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Sualdam
09-23-2003, 09:36 AM
This could get me in real trouble, but what the hey!

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbour for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbour suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbour suggested measuring the heights of the horses.

And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

carju1
09-23-2003, 01:11 PM
Sualdam,

ROFL ... but with Both Brittany and WenWilder having blonde coloured hair I hate to think what they are going to do to your permissions :)

Julian

wenwilder
09-23-2003, 07:19 PM
I've heard turn about is fair play, but I've never been one to play very fair. :p So, the only thing I have to say to your blonde joke Sauldam is this:

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb…:p

Oh, and Sauldam, didn't you at one point say you were blonde as well?

Sualdam
09-23-2003, 07:23 PM
'Blonde' and 'dumb' only affects the female of the species.

It's a well-known scientific fact.

I only mentioned I was blonde as a diversionary tactic in an earlier thread :)

wenwilder
09-23-2003, 07:47 PM
'Blonde' and 'dumb' only affects the female of the species.

It's a well-known scientific fact.

I only mentioned I was blonde as a diversionary tactic in an earlier thread :)

I want evidentiary support! 120 references that support your claim, research material, no less than 140 pages and 200 personal character references stating that you would not deceive a blonde. ;)

Then I'll think about believing your claim that it only affects the female of the species. Also, you didn't specify what species? Remember that the female of some species eat the males! ;)

Sualdam
09-23-2003, 07:53 PM
Females eating the males - it's either that, or take up smoking :) from what I saw on breakfast TV this morning.

Ooh. Ooh.

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear!

wenwilder
09-23-2003, 08:12 PM
Okay Sualdam if that's how ya want to play. ;)

When I was in college for auto-mechanics I was the ONLY girl in the engine rebuilding and transmission classes and being blonde.....I ended up with a HUGE list of blonde jokes. The guys put the list together and taped it to my desk so they could add to it each day. I enjoyed it because now I probably have the most complete list of blonde jokes.

Let's see if I can add any new one's. One of my favorites which shows that it's all in how you ask the question: ;)

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

Now, lets see if you, or anyone can tell me one I haven't heard! Watch the language and the insinuations, this is a polite challange. ;)

Sualdam
09-23-2003, 08:26 PM
Did you hear about the blonde owl?

It went: What! What!

mikmik
09-24-2003, 01:52 AM
Suicide Blonde


A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened,
I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise.
So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Ya ya....read on..


I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton

mikmik
09-24-2003, 01:43 PM
Three women were in an obstetritioners office, a redhead, brunette, and of course, a blonde.

The red head said," I'm having twins!"

The others exclaimed " How funny! I am too" said brunette, "I, as well" the blonde proclaimed proudly.

Red:"I'm having two boys"

Blonde: "How do you know that?"

Red: "Because hubbie was on top when it happenned"

Brunette: "And we're having two girls"

Blonde: "How do you know that?"

Brunette: "Because I was on top when it happenned"

Suddenly blondie burst into tears and began sobbing relentlessly. "What's the matter dear. It can't be that bad. What's wrong?"

Blondie then wailed "I guess that means I'm going to have puppies!"

Feel free to retaliate with bald and/or men jokes.

wenwilder
09-25-2003, 09:26 PM
I've heard'em. Give me something NEW! lol

And lets try to stay a way from the rude, crude, and sexually oriented one's, those are old hat!

The challange is to find a good clean unheard blonde joke. Good luck! ;)

mikmik
09-26-2003, 01:56 AM
I see I've met a formidable opponent but I refuse to give up. I'm hoping some of the brunettes will continue in the quest for the 'Holy Tale' (yuk yuk yuk) along with this 'former brunette who would now be happy to have even blonde locks'.
You're a blast!

sudhani
09-26-2003, 03:34 AM
wenwilder:
And you thought blondes were dumb…:p

I wont defend myself ... if someone calls me dumb ... lol ... I am not a blonde.

mikmik
09-26-2003, 06:18 PM
So this rich guy decides to buy helicopter lessons for his blonde girlfriend so she'll have something to keep her occupied instead of filing her nails and putting on make-up all day long.

It does keep her busy for months and months but eventually it comes time when she can be trusted to take her first solo flight. Her instructors ask if she feels ready and she says "yes, and it's about time you asked!"

They decide that it should be quite safe and anyways they will be in contact with her the whole time over the radio from the flight tower.

So they're all ready to go, she's on the pad with the chopper running and radio contact is good and her instructor says "okay, lift off and climb to 500 ft. and level off" so she does.
"How you doing? Everything okay?" they ask.
"just great".
"Well then, take it up to 1500 ft. and level off" say the instructors with confidence. She zooms up quickly and comes to a perfect standstill at exactly 1500 ft.

"Now what do you think?" they ask.

