Da Joke Thread...

[Ne0]

Oy vey... this one had me damn near crying I laughed so hard... and btw wenwilder I loved those! Thanks for getting the song stuck in my head!
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Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp each holding a sign.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support" Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

[ctabuk]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[ctabuk]

Wen wrote

'Don't use any punctuation.'

Mod correction Dont use any punctuation

[wenwilder]

ctabuk, you're such a dear! Always there to catch my errors. )

Here's one just for you:


The Importance Of Correct Punctuation

Good Version

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy—will you let me be yours?

Gloria


Bad Version

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

[wenwilder]

And here's one for the road or the end of the day or whatever sink your glass is drinking...

I had 12 jugs of hard cider in my cellar and was told by my husband to empty the contents down the sink, or else!! So I said I would.

I pulled the cork from the first jug and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the second jug and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork from the third jug and poured the cider down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the jug down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the next jug and drank all but one sink of it, throwing the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink from the next glass and poured the cork from the jug. Then I corked the sink with the glass, jugged the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the jugs, corks and glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again and finally had all houses in one jug, which I drank.

I am not under the alcofluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am, nor are I half so think as they drunk I am, but I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the frunder I stand here the longer I get.

[Dubbya]

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called his dog."T-square, do your stuff."

T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have a go at it."

Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, screwed the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for six-month sick leave.

[Dubbya]

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"*

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"*

Exasperated the copilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.*

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea" gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

[ebuddy]

lol, i like short jokes..

Q. How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A. Meat Pattie.

[Dubbya]

OSAMA WRITES TO GEORGE W.

After numerous rounds of, “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive”, Osama himself decided to send Dubya a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to colin Powell, who had no clue so they sent it to the FBI, who sent it to the CIA, then to NASA and the Secret Service.

None could help, so they turned to Canada’s RCMP who replied to the White House as follows:

Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.

[Dubbya]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim but... where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen" she asked.

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jazus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."