Da Joke Thread...

[Dubbya]

Oly comes home from work one day to see Lena sitting on the edge of their bed, naked.

Oly says, "Lena, vutssamatter? Vy for are yuh sittin dare naked?"

She replies, "Vell I don't haff no good clothes to vare, Oly."

"Ooff-dah, Lena! Vy, fer sure yuh do."

Look oaffer in dis here closet! Look, heres dah blue dress, dares yur yellow dress, an dare's Sven, an dare's dah flowered dress..."

[Ne0]

In
1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got
down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece
of wood deeply embedded in it.



As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.



The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curiou s look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments.



Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually
the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot
that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down.



The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while
staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was
the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing
and made his way into the enclosure.



He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.



The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant. betcha didn't see that coming

[crankydave]

ROFL! Ne0... Perhaps it was Ziggy.

Dave

[ctabuk]

That's a Tommy Cooper joke - 1967!!!

[Ne0]

Aight... here's my fav (because my last name is Brown too)

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The
white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings
him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak
voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude
says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to
the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds,
I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right
testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says,
"Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

And my attorney sent me this one yesterday

I was walking in the park the other day and saw this whino sittin on a bench eating a bowl of grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

LOL YaY! more jokes please....

db

[Ne0]

aight here's another one your daily dose


A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

[pagetta]

i ate 5 yoghurts at lunch time - I'm absolutely mullered....

***

a rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a pint of lager and a carrot.
"sorry mate, we don't serve food" says the barman. the rabbit shrugs, drinks his pint and hops off home.
Next day rabbit comes in and asks for a pint of lager and a carrott.
"i told you yesterday, we don't serve food in here" says the barman
again the rabbit shrugs and drinks his pint before hopping home
The next day the rabbit walks in "have you got a pint of lager and a carrot please mate?" he says. The bar man looks up angrily and once agian says "no mate, we DONT SERVE FOOD" by this point getting annoyed.
Every day for a week the rabbit comes in asking for a pint of lager and a carrot, until the barman finally snaps
"can i have a pint of lager and a carrot?" asks the rabbit for what seems the millionth time.
"NO!" snaps the barman " and if you come in here again asking for a bloody carrot I'll nail your flamin ears to the bar!" he shouts
following day in hops the rabbit. the barman eyes him warily as he approaches the bar. the rabbit leans forward to the barman and asks " excuse me mate, have you got any nails?"
"nails?" says the barman "no sorry we haven't"
the rabbit nods.
"in that case then, can i have a pint of lager and a carrot please..."

[wenwilder]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously!

[wenwilder]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

[wenwilder]

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the Economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .. Post in Joke Threads