If you can’t understand this one, you’re pretty stupid… See what I mean? Most of us know better than to call other people names and insult their intelligence. Being assertive about our opinions and beliefs is fine, but at some point, assertiveness crosses over into bluntness. And that means you haven’t taken the other person’s feelings into account.
Find out if bluntness is a problem for you. To do that simply ask five of the people closest to you at home and at work something like: “Do I come across as too blunt sometimes?” “Do I say things that hurt other people’s feelings without realizing it?” If you get back some “yes” answers, then you need to pay attention to the ways you communicate. Any one of several things can make your communication hurtful when you don’t intend it. One is obviously your choice of words. Another is the tone of your voice. The words can be fine, but the tone conveys hostility. How would you feel if someone said to you: “That’s a great piece of work.” [said flatly with a slight edge of sarcasm — could be taken as positive or negative].
Many people don’t realize that their tone is gruff or negative sounding. One way to tell is to tape record yourself having a phone conversation. Tape your end of it and play it back. Make sure it’s a substantive conversation where you can really hear yourself speaking at length, preferably to someone you’re not trying to impress. Listen to the tape carefully, pretend it’s someone else. How does this person sound to you? Friendly? Matter-of-fact? Or is there an edge in the voice that’s unfriendly?
Hearing what we sound like to other people can sometimes be a revelation. If there’s a hostile edge to your voice, then you’ll need to consciously modify your tone. That’ll take time – weeks, maybe even months. But nationally recognized speech consultant, Carol Fleming, in her audio program, The Sound of Your Voice, says it can be done, if you’re willing to put in the conscious effort. Modifying the sound of your voice may be the single most important thing you can do to improve the first impression you make on people, after your appearance. One woman I know was told by Dr. Fleming that she pushed the pitch of her voice down [Say next part in lower pitch] in order to sound more authoritative. The woman had to consciously work at allowing her voice to find its natural pitch. It took several months of effort, but it made her speaking voice sound more alive and musical.
In general, overcoming bluntness in your communication style means becoming more aware of other people’s feelings. The more you can do that, the more successful you’ll be in developing satisfying relationships. If you have a tendency toward being authoritarian, you can work on recognizing when it’s appropriate to back off. If you listen more to other people’s opinions, ideas and concerns, you’re less apt to express your own in a blunt way.
confidence
Having confidence means you believe in yourself, you trust your own judgment and resourcefulness. In his many books on self-esteem, Dr. Nathaniel Branden defines self-esteem as the sum of self-confidence and self-respect. For him, self-confidence is knowing that you have the wherewithal to function reasonably well in the world.
You feel competent to make choices, competent to satisfy your needs, to chart the course for your life. Having confidence in specific situations, such as in gaining influence with someone, would flow from a general self-confidence about your ability to meet life’s challenges.
A person who exhibits confidence appreciates a sincere compliment and doesn’t brush it off. A confident person is comfortable giving, and receiving, compliments. He’s also able to handle criticism if it comes his way because he basically likes himself and knows that a single negative incident won’t change that.
Confidence in yourself gets built up over time. You can fake confidence, and you may need to at first, but real self-confidence comes from a history of small victories and accomplishments that add up to a sense that you can handle yourself well in most every situation. I suggest you take an inventory of the major accomplishments you’ve achieved over the past few years. Then remind yourself of the minor ones too. What about the computer course you completed? Have you built anything that still standing? What about those kids you’re raising? That’s (!) an accomplishment. Don’t be modest. Tell the truth about how hard you worked, what sacrifices you’ve made. If you can’t think of any, then begin by congratulating yourself for living as long as you have. Sheer survival is an accomplishment these days! Seriously, it pays to take the time to know your strengths and appreciate them. What’s unique about you? What skills do you bring to an organization or project that you can count on?
Confidence is a fundamental trait for flexibility. It’s hard to be flexible when you’re fearful, or easily intimidated. Confidence is indispensable if you want to engage someone’s attention.
discontent
The next characteristic that belies flexibility is discontent. I’m talking about someone who’s just never positive or completely happy about anything – the nay-sayers, the fault-finders who’ve decided that their mission in life is to tell you the glass is half-empty, in case you missed it. In more vernacular terms, this person is called a complainer, a whiner, a wet blanket.
One possible reason for this type of inflexible behavior is that the person has set high standards for him or herself and no one, including the person herself, measures up. They pride themselves on being able to analyze things critically, to bring a discerning eye to the table. But someone whose primary response is fault-finding, who seems discontented with almost everything, will get little cooperation and respect from others.
If you think that there’s a fault-finder lurking within your personality, ask some people close to you who’ll give you honest feedback. If your suspicions are confirmed – Yes, you can be a wet blanket at times – Yes, people are afraid to share their tentative ideas with you for fear of getting them picked apart – then let me give you a couple of tips.
First, develop the habit of saying something positive BEFORE you say anything negative. You’ll have to make a conscious effort at first if your tendency is to just point out flaws. But if you really do think to yourself “say something positive” before you open your mouth, eventually it’ll become a habit. Sometimes you may have to really stretch to find something good to say. But again, I’m stressing that the way you engage, and the way you communicate is every bit as important as the gist of what you say.
Starting with the negative often stops the flow of a process. If you’re willing to be flexible about how you present your feedback, other people will be much more open to sharing your high standards.
Dr. Tony Alessandra helps companies out-market, out-sell, and out-service the competition with his street-wise, college-smart perspective on business. He has authored 13 books, recorded over 50 audio and video programs, and delivered over 2,000 keynote speeches since 1976. If you would like more information about Dr. Alessandra’s books, audio tapesets, and video programs, or information about Dr. Alessandra as a keynote speaker, call his office at 1-800-222-4383 or visit his website at http://www.alessandra.com