Silence for a couple of seconds, then she gasps "OH my, the view is breathtaking!" and they all smile.

Suddenly, without warning, the chopper just starts to plummet towards the ground and crashes into a big stand of trees.

Horrified, they run down to the scene and are able to pull her from the wreckage and, much to their astonishment, she is hardly hurt.

They check her out and finally ask her "What happenned, you were doing fine!"

"I don't really know" she informs them. "I was trying to enjoy the lovely view but it was cold up there so I shut that big fan off".

wenwilder
09-26-2003, 08:12 PM
I see I've met a formidable opponent but I refuse to give up. I'm hoping some of the brunettes will continue in the quest for the 'Holy Tale' (yuk yuk yuk) along with this 'former brunette who would now be happy to have even blonde locks'.
You're a blast!

The cavalry (Thanks Sauldam :) is never around when you need them, brunette or otherwise. ;)

I love a good blonde joke as much as the next person, but.....they say truth is stranger than fiction....and that applies to blonde jokes!




The following is a true story....

In July, 1997 a blonde from Wisconsin vacationed at a resort on Table Rock Lake near Branson, Missouri ....it was one of those hot summer days in the 90's, the air-conditioners were running in all of the resort cabins....A blonde came to the door of the owner's living quarters and said, "A fuse just blew in our cabin!"
The owner went to the cabin. The air-conditioner was on and in the bathroom was an electric space heater ....turned on to it maximum output! The owner asked the blonde why she had the electric heater running while the air-conditioner was running....she told him she wanted to shave her legs and it was too cold in the room ....so she got the electric heater out of her car. (Wonder what happened to changing the thermostat on the air-conditioner?) She said when she got cold she got goose bumps and she was afraid she would cut the heads off of the goose bumps when she shaved her legs.

And yet another.....

The blonde woke up to find her house on fire...she dialed 911 and said "come quick my house is on fire"...the 911 operator said "how do we get there?"...the blonde said "on the red fire truck, duh...."

P.S. Why are there blonde jokes .... to make brunettes jealous.
Why are blonde jokes so simple .... so brunettes and men can understand them.

Sualdam
09-26-2003, 08:51 PM
Wenwilder.... calvary?

Is the apocalypse nigh?

wenwilder
09-26-2003, 11:39 PM
Calvary....cavalry....spelling is my second language and it only proves I really am blonde :p

mikmik
09-27-2003, 12:40 AM
wenwilder wrote "...spelling is my second language and it only proves I really am blonde :p"


What with all the discussions about "Washington Post's Style Invitational", and "Post subject: ...at the rghit pclae" and "webdesigners corneal abberation syndrome" (made that one up) it's a wonder that anyone around here can still spell....
Oh ya:
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
Blonde says, "Change it into what? Just buy a new lamp, silly"

...not to mention sleep deprivation...

Sualdam
09-27-2003, 08:19 AM
Reminds me of:

How many dyslexics does it take to chane a thigl blub

(if that is offensive to anyone I'll delete it) :)

mikmik
09-28-2003, 03:04 AM
?ynam woh ,wonk t'nod I mablauS ,oN

A business man is on the office elevator one morning when a blonde secretary gets on.
The doors close and they start up towards the top floor when she says merrily "T.G.I.F."

He looks at her and says "S.H.I.T."

She frowns momentarily, then decides to try again. "T.G.I.F." she says, even more musically this time. "S.H.I.T." he sings back.

Now she's annoyed at him, "T.G.I.F.!! Don't you get it? Thank Goodness It's Friday, silly".

He looks at her and says, " Sure Honey, It's Thursday"

wenwilder
09-30-2003, 01:18 AM
Now she's annoyed at him, "T.G.I.F.!! Don't you get it? Thank Goodness It's Friday, silly".


Why do blonde's have T.G.I.F printed on the inside of their shoes?

T.G.I.F. = Toes Go In First ;)

minstrel
09-30-2003, 01:34 AM
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "Okay, you're free to go. You know, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

mikmik
09-30-2003, 05:03 PM
Be careful, minstrel, they are lulling us into a false sense of superiority, meanwhile they plot.....

