Puns

[vfaulkner]

A man who submitted almost a dozen bad jokes to a contest and didnot win anything.
Really, no pun in ten did!

:-g


KEEP IT CLEAN!!!!

[minstrel]

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

[minstrel]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to see the doctor. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"

"Hmmm.... then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor.

"Your mother must have been a carrier."

[minstrel]

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.

The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.

Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

[minstrel]

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?"

The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."

And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"

[minstrel]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, man, I'm a panda! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[tertius]

That was two-thirds of a pun...PU!
(Unless you're trying to keep the peace, in which case it's...UN!!!)

[tertius]

Puns aren't just for children; they're also for 'groan' readers...!

[showerherbaby]

Great thread! I love puns, even though they are corny:)

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

www.showerherbaby.com

[tertius]

This one's dedicated to Janeth...<grin>

A Colombian visiting the USA went to a clothing store to buy some socks. Unfortunately, the salesman knew only English (and the Colombian, only Spanish). They run through a whole series of exchanges where the Spanish speaker asked: "Quisiera calcetines, por favor!"

The salesman, not knowing what was desired, brought out shirts, ("No! *Calcetines*!") ties, ("No! *Calcetines*!" ) pants, ("No! *Calcetines*!") undergarments, ("No! *Calcetines*!") sweaters,
("No! *Calcetines*!") hats, ("NO! *CALCETINES*!")--to the growing annoyance of both sides.

Running out of items, the salesman produces a pair of socks. The customer says, "Eso! Si, que es!" ("There! Yes, that's it!") To which the exasperated salesmen snaps, "Well, why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!"

[tertius]

There is a famous Frenchman's remark upon hearing Beethoven for the first time:

"Oui, une vrai bete aux vents..."

[tertius]

An Englishman rides a taxi in Amsterdam. He gets out and says to the driver "Tak euw well" (many thanks). The driver responds the usuall "As euw belift" (sp?)--whereupon the Englishman says "I never did!"

[tertius]

For the medically-inclined:

Whether life is worth living depends on the liver....

[tertius]

Is sheep milk truly ewe-nique?

[tertius]

What happened to the snake with a cold?
She adder viper nose....

[tertius]

For the Brits among us:

What's the lady copper doing up a tree?
She's working for the Special Branch.

[tertius]

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't, you get down from a goose!

[tertius]

Is the tomb of Karl Marx just another Communist plot?

[tertius]

How do you make a cat drink?
Put it in a blender.

Why did the window box?
Because it saw the garden fence.

How do you make a sausage roll?
Give it a push.

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Tread on his toes.

How do you make an elephant float?
Take two scoops of ice-cream, some lemonade, and add one elephant...

[minstrel]

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply." He's losing the great doors of the Ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now... Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."

[minstrel]

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light anddarkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "I think I'll call it a day."

[minstrel]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.

Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one said, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replied the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says, "Then you must be....?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

[minstrel]

Evan and Dai were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst.

All at once they saw a collection of tents and market stalls in the distance. They rushed into the first and asked if they sold water.

"No," replied the Arab stall owner, "We only have custard."

The men went into the next tent and asked the same question.

"I'm sorry," said the second Arab, "We only sell jelly."

Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market, once again asking if there was any water to spare.

"A thousand apologies," said the Arab, "We only have sponge cakes."

The men left, disappointed and a little confused.

"That was weird," said Evan.

"Yes," replied Dai...

"It was a trifle bazaar."


(If this one leaves you with a blank look all over your frontal lobes, you may want to ask someone of British heritage about "trifle".)

[minstrel]

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other "You drive. I'll man the guns."

------------------

Evidence has been unearthed recently indicating that William Tell and his wife and children were avid bowlers.

However, all the league records from that time were later destroyed in a fire. Thus, unfortunately, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[tertius]

What illness do retired pilots get?

Flu.

[tertius]

Overheard at an Italian restaurant:

I don't know whether I'm antipasto or provolone.

[tertius]

Have you heard about the Chinese restaurant that stays open 24 hours a day? It's called Wok Around the Clock.

Have you heard about the Chinese fast food restaurant? It's called Wok and Roll.

[tertius]

Three for the fine neighbors to the north:

Why do the Quebecois need only one egg to make an omelet?
Because in Quebec, one egg is un oeuf.

~~~

A feline in Montreal kept yacking away inappropriately. Finally, his fellow felines tied an anchor around his legs and threw him in the river. The result: Undue twaddle; cat sank. [1,2,3,4,5]

~~~

A class of second graders in Vancouver learning French inadvertently came up with a French pun. After an especially hard day, the teacher sighed aloud, "C'est la vie." With one voice the children called out, "La vie!"

[tertius]

The space station Mir has had so many collisions because objects in the Mir are closer than they appear.

