Alternative Definitions

[carju1]

A fews days ago Syren kindly posted some definitions for a member in a help forum.

At the time I PM'd her some alternatives (But didn't post them as we didn't have a strictly non-serious forum). If anyone has any other alternative definitions then add them in here please. If you have proper definitions then add them to Syrens post.

Blog: Electronic equivelent of teenage angst diary, full of who they love today, who they love tomorrow, and how to save the world with 2 coke cans and a ball of string. Regularly updated for the first few weeks then sporadically updated when someone remembers. Now being promoted - by people who must have a vested interest - as the next great marketing tool.

Flash: Annoying, very high bandwidth using movie, with no use other than to look pretty. Designed by the same marketing people who make tv ads that tell you nothing but cost a lot and win art awards. The same people wrongly think a flash site will wow their customers rather than annoy the heck out of them. Needs large download of flash plug-in, often contains audio/music - which is useless as most people don't have their speakers switched on - and will happily lock up your pc and make you re-boot in frustration.

Before anyone tells me off - the above are meant to be humerous not accurate.

Regards
Julian

[wenwilder]

Just for fun:

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "My computer cost quite a it."


BOOT: What your friends want to give you because you spend so much time ragging about your computer.


BUG: What your eyes do after you've been staring at the computer screen for ore than five hours.


CHIPS: The fattening food computer user eat, to avoid leaving their keyboards even for meals.


COPY: What your son has to do at school because he spends more time at the computer than studying.


CURSOR: What you turn into when your computer goes haywire, as in "You ~#~a/o&4% computer!"


DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for five hours at a stretch.


DUMP: Where all your former hobbies wind up after you install your computer.


ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."


EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you built on to your home for your computer and all its peripherals.


FILE: What your secretary does to her nails all day long, now that the computer does her work.


FLOPPY: The condition of a computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food.


HARDWARE: Tools, lawnmowers and rakes you haven't laid a finger on, since getting your computer.


IBM: The missile your family members would like to drop on your computer to have your attention again.


MENU: What you wont see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.


MONITOR: Those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.


PROGRAMS: What you read to see what was on your television before you got hooked on computers.


RAM: What you instinctively do to the side of your computer when it's not doing what it should.


RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.


TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.


WINDOW: What you heave your computer out of.

[vfaulkner]

An APPLICATION was for employment. A PROGRAM was a tv show. A CURSOR used profanity. And A KEYBOARD was a piano.....
MEMORY was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. COMPRESS was something that you did with the garbage. And if you UNZIPPED anything in public you would be in jail for a while.....

LOG ON was adding wood to the fire. HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road. A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived. And a BACKUP happened to your commode......

CUT you did with a pocket knife. PASTE you did with glue. A WEB was a spider's home. And a VIRUS was the flu......

A COMPUTER was something on tv from a science fiction show.

A WINDOW was something you hated to clean ... And RAM was the cousin of a goat ... MEG was the name of my girlfriend and GIG was your middle finger upright.
BITE was what teeth were for...

[vfaulkner]

A few months back, I was in a bookstore and I asked the clerk where I would find books on UNIX. He looked at me for a moment, and replied "You might want to look in African history."
Trying not to be rude/laugh, I didn't stay long after that...

thanks to mikmik's sig line for the reminder... :-g

[wenwilder]

Computer- and technology-related anagrams

A few of these are slightly geeky, but most should resonate with the typical computer user.

Blue screens of death
= The End, so be careful.
= See crash-befouled NT.
= Feeble code ran thus.
= Solace: the beer fund!
= No FreeBSD? A clue...
= Free clue: bad (honest).
= Fortune's "ache, bleed".
[And a triple-anagram]
= Hateful snob decrees ~ "Trash feeble OS, dunce!"

The Windows operating system =
With DOS, we print Gates's money.

[The anagrammed text is from the terms of service linked to from the page Verisign throws up when a user accesses an apparently unregistered domain. The anagram comments on Verisign's recent move of adding wildcard records for the .com and .net top-level domains.]

Sole Remedy.
YOUR USE OF THE VERISIGN SERVICES IS AT YOUR OWN RISK. IF YOU ARE DISSATISFIED WITH ANY OF THE MATERIALS, RESULTS OR OTHER CONTENTS OF THE VERISIGN SERVICES OR WITH THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS, OUR PRIVACY STATEMENT, OR OTHER POLICIES, YOUR SOLE REMEDY IS TO DISCONTINUE USE OF THE VERISIGN SERVICES OR OUR SITE.
=
Sirs, your rigorous terms of service are so, so good!

If there is the tiniest chance I should make URL entry typos when I visit sites or the domain's nameservers ever cease to function fully, I vow simply to resist ever using DNS - or, easier, 'your' Internet - yes?

Sorry, I can't decide which of those varieties of torture to use...

Idiots.


The Linux operating system =
Total hermits' sexy penguin.

[From the footer added to emails it uses...]
Opera's revolutionary e-mail client =
My poor, li'l ole Atari can never use it.

Or pick one of these instead:
= Opera? I'll use it on my Atari. Clever, no?
= Poor Atari-lover men yell, 'Can I use it?'

Lousy news server ~ runs very slow, see?

[An anagram for your 404 page]
Not found =
No dot-fun

[Another triple-anagram]
A 'remove list':... real motive's... to serve mail.

'Remove list' = Overt slime!


Anonymous remailer = Use 'Marilyn A. Monroe'.

Abort, retry, ignore?
= Error - bitter agony!
= Angrier? Try reboot.

But enough of these old-fashioned DOS errors. Bring on 'new and improved' Microsoft offerings such as:
Microsoft Outlook Express = For some, root exploits suck.

Microsoft Exchange = Go fetch an exorcism!