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (non-hyperactive) slightly bipolar, and a tendency to behave in a passive aggressive manner with authority figures, particularly when I’m on the opposite side of an issue. Many people would say I am intelligent, very creative, and optimistic. I am persistent to a fault, aggressive, and I have a problem with boundaries, and taking responsibility for my actions. I have a problem with organization, and as I get older my memory which I have always relied is fading over the normal course of aging. My personality and behavior have gotten me in trouble more that once with my employers. I find it hard to back down on an issue if I think I am right. Usually it is fight not flight for me. Taking ritalin has helped my organizational skills. I still am a pack rat and have a hard time getting rid of my “stuff”. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Tom
ANSWER
Dear Tom,
You must have been compensating very well to have completed education, and worked that long without being diagnosed earlier. Since people with ADD often knock up against authority figures, such as teachers, I can only imagine how you must’ve felt to be diagnosed finally, and to find out it wasn’t just orneriness, laziness, or not caring. That must’ve been quite an adjustment in itself.
I’m not an expert on attention deficit disorder, though I’ve coaching a couple of people with it and also have known some. In fact one of the therapists here in town has ADHD and has told me the only way he can read is if he takes the Ritalin and then has to cope with the side effects that day. I watch him , for instance, never far from his daytimer, and I see him using other cues to keep himself organized. He writes everything down. I think he sometimes loses the train of thought when I’m talking to him (I do his Internet marketing; he’s also a coach), but he always looks like he’s “attending,” an EQ skill, and I’m probably more perceptive of nuances than many people. In other words, because of his EQ skills, he minimizes the disruption. He’s learned to compensate in a lot of ways. He prefers phone to reading and writing, doesn’t use a computer, and has been able to work this out in his own practice.
Well, Tom, you’re saying, “Enough about him, what about me?” I mention this only to share with you that these challenges can be overcome. Coaching is one of the things that can help, because we teach life skills. The Canadian Medical Association has come out and endorsed coaching as one of the extra-medical modalities for helping people with ADD, joining medication and therapy.
You seem to have good self-awareness of where your difficulties lie. How can emotional intelligence help you, Tom? I’ll give you some practical tips here, and encourage you to study more on your own, for instance, taking The EQ Foundation Course and working with a coach.
First of all, for getting organized, I recommend www.theflylady.com . Also try the Gooding Accountability System available on my website, and, as we Accountability coaches like to say, the secret weapon on this accountability system is the coach who comes with it. I strongly recommend coaching for you. It’s an external organizing source.
As to behaving in a passive-aggressive manner with authority figures, I wonder if it’s been explained to you how this works, and what being assertive is like instead, I mean so you know what it looks like and feels like in real life. One of the values of emotional intelligence is that we don’t say “quit being passive aggressive,” we work on Personal Power, so that you learn ways to be assertive instead. Two objects can’t occupy the same place at the same time, and if you’ve being assertive, you’re not being passive aggressive.
Being persistent to a fault is, as you put it, not a virtue, and that can be addressed with different exercises. Flexibliity and impulse control are two things we’d be addressing here in Emotional intelligence. When you get upset, Tom, which is “being on the other side,” breathe deeply, count to ten, and then – if you’ve worked on your EQ – move up to the neocortex and make some choices and responses. Delay the immediate impulse from the reptilian brain. You must learn to put the gap in there between stimulus and response. Therein lies your freedom. If you’re tempted to hit, for instance, make sure that hand has something else to do and that you entrain it.
I would also give you the exercise of taking that “issue” that you’re “on the opposite side of”,” giving it a round shape and placing it in the palm of your hand, and turning it round and round so you see it doesn’t have “your side” and “his side,” it has many sides and can be played with. Caress it and play with it. In that way you get perspective, and can see alternatives. It’s certainly more pleasant.
Everything about Emotional Intelligence takes time and practice because it’s limbic learning. This is not “fast food.” Some say changing a habit takes 21 days. Making real changes in your Emotional intelligence takes at least 3 months. Fortunately it’s enjoyable, because the results are quick and rewarding. There’s backsliding, of course, but learning to self-soothe, for instance, is such a relief. You may not know what I’m talking about.
As to the memory, this is “change,” a transition in life. From what I’ve seen it falls, I don’t know, maybe 10%, though you may feel it as much more (of course look into this medically if need be), so you’re in a transition as you adjust to the changes this causes in your life. I had perfect eyesight until I turned 40 and then had to learn to do everything not being able to see perfectly and it was quite an adjustment. Of course many people have trouble with vision from childhood on up I hadn’t realized how lucky I d been and it’s a lesson I’ve never forgotten – a sweet adversity lesson – “Sweet are the uses of adversity, which like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a jeweled crown on its head.” [Shakespeare] In losing my perfect vision I gained gratitude because only then did I appreciate what I had had, after it was gone, and I vowed to remember this lesson in life. That’s how we learn those life lessons. You don’t mention any physical ailments, so remember to be grateful every day you have legs to stand on and walk with. Some people don’t.
Someone famous said, “They tell you when you get old, you’ll lose your mind. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it that much.” What he’s after here, I think, is that when the memory flakes off a little, we become more forgiving. You don’t remember the slights forever as you used to — who said what and when and where. Don’t know if this resonates with you, but clients have told me this. It can make you more forgiving, both of yourself and others. The initial phase of an adjustment like this can be confusion and disorientation. The old things you relied on aren’t there any more. Now you’ll have to do some of the things you’ve watched other people have to do in their 20’s and 30’s use mnemonic devices, daytimers, writing things down, really adhering to a filing system, and doing many things right away, lest you forget – like paying bills.
Remember that we go through change in the same stages as our brain evolved – reptilian, then limbic, then neocortex. In other words it’s emotional at first, and confusing and we can become paralyzed. Then we move to the next level of coping and that depends on what you’re like – some people remain slow and cautious; others want to “hurry and get it over with.” This is not a productive time, and we need to practice extreme self-care. If you worry, you compound whatever’s going on. This is EQ again. Then things get clearer, and you’re figuring it out and it’s green light go.
Emotional Intelligence could be a valuable part of your wellness program. Coaching for feedback, life skills, learning, support, encouragement and accountability. There are a good number of ADD coaches out there who will have lots of tricks to help you. Email me offline and I can recommend one to you. If you want to pursue EQ, my website has lots of resources.
I’ll leave you with this thought. Once when consulting at a preschool I watched a little boy read. It turned out he was brain damaged in some way, and couldn’t remember from one second to the next what the letter “A” looked like. What he was doing, I noticed after observation, was when the teacher would say “write C-A-T,” he had memorized how to spell it, and that “C” was the 3rd letter of the alphabet. He would then look up at the alphabet letters on the wall around the room and count 1-2-3, and then write that letter down. Then next came “A”. It was, I felt, a tribute to the human spirit, to our endless ingenuity, and to the wonderful ways we can figure out how to compensate for things.
I’d also suggest you take the StrengthsFinder profile to find out what your strengths are. Your coach can help you then learn to use your strengths on your behalf.
Good luck! And thanks for writing. I hope this has been helpful.
Warm regards,
Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach
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