[tertius]

Have you visited the Jewish section of India's capital city?
It's called Kosher Delhi.
~~~

Does that last pun get a standing oy vaytion?

[tertius]

The all-time prize for transmitting the fullest message with the greatest compactness in a bilingual pun must go to Sir Charles James Napier.

In 1843, Napier quelled an uprising in the Indian province of Sind and announced his triumph via telegram to his commanders in London. All he wrote was the one word: Peccavi. The Foreign Office broke into cheers. In an age when all gentleman studied Latin, Napier never doubted that his superiors would remember the first-person past perfect tense of peccare -- and would properly translate his message as "I have Sinned."

[vfaulkner]

"I see!", said the blind man as he picked up a hammer and saw.

[tertius]

One of my favorites:

Time flies like an arrow;
Fruit flies like an apple!

-Tertius

[showerherbaby]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

www.showerherbaby.com

[showerherbaby]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

I guess you can tell my mentality, the "stupider" they are, the more I like 'em.

www.showerherbaby.com

[SyrenSong]

A pun in the lowest form of humour -- it's pure punishment!

[tertius]

A pun is the highest form of humour -- when delivered with 'pun'ache!

[tertius]

And just consider what literature would be without these fine works:
Crime and Punishment
The Pit and the Pundulum
Punocchio
Peter Pun
Punrod
The Punelope section of James Joyce's Ulysses

Also consider how different the course of history and the fabric of society and justice would be if Rome had not prevailed over Carthage in the three Punic wars!

[mdaiah]

Gandi when old, apparently, had sore feet and bad breath.
A super fragile calloused mystic with extra hallitosis.

In the Nth Atlantic there is an ancient fishing competition involving the Tench (a sweet and hard boned fish)Last year's finalists were Doctor Wicks from Fyfe and Swenson Larson from Sweden. After starting Dr.Wicks broke a tooth on the hard bones.
The local paper reported:-One tooth free for fyfe's wicks swenson ate nine tench!

Cafe au lait? asked the waiter in Paris (to a Spanish visitor) "oh you speak Spanish here!"

A Chinese prostitute had tatooed on her breasts "Chou Man Chou" The Japanese had "nipponese".

What do you call ink when it's frozen?

oh dear
Michael

[showerherbaby]

Gandi when old, apparently, had sore feet and bad breath.
A super fragile calloused mystic with extra hallitosis.

Now that's funny:)

[minstrel]

At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia. It was so close to the beach that the porpoises could be seen swimming in to shore at dinnertime. The scouts would amuse themselves by throwing the scraps from their meals to the porpoises every evening.

Because of this the camp's chef would announce the meals by yelling, "It's chow time... for all in tents and porpoises!"

[mikmik]

So a mallard gets caught in a vortex and is trasported back in time where he runs into himself (Flying in the opposite direction). This is known amongst physicists as a pair o' ducks.
Yuk yuk yuk, that one is timeless.

[Sualdam]

Does that last pun get a standing oy vaytion?
No. But it gets a C- for spelling. :)

[Sualdam]

What do you call a deer with its eyes missing?

No-eye deer.

---

What do you call a man with a spade buried in his head?

Doug

---

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

---

What do you call a man with a wooden head?

Edward....

Quickly followed by: What do you call a man with three wooden heads?

Edward Woodward

---

These are the ONLY reason I miss not being at school.

[Greyhawk]

I alway found my favorite pun to be "Hickies suck!"

Greyhawk

[tertius]

What do you call a deer with its eyes missing?

No-eye deer.



What do you call a deer with its eyes and legs missing?

Still no-eye deer....

[minstrel]

What do you call a deer with its eyes missing?

No-eye deer.



What do you call a deer with its eyes and legs missing?

Still no-eye deer....

LMAO! That is one of those things where you have to say, "that is sooooo totally absurd, it's HILARIOUS!"

:-)

[tertius]

Minstrel, in appreciation of your appreciation...<grin>

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way, of course!

[vfaulkner]

Q:What do you call a deer with its eyes and legs missing?

Dinner?

[minstrel]

Q:What do you call a deer with its eyes and legs missing?

Dinner?

LOL... bad vfaulkner, bad vfaulkner

:-)

(also called "venison", I guess)

[wenwilder]

Vfaulkner,

You just had to bring up eating poor animals, didn't ya? ;) Partially in the spirit of halloween, and partially my vegetarian ways, here's my contribution to this punish-ment thread. :)

There was vampire who became a vegitarian.... he turned into a fruit bat.

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood."
The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here."

If Dracula is killed, and then brought back to life, has he been re-vamped?

Enough about that, let's move on:

Today, I had a patient who had two carrots up his nose, a radish in one ear and a stick of celery in the other ear.
He said, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
I told him, "That's because you're not eating right."

When I was a child I tried to eat all of an orange. I found out then that a rind is a terrible thing to taste.

A tomato and a lettuce had a race. The lettuce was a head, and the tomato had to ketchup.

Now lettuce see what else we can come up with. :)

[minstrel]

One day, Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices, and potato chips fall on him from a great height and crush him to the ground.

"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

----------------------

Top 9 signs you're too old for Trick or Treating:

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. You get winded from knocking on the door.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

[mikmik]

Top 9 signs you're too old for Trick or Treating:

Ahem... Oh, I see! NEXT year the list will have ten.

[minstrel]

Top 9 signs you're too old for Trick or Treating:

Ahem... Oh, I see! NEXT year the list will have ten.

No no... think of it as sharepoint... YOU were supposed to add in number 10...

