He said, She said...

[minstrel]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

[matauri]

To make a woman happy, all you have to do is to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organised
24. tidy
25. very clean
27. athletic
28. affectionate
29. affable
30. attentive
31. ambitious
32. amenable
33. articulate
34. bold
35. brave
36. creative
37. courageous
38. complimentary
39. capable
40. decisive
41. intelligent
42. imaginative
43. interesting
44. prudent
45. patient
46. polite
47. passionate
48. respectful
49. sweet
50. strong
51. skilful
52. supportive
53. sympathetic
54. tolerant
55. understanding
56. someone who loves shopping
57. someone who doesn't make problems
58. someone who never looks at other women
59. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:

60. are neither jealous nor disinterested
61. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
62. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:

63. Not forget the dates of:
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday
* menstruation

However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk-bon viveur she
meets...

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Let him have s.e.x with you


(have I skimmed in the acceptibility rules??) ;-)



Cindy

[matauri]

And I couldn't resist adding this one..........


AUSSIE LOVE POEM

Of course I love ya darling
Your a bloody top notch bird
And when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I dont mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
Theres somethin there to grab

So your belly isnt flat no more
I tell ya, I dont care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best

Im tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nannas grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footys on
And get me another beer


;-)


Cindy

[carju1]

Men vrs women. Ahh how the thought process differs and becomes one.......

Here's a prime example offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

From a class exercise. "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca and Gary
----------------------------------------------------------------
THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FLAMMING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
Rebecca)

Idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gary)

Cow.
--------------------------------------------------------
Rebecca)

Get Lost.
----------------------------------------------------------
Gary)

Eat Dung.
---------------------------------------------------------
Rebecca)

STUFF YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
Gary)

Go drink some tea.
**********************************************

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
____________________

[mikmik]

Carju1! That's what I immediately thought of. Couldn't find, though. It's classic.
Julian quoted
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully."
Keepin' left of the corpus collosum, this feller iz.
(connecting 'structure' between the to halves of the brain)

But as you pointed, carjul, it brings us together in the end, the 'love/hate' of classic romance.

[Greyhawk]

Cindy that love poems sounds like something my favorite Ausie would have wrote. Yes you guessed it I am a Kevin Bloody Wilson fan.

Greyhawk

[rocky1]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." and laid it on her nightstand.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him up when he noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[rocky1]

How many men does it take to open a beer? ('Ale')
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
---------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
----------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[matauri]

Cindy that love poems sounds like something my favorite Ausie would have wrote. Yes you guessed it I am a Kevin Bloody Wilson fan.

He's tooo funny eh! :-)
You should catch his live shows !



A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." and laid it on her nightstand.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him up when he noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Sounds like something I would do ! LOL :-)




Cindy

[rocky1]

Uh, yes ma'am.... that's sorta what we thought too!

[rocky1]

Not happy with my sweeties mood swings, I bought her a mood ring the other day so I'd be able to monitor her moods. When she's in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead!.

Maybe next time I'll buy her a diamond!!!!

[rocky1]

http://www.rtfi.us/images/perfume.gif

[mikmik]

Raw Material

In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front
of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a
Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.

Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our
house!!"


Torah Scholar



A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what
are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God."


Cool things about being a man

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work.. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. >36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is happily smoking a
cigarette, while the egg is figeting and grumbling. The chicken turns to
the egg and says, "Well, I guess that clears that one up, then."


-----------

A woman goes to see a therapist and says, "I've got a problem.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

"That's quite natural," the shrink says. "What's the problem?"

"The problem," she explains, "is that he wakes me up."


And now, the 'Highlight" of our show:

A 767 is flying over the Atlantic. The engine fails,
and the plane starts to go down. The stewardess runs into the cockpit,
rips off her blouse and screams at the captain,
"Please! Before I die, make me feel like a real woman!"
The captain stands up, rips off his shirt and says, "Okay, iron this."

[mikmik]

rocky1 =
Not happy with my sweeties mood swings, I bought her a mood ring the other day so I'd be able to monitor her moods. When she's in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead!.

Maybe next time I'll buy her a diamond!!!!