NAH!

mdaiah
09-30-2003, 11:58 PM
My blonde cousin came to visit from Ireland. She (Sheila) loves driving trucks and got a job driving for a local trucking company.
Anyway she drove the rig right off the Dorrigo Mountain.
Afterwards when they asked her why she did it, she replied, "because I wanted to test the air-brakes!"
Michael

mdaiah
10-01-2003, 12:05 AM
years ago when I worked in Sydney I had a lovely doctor near my office, and yes she is blonde. Her habit was to finish at 3pm daily and go to the bar (which was between our offices) where she always had an almond daickery (spelling please Wen). Richard,the barman, was always ready for her. One day however he ran out of almonds and the chef said," they're on order but just for this afternoon use these, they're roasted and ground hickory nuts".
So the Dr came in at 3pm, tasted her drink and asked,
"Is this an almond daichery Dick?" to which he replied,
"No, it's a hickory dachery doc!"

mrbuyout
10-01-2003, 02:07 PM
Thank you all! I have had some great laughs on this forum!!!!!!!!Does give me time to relax.

wenwilder
10-02-2003, 02:10 AM
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

Czar
10-02-2003, 02:11 AM
So I heard that jokes were being told here... figured i would through in a few :-)

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '2000

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country

wenwilder
10-02-2003, 01:07 PM
years ago when I worked in Sydney I had a lovely doctor near my office, and yes she is blonde. Her habit was to finish at 3pm daily and go to the bar (which was between our offices) where she always had an almond daickery (spelling please Wen). Richard,the barman, was always ready for her. One day however he ran out of almonds and the chef said," they're on order but just for this afternoon use these, they're roasted and ground hickory nuts".
So the Dr came in at 3pm, tasted her drink and asked,
"Is this an almond daichery Dick?" to which he replied,
"No, it's a hickory dachery doc!"

Daiquiri is the correct spelling, but I think yours is more creative. Great joke by the way!

mikmik
10-03-2003, 03:44 PM
Someone blonde said:
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

You see, in the beginning.....

Adam went to God one day, "God?"

"Yes, my son?"

"You have created a wonderful place for me. The weather is always perfect, the plants and animals are are beautiful, and there is abundance of all I need. However, it still seems like there is something missing. I feel, uh.."

"Lonely?"

"Yes, lonely. That's it. I do hate to complain."

"It is alright. I understand. I have been taking it easy lately. What would you say if you could have a wonderful creature to keep you company, one that would always be there to listen to and support you, one who would provide new delicious meals for you everyday, one who would attend to your every ache and sickness and faithfully nurse you back to health, and one who would provide you a very special closeness and intimacy?"

"I would rejoice! How may I achieve such a blessing?"

"You must give up one hand, one ear, and your feet"

"Uh ,God?"

"Yes, my son?"

"What could I get for a rib?"

Sualdam
10-03-2003, 03:46 PM
Very good.

Two minutes ago I looked into this forum and thought this thread had died...

;)

mikmik
10-03-2003, 04:05 PM
We can't let that happen, Sauldam :O]

wenwilder
10-03-2003, 09:40 PM
Very good.

Two minutes ago I looked into this forum and thought this thread had died...

;)

With all the blonde jokes out there as yet untold, how can this thread possibly die? ;)

You've Got Mail
A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."

My computer never tells me I have mail, it just dings me. Guess that's why they call me a Dingy Blonde huh? ;)

tertius
10-04-2003, 01:14 AM
I've heard'em. Give me something NEW! lol
...
The challange is to find a good clean unheard blonde joke. Good luck! ;)

A transcript of a FAX copy from my archives:

STATE OF COLORADO [seal]
Department of Revenue [Governor info]
[Address] [Division Executive Director info]
[phone]

BULLETIN NO. 91-32

Date: April 1, 1991
To: ALL COLORADO INSURANCE AGENTS
ALL COLORADO DEALERS OF NEW/USED VEHICLES

From: COLORADO DIVISION OF INSURANCE
COLORADO DIVISION OF MOTOR VEHICLES

Subject: AUTOMOBILE DIMMER SWITCHES

1. Pursuant to the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicle Act No. 91-12, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Colorado after January 1, 1992 will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted on the left side floorboard. The dimmer switch must be designed for operation by pressing the switch with the left foot. The switch must be located in such a position and distance from all left foot pedals to avoid confusion or inadvertent operation of the switch and/or pedals.

2. Included in the above Act and beginning January 1, 1992 all vehicles licensed within the State of Colorado having steering column mounted headlight dimmer switches must be retrofitted with floorboard mounted switches as described in (1.) above. The steering mounted headlight dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which fail to retrofit the headlight dimmer switch will FAIL all annual Colorado State Safety Inspections performed after January 1, 1992.

3. It is recognized that this Act will cause some hardship for the citizens and driving public in this State; however, this change is mandated in the interest of public safety. Colorado DMV Act 298-99847 (as revised) will mandate all motor vehicles registered within the State of Colorado revert to the floorboard headlight dimmer switch design having been in prevalent use prior to the introduction of foreign market vehicles containing steering column headlight dimmer switches.

4. This Act in the interest of public safety is based upon the 1990 study titled "Initiation Sequence of Colorado Nighttime Highway Traffic Accidents" conducted jointly by the Colorado Highway Patrol, Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles, and University of Colorado School of Health, which has shown that 96.41% of all Colorado nighttime highway accidents and 31.78% of all Colorado nighttime highway accident fatalities are directly attributable to blondes entangling left feet in the steering wheel while attempting to dim vehicle headlights to oncoming traffic.