jeeze... this IS a forum... tcha...

[mikmik]

Apparently :
No no... think of it as sharepoint... YOU were supposed to add in number 10...

jeeze... this IS a forum... tcha...

I'm not sure, then if this qualifies, but it is cutting into MY candy intake this year
- They wont let you out of the home unescorted after dark, or;
- People quit saying "Little big to be trick or treating, aren't you?" because you've shrunk back down to 3ft 10in.

[minstrel]

- People quit saying "Little big to be trick or treating, aren't you?" because you've shrunk back down to 3ft 10in.

Is this what you meant by "I understand small business growth. I was one." -New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000 ???

[minstrel]

A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs. But as the weeks went by they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived.

He told them...

"Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."

[mikmik]

minstrel slices deep with
Is this what you meant by "I understand small business growth. I was one." -New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000 ???

I thought that grey haired kid looked familiar.

So two eastern europeans are being interviewed by Canada Immagration one day. They are told that they will only be allowed in if they have skills that are needed here .
The agent then asked the first applicant what he was trained as.
"Pilot" he responded.
"Good, good," said the agent. "We need pilots, you may proceed."
The agent asked the next applicant what his training was.
"Chopit" was his reply. The immigration official studied him for a moment and then said, "Sorry, but I can't really say that I know what good that would be, I've never even heard of it. Your application is rejected - you'll have to leave now."
"But, but, vhat abowt hcihm?" he gestured wildly at the previous guy. "You letting hceehm by. Vhy come not me?"
"OH, well we need pilots" he sighed.
The foriegner spat back,"BAH! Zat ees not FFair! Ve go togesther! I chopit the wood, und he pilot!"

Thus minstrels pun crown remained unchallenged.

[tertius]

Is it proper for a Buddhist pacifist to imitate an Admiral meditating on his navel?

[tertius]

It's said that whatever goes up must come down again, and holds true in many cases.

But launching a pumpkin in the air causes a strange vegetable species transformation to occur, for when you throw a pumpkin high into the air it comes down squash.

[tertius]

Why do people spend so much on buying shampoo when there's a surplus of real poo out there?

[minstrel]

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes, this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic? or perhaps a multiple personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."

[tertius]

And then there's the bohemian poster artist of the Moulin Rouge who, when seeking inspiration, would take a pair of lice out of a pillbox he carried around, and would play with them until inspiration struck.

Who was this strange artist? Twolouse-Lautrec, of course!

[labrynth_of_fire]

how do you make a baby shake?
Put it in a blender
-----------------------------------------------------
ther was a pirate that walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
the bartender says so the pirate "Why the hell do you have a steering wheel in your pants!?!?" the pirate replied
"ARRg its drivin me nuts!"
-----------------------------------------------------
There was a man that walked into a bar
looked at the menu and didnt want anything on it so he asks the waitress "whats todays special?" she replys "cold chili" the man says "sounds good, could I have some" she replys "that man in the blue shirt right next to you had the last of it"
the bowl of it was full so he offers the guy the whole thing and he gladly accepts it, starts eating, sees a dead mouse in it and throws it all back up
then the guy in the blue shirt says" thats about how far i got to"

thats the end of my jokes

[Duncan Pollock]

Recently noticed signs (if you can stand them)
In a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a proctologist's door: "To expedite visit, please back in."
On a plumber's truck: "We can repair what your husband fixed. Don't sleep with a drip. Call a plumber."
Pizza Shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a plastic surgeon's office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push, push, push."
At an optometrist's door: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "I'll be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We'll be delighted if you send us your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station: "Thank heaven for little grills."

[tertius]

Why did the turtle lose the race against the snail?

Because the turtle let the snail pick the 19th alphabetized racecar--and no matter which racer he drove, was helpless as he watched that S car go!!!

(Wen deserves some credit for this one, as she asked the question in another thread... 8^D ...ROTFLOL...)

[tertius]

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail...

[mikmik]

Got this in an e-mail, thus giving more credence to tertius
The email of the species is more deadly than the mail...

"Who's the Best?

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything

repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to

challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any

creature.

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk,

lion and stinker!"

Or not...

[tertius]

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amoré.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Swings his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray...

A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham
Is with marshmallows crammed,
That s'more, eh.

When Canucks have enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more, eh?"

[tertius]

It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles all over the road.
~
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
~
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
~
He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

[chamila]

A person who had dozens of jokes and failed to win.
---------------------
Chamila
Srilankan Community (http://www.singhalaya.blogspot.com)