Da Joke Thread...

[Dubbya]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.

To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,

"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[thehappysmoker]

On their 10th wedding anniversary, Charles arrived home with two fine horses. A fiery, spirited one for himself, and a gentler, more docile one for Daisy, his wife.
"The only problem will be telling them apart" he said.
"No problem" replied Daisy, and chalked a large "C" on his one, and a large "D" on hers.
"But that'll wash off when it rains" protested Charles.
"No problem" replied Daisy, and tied a red ribbon on the tail of her horse, and a blue one on his.
"But they will fall off when they brush up against something" protested Charles.
"Well" said Daisy "We'll just have to try to remember which is which. It shouldn't be too difficult, your black one is quite a lot taller than my white one".

[mikmik]

After 40 days and 40 nights the jester returns and tells the king that there are no females of any kind on the island. The king is used to having 10 virgins for breakfast, and by now he is at his wit's end.

Man, it took me a while to get that one!

- - -

Okay, I was at the doctor's office the other day and was put into an examination room, finally. After a few minutes, I heard a conversation so I put my ear to the wall. a woman said, "doctor, kiss me." The doctor replied, "No, I could get in trouble for that, please don't mention it again."
Then after a few minutes, I heard the woman say again, "Doctor, would you please kiss me?" and he replied, somewhat annoyed, "I told you I cannot, and I could get into legal trouble and as far as i am concerned, it goes completely against my ethics. NO!"
Then again, another few minutes later, she almost begged this time, "Doctor, please, will you please, please, kiss me?! PLEASE!"

He got angry and told her in no uncertain terms, "Look, I've told you no, I won't and not only is it illegal and unethical, I could lose my licence and never be able to practice medicine again! You hear me? As a matter af fact," he ranted, "I probably shoudn't even be screwing you!"

[thehappysmoker]

Man, it took me a while to get that one!

You're right. That's what he said.

[mikmik]

I was a wee bit confused about the '10' numbers signifigance, so I read the 'ending' scene to your opera. before I quote, lets me get it straight, 40 + 40, correct?

The King ( looking for new actor, no more good tenors around) sings thusly:

I'll make you - once,
- twice,
- 800 times a lady, lalala,
but your not pure....

so you'll endure,
my love for you!!! lalala.



Fin


So I hear Jouny jokes are not very popular with the ladies, or Maude, my tailor and pharmacist, which then MAKES ME tell one.

Teacher: Today class, as we have been doing so well with our example of one usage of a word in a sentence, today we will use our word twice. Yes Susy...

susy: Ah miss Suchadolski, if I understand your polish accent, we are to use the word twice?

teach: Да. Слово сегодня "красивейше" (Yes. The word today is "beautiful").

susy: You speek beautiful Russian, Ms Suchadolski, and you are wearing a beatiful outfit as well!

teach: Я увижу вас после типа для для нашей встречи, very well после того как я сделан, Сузе-mladeneq! Да, Jouhny? ( HUH? )

jOHHNY: We were at the supper table last night and my 13 year old sister says, "guess what dad I'm, pregnant" and my dad slams his fist on the table and says "Beautiful, just f****ng beautiful"




Fin

[ebuddy]

Lol thats great. Don't have any good jokes myself

[mikmik]

Heres one you can have for future reference!

This guy gets a new job and the first monday after working there a week, he calls in and says he is to sick to work "today". The boss says "alright, but don't make this a habit."

The guy works the rest of the week and impresses the management. But come the next Monday, he phones in again and says he won't be making to work that day. He did so good on the four days he worked last week, the bosses are peeved, but decide to give him one more chance. He shows up, early every day, Tues through Fri and does excellent again.

You know. Another Monday, another day off. So on Tuesday, when he gets to work, the big boss calls him into the office and says "You are a great asset to this company, Joe, but we are fed up with you missing every Monday. What's going on?"

Joe says, "Well, on may way to work every Monday, I stop by my sister's to see if she is alright. She just got divorced, see, and is hurt and lonely.
"Well I console her and one thing leads to another, and we end up spending all day in bed making out."

"What the hell is wrong with you, Joe?" yells his boss. "That is disgusting! You expect us to put up with that?"

"Well", says Joe, "I told you I was sick."

[ctabuk]

Old Joke

England swinging sixties

Guy in an E Type jag sees a gorgeus blonde hitching a lift, he stops and picks her up.

Well, when he said 'put your seat belt on' she coyly replied 'No - if I wear that I can't do this'

So the guy is driving faster and faster and getting a great feeling - this horse and cart suddenly pulled out in front and the guy stands on the brakes. The blonde is cataputed out of the girl and flies over the horse and cart. The guy is sat sobbing in his seat - he was weraring his seat belt.

The guy with the horse and cart walks up and say's 'Sorry about that mate, the blonde is dead, a right mess - are you crying because she was your wife'?

'No - look in her mouth'

[mikmik]

Ouch! LMAO!!

[mikmik]

I was driving and this gorgeous woman was hitch hiking so I stoped and let her in. I could smell the booze on her breathe immediately, and I thought 'This is my lucky day!'

I asked her where she was going and she said "To the liquor shtore a ways up" so I had to move fast.

I commented on her legs and short skirt, and she smiled. I finally put my hand on her knee, and she whispered, "You're passionate", I thought. I moved my hand up her thigh and she got insistent and moaned, "You're passionate, oh, you're passionate!"

I said thanks, you're pretty passionate yourself and she said, "No, the liquor shtore, you're passionate!"