(Any comments or chortles, wenwilder??? <GRIN>)
-Tertius

wenwilder
10-05-2003, 09:34 PM
4. This Act in the interest of public safety is based upon the 1990 study titled "Initiation Sequence of Colorado Nighttime Highway Traffic Accidents" conducted jointly by the Colorado Highway Patrol, Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles, and University of Colorado School of Health, which has shown that 96.41% of all Colorado nighttime highway accidents and 31.78% of all Colorado nighttime highway accident fatalities are directly attributable to blondes entangling left feet in the steering wheel while attempting to dim vehicle headlights to oncoming traffic.

(Any comments or chortles, wenwilder??? <GRIN>)
-Tertius

I have heard that one and still find it hilarious! Thanks for posting it! My turn ;)

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."


And one of my all time favorites!

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"


Enjoy and don't give up! There is a blonde joke out there that I haven't heard, I have faith! :)

minstrel
10-06-2003, 11:55 PM
A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.

"Where to?", asked the smiling ticket agent.

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

minstrel
10-07-2003, 12:01 AM
Three blondes, training to become detectives, are being interrogated by a policeman. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then conceals it.

"This is your suspect," he says. "Tell me how you would recognize him."

"That's easy," replies the first blonde. "We would catch him quickly because he only has one eye!"

"Ummmm.... that's because the picture shows his PROFILE!", the policeman says.

Flustered by such a ridiculous response, he shows the picture to the second blonde for 5 seconds and tells her the same thing, "This is your suspect. Tell me how you would recognize him."

The second blonde lets out a little giggle, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be so easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

"What's the matter with the two of you?", the policeman snaps angrily. "Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Very aggravated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice says, "This is your suspect. Tell me how you would recognize him."

Quickly, he adds, "...and THINK hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third blonde looks at the picture very intently for a moment and says, "Hmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

Not really knowing whether the suspect wears contacts or not, the policeman is surprised and speechless. "That's quite an interesting answer," he says. "Wait here while I go and check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and returns to his office where he checks the suspect's file and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE. The suspect does, in fact, wear contacts. Excellent work! Tell me, how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"Well, duh!", the blonde replies. "He can't wear ordinary glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

Sualdam
10-07-2003, 04:17 AM
I like the way blondes say 'Duh' now. :)

minstrel
10-07-2003, 10:42 AM
I like the way blondes say 'Duh' now. :)

These ones are from California... I believe everyone says "Duh" out there...

wenwilder
10-07-2003, 12:08 PM
51 days...
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"


A blonde dials 911...
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

pcsndreams
10-07-2003, 12:49 PM
FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear."


SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in
the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she
is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported
the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a
K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the
porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
send me a BLIND policeman."

wenwilder
10-08-2003, 10:55 PM
A Young Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

mdaiah
10-09-2003, 06:38 AM
Recently the Queen of England (ElizabethII)found herslef on a balcony in Rome alongside the Pope.

Recalling the historic intolerance between Rome and the Church of England (of which the Monarch, Liz, is the spiritual Head)she says:

"Do you know, that with a slight wave of my hand I can cause all my loyal subjects to cheer and clap for at least 5 minutes!"

"g-g-g-g--go on.....t then, l l e t's c it"
So she does and sure enough the poms all clap and cheer for a full five minutes.

"t- t -= t tha t' s a n oth ing" he responds;
"wi-th a s s s light mova ment of mieeee h e a d aieee canna make alla the Australians ....(wheeze wheeze) p art y and c c c c rack tinnies (open beer cans)f o ra y ea rs t o come.."

"Rubbish!" Liz snorted, WE would I'd like to see that!"

So he turned around and head butted her!
Michael

wenwilder
10-09-2003, 10:13 PM
While having grown-up blonde, having lived my whole life blonde, and knowing that tomorrow, without doubt, I will wake up BLONDE! (barring the unusual, twilight zone probability that weird things happen to the innately weird) ;)

Anyway, I have always loved reading Mark Twain and Albert Einstein, and yes, I can read. ;)

Having said that here's my sometimes laughable, sometimes serious, but always interesting collection of Einstein quotes that will at least make you smile:

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

"The only real valuable thing is intuition."

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

"I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."

"God is subtle but he is not malicious."

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."

"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."

"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."

"God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."

"The whole of science is nothing more than a
refinement of everyday thinking."

"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."

"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."

"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still
greater."

"Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is
something for eternity."

"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

"In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep."

"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."

"Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves."

"No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"

"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."

"Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever."

"The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."

"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."

"Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."

"One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."

"...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."

"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

minstrel
10-09-2003, 11:35 PM
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

(psssstttt.... I think she's trying to tell us something...)