The last one I was with was one of those 'take it out on the ones you love' types, and those 'moods' were viscious.
She went to the doctor one day after seeing something on Oprah, (the leading cause of wealthy doctors in the US) so she gets back, and announces that her symptoms are real! Faint glimmer of hope - maybe there is a cure - I pray to myself?
"I have menopause", she tells me, " and the doctor said that for my type of case, it could last at least ten years"

Was that a smile on her face?

[rocky1]

You mean yours actually smiled for that? Maybe I should have waited a few years before trading mine off!

[Narasinha]

You know, I have to agree completely with most of these.


Cool things about being a man

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Well, not quite. See link below.


8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Considering it's been four years since I had it cut, there's nothing to notice.


9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
No comment.


13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
Nope... Wedding dress $30, and clothes I already had. See Tammy and Dan's Handfasting (http://balder.prohosting.com/djohnson/handfasting.html).


29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
Yeah, but hex codes are another story.

[mikmik]

rocky1 wrote
You mean yours actually smiled for that? Maybe I should have waited a few years before trading mine off!

I don't know if she was smiling at the torture she planned to inflict, or the fact that i turned completely white as the realization of what she said hit home. Now that's funny!

Narasihna, I like your wedding idea..I got hitched on a cliff overlooking the ocean in a similar type of idea - many moons past. I had A hair cut less than # years ago, I have a pony tail, and I have the same validation 'certs' from W3C!
I cheated, had to finally go with tables, this time!

[minstrel]

I got hitched on a cliff overlooking the ocean in a similar type of idea
Great idea! I think all weddings should take place on cliffs - saves time once you realize the full horror of what you've just done... ;-)

[rocky1]

Lends a whole new meaning to "Jumping into Marriage" when you think about it. "You first, honey!"

[wenwilder]

Lends a whole new meaning to "Jumping into Marriage" when you think about it. "You first, honey!"

IF I ever get married again I am going to put the following in the invitations:

~I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.~

I just can't remember who said it!

[minstrel]

~I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.~

I just can't remember who said it!
Rita Rudner?

[rocky1]

IF I ever get married again I am going to put the following in the invitations:

~I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.~

I just can't remember who said it!

Sure she claims to know what we're going to say before we say it, but she can't remember who said something that's already been said! Is there a name for that Menstril? I mean, besides Alzheimers!

[matauri]

Is there a name for that Menstril?

Sounds like an over the counter medication for PMS (PMT) ;-)



Cindy

[rocky1]

I'm glad you said that! And, I'm surely not going to
it either!

[matauri]

I'm glad you said that! And, I'm surely not going to Matauri wrote:

it either!

I really ducked for that one! You lost me there mate :-)


Cindy

[minstrel]

I'm glad you said that! And, I'm surely not going to Matauri wrote:

it either!

I really ducked for that one! You lost me there mate :-) Cindy
You lost all of us with that one, Rocky... it's the tie! Loosen the tie, in the name of all that's holy! It's cutting off oxygen to your brain, man! Next thing you know, you'll be out there with wet socks thinking you're a fisherman or something...

[rocky1]

I was ducking the PMS comments! Just in case...

[matauri]

I was ducking the PMS comments! Just in case...

Bravery or a wuss? hmmmmmmm ;-)

PMS, PMT or whatever which country calls it... its a fact of life :-) We put up with beer (and I mean beer not weak ale!), yas put up with PMT :-)

But 'menstril' certainly sounds likes the cure to it ;-)



Cindy

[minstrel]

Oh, no... don't drag me into this one. If I had the cure for PMS, I'd be... rich...

[wenwilder]

PMS Survival Guide For Men

Dangerous: What's for dinner?
Safer: Can I help you with dinner?
Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?

Dangerous: Are you wearing THAT?
Safer: Gee, you look good in brown.
Safest: Wow! Look at you!

Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
Safer: Could we be overreacting?
Safest: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
Safer: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
Safest: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
Safer: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
Safest: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

[rocky1]

PMS, PMT or whatever which country calls it... its a fact of life :-) We put up with beer (and I mean beer not weak ale!), yas put up with PMT :-)

Just hang on a minute we'll get to all of that!