[/code]

wenwilder
10-10-2003, 12:22 AM
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

(psssstttt.... I think she's trying to tell us something...)

[/code]

Yes I'm trying to say got any good one's yet? ;)

minstrel
10-10-2003, 12:36 AM
(psssstttt.... I think she's trying to tell us something...)

Yes I'm trying to say got any good one's yet? ;)

(mental note: warn the others... she's broken the code... apparently, she can decipher italics in parentheses)

wenwilder
10-10-2003, 12:40 AM
(mental note: warn the others... she's broken the code... apparently, she can decipher italics in parentheses)

Hey now, are you picking on me? :)

minstrel
10-10-2003, 12:46 AM
(mental note: warn the others... she's broken the code... apparently, she can decipher italics in parentheses)

Hey now, are you picking on me? :)

No, no... of course not, Wen...

(mental note: allot extra man-hours to that new code)

minstrel
10-10-2003, 01:13 AM
A blind man enters a (can I say this here? women who date women) bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's fair - given that you are blind - that you know five things:

#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
#3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
#4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weight lifter.
#5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

wenwilder
10-10-2003, 01:14 AM
Since you're being so nice Minstrel and NOT picking on me I thought I'd share this: My personal therapy page! (http://www.matazone.co.uk/arm_wrestling_freud.html)

hmmmm this might be a good one for Julian too. ;)

mdaiah
10-10-2003, 03:03 AM
Blondie comes into the hair salon wearing small head phones and hands a note to the hairdresser which states, "Cut around the headphones and I'll pay you extra." Go enough -

2months later same deal and gradually over the months Blondie becomes a regular.

One day the assistant is so distracted as she puts the cover around the client that she knocks the head-phones off Blondie's head.

Blondie falls dead from the chair..
The hairdresser rushes over, takes up the headphones (thinking they might give a clue) and hears:
"Breathe in.....breathe out. Breathe in.....breathe out....
Michael

EdRust
10-10-2003, 03:15 PM
about...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

This is what she pointed to...

http://www.manbottle.com/pictures/710.htm

if you want to save time and not go look
it was the OIL cap (upsidedown/backwords)

mdaiah
10-10-2003, 05:09 PM
Hello EdRust,

Springfield mate, isn't that where Homer lives?

The inmates knew all the jokes so well they just used numbers. "65" roars a big bearded man and they all crack up.
"27" states another and all laught at length.
This goes on for a bit then a new inmate thinks he'll have a go, "47" he calls out and no-one laughs.
What's wrong with that joke he asks his cell-mate?
Nothing, it's a great joke, must be the way you're telling it!
Michael

wenwilder
10-15-2003, 05:34 AM
about...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

This is what she pointed to...

http://www.manbottle.com/pictures/710.htm

if you want to save time and not go look
it was the OIL cap (upsidedown/backwords)

My engine rebuilding teacher had that one posted behind his desk, he also liked to post the tool test that students took at the beginning of the year.....more than 90% of the 'boys' who took auto mechanics could not tell the difference between a pencil and a pen. And they gave me a hard time for being blonde! ;)

Here's another one that I always enjoyed.

In Hot Pursuit

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

mdaiah
10-15-2003, 04:32 PM
The blonde motor-cycle cop.

A new sportscar comes with tw booster buttons. It was speeding so the cop chased it on her motor-bike. The driver hit the green button - zooom - but after a while the cop was catching up.
the driver hit the reb button and the sportcar just took off!!

Is she still there the passenger asked? As they couln't see the bike they turned and drove back only to see the bike splattered into the tree, across the road....and the poor cop dazed and batered.

What happened to you? they asked the cop.
"Well" she murmured," you took off so fast I thought my bile had stopped so I got off to have a look!"
Michael
Want gigantic ear-lobes- ask me how. Send $1000 today.

carju1
10-17-2003, 06:18 AM
A man entered a bus, both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people, a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked:

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Julian

tertius
10-17-2003, 11:32 AM
A priest, a rabbi, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. Bartender sez, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

wenwilder
10-19-2003, 04:35 AM
String Theory

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

mdaiah
10-19-2003, 07:59 AM
The English landowner came back to his estate in Ireland and found the main gate ajar; so he called Mick and asked, "Why is the main gate left ajar?"
" Oh" says Mick, "well yr see Sir, I was half expecting you".
Michael

mdaiah
10-19-2003, 08:06 AM
<Mod note> Michael, I liked the joke as would most of the members and as someone who lived a lot of their life in Wales I don't take offense at Sheep jokes, BUT as there is no age limit in this forum any joke involving or implying sex with animals is a NO NO. <carju1 Mod>


Michael

As Moses came down with the tablets, he turned back to Jaweh and asks, "We're meant to give up all the oil and cut the end off WHAT!?"

carju1
10-21-2003, 11:59 AM
DEAR DIARY
The honeymoon is over and I'm about to start my first week at home as a wife I think I'll impress Bob and try to be a good cook.

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is
what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got
back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for dinner(oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven
and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would
like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

wenwilder
10-22-2003, 02:30 AM
On the OTHER side of the coin:


A sudden change of mind

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.




Going crazy with confusion

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"


I do enjoy jokes! ;)

mikmik
11-01-2003, 12:59 PM
The seating arrangements at the wedding must have been a nightmare. Don't even speak to me about wills.

And you must've heard this one;
A wife comes bounding through her door and shrieks elatedly to her husband "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"Great," he yells excitedly, " Where should I pack for, the mountains or the beach?!"

"I don't care. Just get the $^@# out!!"

cyanide
11-01-2003, 04:11 PM
okay, here's mine

dedicated to Wen and Brittany:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand
and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup tea,

and then

..." he sighed,






(Scroll down)







(Scroll down)






"let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box"

carju1
11-04-2003, 04:41 PM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first NFL Football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept
screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

wenwilder
11-04-2003, 07:06 PM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first NFL Football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept
screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

That is the best description of football I have ever heard! LOL I'm not a football fan, I admit it willingly. (To many years cheerleading - ick!)
That was a great joke though! :)

rocky1
11-04-2003, 11:36 PM
A few definitions to broaden our vocabulary whilst we're waiting upon the next Joke!


1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation after an evening on the town.
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
8. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
10. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
12.Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
13. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
14. Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.

Rocky

rocky1
11-05-2003, 02:49 PM
Norman and his wife live in Nebraska. And, one winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........" then the electricpower goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?

With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Rocky

minstrel
11-05-2003, 11:37 PM
Why Did the Chicken cross the road?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us...

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

BILL GATES
Chicken2004 (codename "eChicken") will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, download and play your favorite DVDs on your TV set, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON What is your definition of "chicken"?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
One of them got away across the road?

HOMER SIMPSON

Mmmmmmmmm... chicken...

minstrel
11-05-2003, 11:41 PM
When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham,
Is with marshmallows crammed,
That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?

rocky1
11-06-2003, 01:35 AM
COWBOY WISDOM

1. Don't interfere with something that aint botherin' you none.

2. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of the rain dance.

3. The easiest way to eat crow is while it is still hot. The colder it gets the harder it is to swallow.

4. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

5. If it don't seem like it is worth the effort, it probably aint.

6. The biggest troublemaker you'll ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

7. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

8. If you get to thinking you are a person of some influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.

9. Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

10. Generally, you don't learn nuthin' when your jaw's a flappin'.

11. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

12. Good judgment comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

13. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

14. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Rocky

rocky1
11-06-2003, 01:48 AM
Alcohol Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning
labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your under-garments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tihnk you can tipe real gode.

rocky1
11-06-2003, 02:01 AM
The First Parent
=================


To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or whatever.... here is something to make you laugh. (Remember, this is a laugh!)


Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.


After creating heaven and earth, God created
Adam and Eve (his children).

The first thing he said was, "Don't!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" our first parent, God, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said,

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment
was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!


But there is assurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward to you for not killing your children.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Just remember ~ Be nice to your kids. Someday, they'll choose your nursing home.

Rocky

wenwilder
11-06-2003, 02:07 AM
Going Fishing

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Norhern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out and get some sun.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking, isn't it obvious.)

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading"

"Yes but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you can start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am, " and he left..........

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads, its likely she can also think.

mikmik
11-06-2003, 06:08 AM
Once upon a time there was a woman that gave birth after a difficult pregnancy and tortuous labor. As soon as the baby was deliverred, it was whisked off to be examined in the ICU. Understandabley, the mom was worried about her child and when the doctor came back she asked how her child was.

The doctor said that he had some good news and some not so good news."What is it" she asked.
"Well, the good news is that your baby is healthy...", "Yes, yes?!"...
"Unfortunately it is androgynous" informed the doctor.
"Oh my goodness," she gasped, "that sounds horrible.What does it mean?"
"It means your baby has both female and male 'parts'."
She thought for a moment, and then started to smile,"You mean it has a vagina and it has a brain?"

The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything.
--Mark Twain

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind.
Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-Dan Quayle

rocky1
11-07-2003, 08:15 AM
Why Men Lie

A poor woodcutter was chopping wood. He became thirsty and went down to the river for a drink. As he leaned over the water his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up, with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

mikmik
11-11-2003, 03:31 AM
Gotta get this puppy back up top!

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

carju1
11-21-2003, 07:23 AM
Well we haven't upset Wen for a while:)

A young guy going nowhere and a blonde co-worker were on break in the factory where they worked.