PMS Survival Guide For Men

Uh.. nope ~ PMS Survival Guide for Men ~

en-us - PMS=Pack My Suitcase - I'm going to the Holiday Inn for a few days!

en-au - PMT= Pack My Trunk - It's gonna take more than a few days?

And, yes by beer we were certain you meant Stout Ale!

[matauri]

I'm with Wen as usual on this one ! :-)

And by beer....we mean 'real' ice processed beer.....not beer flavoured cordial ale. And not that amber colour fluid called Fosters that suckers rest of world in. And that XXXX....must have been invented by the 'ale' inventors ;-)

Never argue with an Aussie on beer !!! :-)
(especially an ex-publican) ;-)



Cindy

[cyanide]

PMS Survival Guide For Men

Dangerous: What's for dinner?
Safer: Can I help you with dinner?
Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?

Dangerous: Are you wearing THAT?
Safer: Gee, you look good in brown.
Safest: Wow! Look at you!

Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
Safer: Could we be overreacting?
Safest: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
Safer: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
Safest: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
Safer: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
Safest: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.
Ahhh, man ....
I need some lessons ! (sheesh)

[mikmik]

Step aside, rocky1 I'll handle this. I don't have a family that relies on me.


rocky wrote:
I was ducking the PMS comments! Just in case...


Bravery or a wuss? hmmmmmmm ;-)

PMS, PMT or whatever which country calls it... its a fact of life :-) We put up with beer (and I mean beer not weak ale!), yas put up with PMT :-)

But 'menstril' certainly sounds likes the cure to it ;-)
"Bravery or a wuss",eh? It is called "Common Sense"

Ale is not weak beer, it is lager like 'fosters' that , oh just go here.http://www.redhook.com/ The 'nitro' looks good, it also causes the 'bends' if you pee to fast, and there is even one called "Blonde", in honor of it's viscious bite: It's called "A well built beer"
For the record:
Ale - made with a top fermenting yeast, ales are described as "hearty, robust, and fruity."
Bitter - a mainstay in English pubs, this golden-brown draft ale is top-fermented, hoppy, dry, and lightly carbonated.
Lager - made with a bottom fermenting yeast, lagers are characteristically "smooth, elegant, crisp, and clean." Comparable to pilsener.
Stout - typically dark, heavy, and richly flavored, stout is "top-fermented beer made from pale malt, roasted unmalted barley, and often caramel malt."

Never argue with an Aussie on beer !!! :-)
(especially an ex-publican) ;-)

She always knows how to sucker me in, and I always go for it.

Menstr-ale ...
Oh, no... don't drag me into this one. If I had the cure for PMS, I'd be... rich......
Pure genius with the name. Two target markets. Only prob, the women won't take it without a fight.
As Rodney Dangerfeild put's it - "My wife always makes love with her eyes closed. She can't stand to see me happy."

First, radiations from Nebraska - via lunar re direction, now my core belief shattered by an half blondie, Dinky-di Wooloongabba,handle rejecter, Ridgy-didge ripper tall poppy!

So there (o:

Sorry folks, I had a brutal day, I saw my Psychiatrist first in the morn, do some whingin', and then he told me the bad news... I no longer need help, asin 'better', 'sane'....I'm so ashamed.. lumped with carbonize

[minstrel]

Sorry folks, I had a brutal day, I saw my Psychiatrist first in the morn, do some whingin', and then he told me the bad news... I no longer need help, as in 'better', 'sane'....I'm so ashamed.. lumped with carbonize
No fear, Mik. Just show him (the shrink) the following paragraph... he'll take you back:


First, radiations from Nebraska - via lunar re direction, now my core belief shattered by an half-blondie, Dinky-di Wooloongabba, handle rejecter, Ridgy-didge ripper tall poppy!

[matauri]

Ale is not weak beer, it is lager like 'fosters' that

Fosters isn't beer !! blech !!

And you missed my favourites....ice beer - Hahn Ice or Carlton Cold.
Ice beer- In the ice brewing process, the beer is cooled down to minus 2 degrees centigrade to form ice crystals which are then removed. This crystallisation/purification process enables the removal of certain harsh components in the beer. The end result is a pure, smooth tasting beer. Brewed to the exacting standards of the German Reinheitsgebot or Purity Law, it is a match for the world’s best brews.

:-)


Cindy

[rocky1]

Sorry folks, I had a brutal day, I saw my Psychiatrist first in the morn, do some whingin', and then he told me the bad news... I no longer need help, as in 'better', 'sane'....I'm so ashamed.. lumped with carbonize
No fear, Mik. Just show him (the shrink) the following paragraph... he'll take you back:


First, radiations from Nebraska - via lunar re direction, now my core belief shattered by an half-blondie, Dinky-di Wooloongabba, handle rejecter, Ridgy-didge ripper tall poppy!

I was gonna suggest that!


Fosters isn't beer !! blech !!

And you missed my favourites....ice beer - Hahn Ice or Carlton Cold.
Ice beer- In the ice brewing process, the beer is cooled down to minus 2 degrees centigrade to form ice crystals which are then removed. This crystallisation/purification process enables the removal of certain harsh components in the beer. The end result is a pure, smooth tasting beer. Brewed to the exacting standards of the German Reinheitsgebot or Purity Law, it is a match for the world’s best brews.

I think in order to effectively resolve this dispute of beers, and ales, and such, that you should maybe mail Mik and I a case of that, (each), for Christmas, so we can make our own analytical comparison! Of course there might be a spilt decision there, so maybe you should mail Minstrel a case too for a tie breaker!

[minstrel]

you missed my favourites....ice beer - Hahn Ice or Carlton Cold.
Ice beer- In the ice brewing process, the beer is cooled down to minus 2 degrees centigrade to form ice crystals which are then removed. This crystallisation/purification process enables the removal of certain harsh components in the beer. The end result is a pure, smooth tasting beer. Brewed to the exacting standards of the German Reinheitsgebot or Purity Law, it is a match for the world’s best brews.
Does this violate the WPW rules against blatant advertising (notice how Brittany changed that to "advertizing" on PageOne?) and or blatant self-promotion of Aussie dill-water?

[matauri]

naaa.... I class it as 'education' Dave ;-)


Cindy

[mikmik]

rockythehandsome1 wrote
I think in order to effectively resolve this dispute of beers, and ales, and such, that you should maybe mail Mik and I a case of that, (each), for Christmas, so we can make our own analytical comparison! Of course there might be a spilt decision there, so maybe you should mail Minstrel a case too for a tie breaker!
Now you know why he is my lawyer!

minstrel wrote
No fear, Mik. Just show him (the shrink) the following paragraph... he'll take you back:

mikmik wrote:
First, radiations from Nebraska - via lunar re direction, now my core belief shattered by an half-blondie, Dinky-di Wooloongabba, handle rejecter, Ridgy-didge ripper tall poppy!


He already moved! (now you know why minstrel is my doctor!)

mikmik wrote
Stout - typically dark, heavy, and richly flavored, stout is "top-fermented beer made from pale malt, roasted unmalted barley, and often caramel malt."

Never argue with an Aussie on beer !!! :-)
(especially an ex-publican) ;-)

She always knows how to sucker me in, and I always go for it.

now you know why I am single, and minstrel is my doctor!
*(You know, people, I often if I make sense myself (0=

Matauri wrote:

you missed my favourites....ice beer - Hahn Ice or Carlton Cold.
Ice beer- In the ice brewing process, the beer is cooled down to minus 2 degrees centigrade to form ice crystals which are then removed. This crystallisation/purification process enables the removal of certain harsh components in the beer. The end result is a pure, smooth tasting beer. Brewed to the exacting standards of the German Reinheitsgebot or Purity Law, it is a match for the world’s best brews.
It has nothing to do with taste!!!!!! Sheeesh!!There is only one 'harsh component' that counts, and it doesn't become 'harsh' until you stop drankin it.Uch,u-u-u-u-r-r-r-p-p-p-p-p

Now you know why we get 'bulk discount rates' on Incorrigible Crowns!

[rocky1]

rockythehandsome1 wrote
I think in order to effectively resolve this dispute of beers, and ales, and such, that you should maybe mail Mik and I a case of that, (each), for Christmas, so we can make our own analytical comparison! Of course there might be a spilt decision there, so maybe you should mail Minstrel a case too for a tie breaker!
Now you know why he is my lawyer!