"I think I know how to get a day off work," the guy told the blonde.

"How are you going to do that?" she asked. "Just watch me," he said.

When they returned to the assembly line, he climbed up to the rafters and hung there upside down. The boss came by to see what the excitement was about and asked the man what he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" he replied.
"I think you need a day off," said the boss.

He climbed down and walked out the door with a smirk on his face. The blonde was not too far behind, when the boss yelled at her, "Where do you think you're going?"

She replied, "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark!"

wenwilder
11-21-2003, 05:53 PM
Well we haven't upset Wen for a while:)


Upset me? That's impossible, I'll just get out the soapbox and recommend anger management. ;)

Here's one a friend sent me that I thought was rather good. It's more of a halloween type joke but it has blonde undertones and may leave you in the dark. :)


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

minstrel
12-10-2003, 01:18 AM
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands so there wouldn't be any trouble.

The day of the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the national anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose.

When the national anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat.

The game proceeded, and the inmates were well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.

Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.

The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"

"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, "Peanuts!"

minstrel
12-10-2003, 01:24 AM
Two New York City social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded.

The two social workers looked down at him for a few moments and then silently turned and walked away. As they exited the alley, one remarked to her colleague, "You know... the person that did this really needs help."

wenwilder
12-10-2003, 01:25 AM
I think you read my mind sometimes Minstrel. :) I was going to add that joke to the 'not ready for society' thread the other night, but figured I'd already added enough. :) Love that joke!

minstrel
12-10-2003, 01:30 AM
"I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people's minds, which would be cool, but also to cut down on my cell phone bill." -- Paul Wiley

mikmik
12-10-2003, 10:37 AM
I'm busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its poop on a frozen pond, so what do you want?

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

minstrel
12-11-2003, 01:53 AM
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?", asks the first.

The second engineer replies, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nods in approval, "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

rocky1
12-11-2003, 08:01 AM
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

mikmik
12-11-2003, 08:58 AM
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth.

After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

greeneagle
12-12-2003, 12:20 AM
News Release!
Last week, 3 blonde wives who had always been left behind during hunting season decided to show up their husbands this year and go hunting themselves!

While walking through the woods on a cold morning they came across some tracks.

The first blonde said:
Look at those bear tracks!

The second blonde said:
No, I really think those are deer tracks.

The 3rd blonde said:
No, no, no, I saw it in my husband's "Field and Stream", those ar definitely moose tracks!

About that time, they looked up, just before the train ran over them.

minstrel
12-12-2003, 01:17 AM
15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet time

1. Get 24 boxes of birth control devices & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to customer service.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror to check your nostril hairs.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"

matauri
12-12-2003, 01:48 AM
LOL @ Minstrel !

I had to censor that one from my teen! :-)


Cindy

minstrel
12-12-2003, 10:05 AM
I had to censor that one from my teen! :-)
That was the cemsored version... ;-)

The version for teens isn't suitable for adults.

greeneagle
12-12-2003, 05:50 PM
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called Yam. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other
side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... .. ... ...





Are you ready for this?








A Common Tater

ron sheldrick
12-13-2003, 10:43 AM
"Why are men better at SEO than women? "
Answer "Cos women always run for cover when they see a Spider"

oops sorry ladies...lol

wenwilder
12-14-2003, 02:29 AM
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft....

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .................. $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00

wenwilder
12-15-2003, 08:29 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck,
and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the
street. When the truck stops for another red light,
the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car,
runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker
lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street. At the third red light, the
same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on
the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and
races to the next light. When he stops this time, he
hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the
blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she
lowers it, he says. . .

. . ."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Nebraska
and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

minstrel
12-15-2003, 09:47 PM
:-)

Just as I get my best Newfie jokes from Newfies, I think the best blonde jokes come from blondes.

A while back, one of my blonde friends made an illegal left hand turn and was stopped by a cop, who pointed out the no left turn sign. Her response was to say, "I'm sorry - I didn't see it - what can I say?", and then shaking a lock of her blonde hair at him, added, "See this? It's real!"

He gave her a warning and left.

mikmik
12-26-2003, 09:58 AM
We'll let it slide this time guys, it was/is the holidays, but just a word of note: This time I found it way back on page three, of course I really shouldn't be worried, and I'm not, but I need an excuse for this one - it's not quite strong enough to stand on it's own:

Blonde Moments

This beautiful young blonde walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?"

"I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse.

"Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown."

"You mean a sleeveless nightgown?"

"Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit."

"You mean a bikini?"

"Yeah, OK. And don't give it to me on my virginia."

"You mean your vagina?"

"All right!!" shouts the blond. "Virginia, vagina, just as long as I don't get small cox!"