I thought you might approve of that!

[matauri]

There is only one 'harsh component' that counts, and it doesn't become 'harsh' until you stop drankin it.Uch,u-u-u-u-r-r-r-p-p-p-p-p
Then you just want firewater ! How about I send ya voer some bottles of metho...I hear the alcos like that stuff ;-)




Cindy

[mikmik]

mad mat 'beyond the dill forum' wrote:
Then you just want firewater ! How about I send ya voer some bottles of metho...I hear the alcos like that stuff ;-)

And by 'alcos', she means 'what mikmik used to be, before he started getting hangovers that could stop a 'roo in mid lung and fuzzle it from every trying to hop again... ya, uh , hmmm

And by 'metho', she means ' processed ale' with just the good part left

And by 'voer' she means 'I kind of like it myslef-oops,urpp self (o:

And by ';-)', she means 'the same goes for me, DOUBLE!'

xoxoxo *O: .... [0: .... (O:

[minstrel]

ya voer
isn't that Swedish? except I think you spelled "ja" wrong...

[mikmik]

a doctor wrote
a car chasing dill wrote:


"a" car chasing dill?
More than one, then?

Pray tell. Many of them? Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

I do say, though. You and vfaulkner really must knock heads over the habit of using sailor talk. Isn't 'a' one of those " "*" " words?

Hey!! I just remembered something!!! In high school, we used the term 'dill-weed' to call people "dill-weed"!
Think there is some relevance?

[rocky1]

Definitely of scandahoovian origin! It's quite common amongst those of Norwegian and Swedish descent here in North Dakota.

[minstrel]

a doctor wrote
a car chasing dill wrote:

"a" car chasing dill? More than one, then? Pray tell. Many of them? Forewarned is forearmed and all that.
As far as I can make out, Oz is crawling with them... well, more like trotting or galloping I guess... anyway, there's gobs of the beasts running everywhere, scaring the roos, digging under fences after the wombats, frightening little children, and dreaming up ways to get sued or shot at... you can recognize them by the two-toned hair and they're often seen dragging empty beer kegs behind them... (and by kegs, I of course mean above ground swimming pools).

If one of them comes after you, being four-armed might help, but I'd put my money on a fast car and a shotgun.

[minstrel]

" "*" "
This looks a lot like a Koala bear, another one of those odd Aussie animals... they named a beer after it actually - koka koala beer - they swiped the idea from the Barqs and Coke ads on American TV...

[minstrel]

Users guide for ATM machines for men, women, and seniors:

Male Procedure
* Drive up to cash machine
* Wind down window
* Insert card and enter PIN
* Enter amount of cash to withdraw
* Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* Wind up window
* Drive off

Female Procedure
* Drive up to cash machine
* Reverse back 1 foot to align window to machine
* Stall engine
* Wind down window
* Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
* Check make-up in rear view mirror
* Attempt to insert card into machine
* Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car to machine
* Insert card
* Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN written on inside
* Insert PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
* Enter amount of cash to withdraw
* Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
* Retrieve cash and receipt
* Locate purse and place cash inside
* Locate cheque book to file receipt
* Check make-up again
* Drive forward for 2 feet
* Reverse back to cash machine
* Retrieve card
* Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot
* Recheck make-up
* Restart engine and drive off
* Drive for 3 miles
* Release hand brake

Senior Citizens' Procedure
* Pull up to cash machine
* Reverse back 2 feet in an attempt to align window to machine
* Go forward 1.5 feet
* Go back 1 foot
* Go forward 1 foot
* Stall engine
* Wind down window
* Look back at cash machine
* Look down at curb
* Look over at wife and ask her for help
* Wait while wife exits passenger side, walks around the car, squeezes in between the car and the cash machine, and follows remaining procedures for women (see above)
* Check that "eventual left" turn signal is still going strong
* Buckle seatbelt tightly
* Wait for pedestrians to clear lane in front of vehicle for at least 60 feet
* Step on accelerator and then slam on brakes as you are about to reverse into the car waiting in line behind you
* Curse stupid drivers who don't know anything about how to go through drive-through bank lanes
* Drive off with one foot on accelerator and one foot on brake pedal, left signal clicking away, at approximately 5 miles per hour, gripping the steering wheel tightly in a vain attempt to get tall enough in the seat to see beyond the hood of your 1975 Cadillac or 1978 Ford pickup

[matauri]

Users guide for ATM machines for men, women, and seniors:

An Automatic Teller Machine machine hey???