Now I'm no doctor, but sometimes ..oh, nevermind.

rocky1
12-26-2003, 10:20 AM
Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and
asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".

ldyguique
12-26-2003, 07:47 PM
I was making "very good time" on a trek from Harrisburg down to Northern Georgia, when I was pulled over for speeding in Virginia. Unfortunately, the three other cars that I was playing tag with happened to not be in the lead at that particular moment. Oh, well, guess I'd better slow it down a bit; however, they most certainly were by the time I'd been handed my ticket :((

So, I'm finally down on the Great Smokey Mountain Parkway, with cruise control set on 75 (it's a 55 zone). I pick up a Smokey who trails me for about 3 miles. Finally, the expected happens . . .the blue lights started whirlin' and twirlin'. Mr Smokey the Redneck slowly gets out of his rather conspicuous vehicle and saunters up to my window, all of his leather creakin' and squeekin' (surprised that his belly didn't muffle it more with the overhang).

He eyes me sternly and announces, "You were going 80 in a 55."

I replied, "No, I wasn't!"

After the third exchange, wherein he's getting a mite heated up, he says, "Now, Lookie here, Little Lady, doncha be a-tellin' me you a-weren't a-goin' 80 -- I'LL CALL THE STATIES!!!" (staties aka state troopers vs this local constable)

I look him right in the eye and firmly replied, "I couldn't have been going 80, I had my cruise control set on 75."

A silence ensued. His forehead started rippling and working as he pondered this new piece of information. Finally, he harumphed, "Well, that's still over the speedlimit."

I nodded and allowed as that was a truth and said that there was little traffic, but, yes, I was going faster than legal limit.

He changed tactics. "Whatcha doin' goin' so fast?"

I said that I had quilts in an art gallery down in Georgia (we were in North Carolina) and that I was picking them up and trying to make good time as I planned on sameday return trip (each way is about 10 hours).

He finally nodded and advised me to slow it down -- let me go without a ticket.

I did take a different route returning home.

mikmik
12-27-2003, 06:47 PM
from e-mail:

Celibacy - It's Origins

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters:

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Nick and his wife Anita listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Nick leaned over, touched Anita's arm gently whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Nick's life of celibacy.

ronniethedodger
12-28-2003, 02:57 AM
I was a fan of Carnack the Magnificent on the Johnny Carson show.

Questions were hermetically sealed inside of an envelope,
stuffed into a jar and placed under Funk n' Wagnalls rear porch.

Carnack would answer the question without knowing what the
actual question is going to be...then open the envelope and
read the actual question.

So in that spirit....this is my Blonde version of those envelopes

An Interpreter. envelope----> What do you call a brunette who gets caught between two blondes?

Farfromthinkin. envelope----> What do they call blonde's over in Germany?

I still have checks !!! envelope----> How can I be broke?

minstrel
12-29-2003, 03:24 PM
Dear Darling Son (and That Person You Married),

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is... the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

ronniethedodger
12-29-2003, 06:33 PM
Man...I got a letter like that the other day.

I wished I could of shared it with my long lost
brother who disappeared before I was born. I
wonder what he is like or where he is now. Mama,
doesn't talk about him much...and when she does
there are a lot of other "b" words that goes along
with it.

paulhiles
12-29-2003, 07:17 PM
Following on from mikmik's celibacy post...

"As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will; he will be sure to repent it."
-- Socrates

We need more beautiful women! Sound the horn!! ;-)

Paul

mikmik
01-08-2004, 01:34 PM
Butt Graft

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin.

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

ronniethedodger
01-08-2004, 01:41 PM
Good one Mik....I love it.

mikmik
01-30-2004, 04:04 AM
Bitter Quarrel

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

ronniethedodger
01-30-2004, 10:28 PM
That reminds me of the husband and wife who were coming up on their 50th Wedding Anniversary. One of the main reasons for their longevity and marital bliss was the total respect that they had for one another.

Early on in their marriage the husband had requested that his wife would never ever look inside the trunk of his car. The wife had respected that wish for 49 plus years, but a day before the blessed 50th curiousity had gotten the better of her and she opened the trunk. Inside, she found a basket with two ears of corn in it and a littl over $12,000 in cash.

The next night while celebrating their anniversary at the Starlight Ballroom, the wife was just itching to know what those items were in the trunk and asked her husband about them. While the husband was a little incensed over the idea of her looking inside the trunk against his wishes at first, he soon realized that 50 years was a very long time to have transpired without one transgression...so he decided to tell her what the items were.

"Mabel...I am sorry to say that every time that I cheated on you during our marriage, I would put an ear of corn into the basket."

The wife should have been upset by this fact, but she had figured only two affairs in 50 years of marriage was not so bad for a man. She decided to just nod her head in acknowledgement and give it never no mind.

"What was the cash in the trunk for, Harry?"

At which the husband replied, "Every time I filled the basket...I took it to Market and sold it."