(hehe) Knew I would get you one day ! ;-)


Cindy

[minstrel]

Users guide for ATM machines for men, women, and seniors:
An Automatic Teller Machine machine hey???
(hehe) Knew I would get you one day ! ;-)

I don't know about "get me" but you lost me here... what's the significance of ATM? they have one here near me in rural Ottawa valley and it's hilarious... the number of people you see parking the cars and walking through... duh! remember... same town that can't figure out the roundabout...

[minstrel]

Okay... who put that freakin' HUGE ROI banner in the left-hand column?

[wenwilder]

Okay... who put that freakin' HUGE ROI banner in the left-hand column?

That's what we were all wondering here: http://www.webproworld.com/viewtopic.php?t=9463

[matauri]

ATM machines

Drive thru or walk thru...how can you have a 'machine machine'? ;-)


Cindy

[minstrel]

ATM machines
Drive thru or walk thru...how can you have a 'machine machine'?
"Pfffttt... what do women know about machines?" - Homer Simpson

(no wait... maybe that was Minstrel Simpson)

[minstrel]

it's like "PIN number"... everyone says it because "PIN" by itself sounds silly and makes your mouth come to a screeching halt when it wants to say another syllable or two... the rhythym, Cindy... it's all about the rhythym...

(mental note: the car-chasing dill is becoming insolent... have her taken away and flogged by wombats)

[matauri]

"Pfffttt... what do women know about machines?" - Homer Simpson

Obviously a little more than men ;-)


Cindy

[matauri]

it's like "PIN number"... everyone says it because "PIN" by itself sounds silly and makes your mouth come to a screeching halt when it wants to say another syllable or two... the rhythym, Cindy... it's all about the rhythym...

OOOOO KKKKKK :-)

Does everyone mean 'every cannuck', 'every nth american'...or just every 'male' ? ;-)
"please enter your personal identification number number" LOL ... do I detect a slight stutter there?? ;-)

We prob already have good rhythym down here ;-)



Cindy

[rocky1]

You left out the Senior Citizen procedure of driving over the ATM, having confused the brake and gas pedals on the automobile!

Not really a funny situation on that one however, there was one case in just the last few months where several people were killed in Florida when this occured at a post office. The disaster in Southern California, where an elderly gentleman plowed through an open air market injuring over 60 and killing 10 or 12 was blamed on the same scenario. And, it's reported it happens quite frequently all over. Here in Turtle Lake, ND population 600 on a good day, we just replaced the front of the post office for the second time in the 22 years I've lived here.

These are not just minor little rolled into the building situations either, these were jumped a 6 inch curb and drove into (as in inside ya'll) the building with their automobile! The most recent one, as in the entire vehicle literally into the building, where he sat frozen in terror, foot on the gas thinking it was the brake, front bumper against the corner of an interior wall, until he burned a hole through the floor tile and into the concrete!

The only one's more terrorized than he, were the two elderly gentlemen in the five foot of empty space between him and the back wall of the room, who were I'm sure, trying to crawl through one of those little bitty post office boxes to get away!Fortunately aside from the post office, no one was hurt here!

[minstrel]

good rhythym
*sigh* I was using the olde English spelling, of course...

(why are the insolence police never around when you need them? Mik? Rocky?)

[matauri]

*sigh* I was using the olde English spelling, of course...

Thats your story & your stickin to it ! :-)
But thats OK....I understand....its the after effects of the flu aint it ;-)



Cindy

[minstrel]

I understand....its the after effects of the flu aint it
let's just say it's been a trying week...

[rocky1]

Oh I'm back and forth betwixt studies and here! Last I looked you were doing a pretty good job of defending yourself! But, it appears the "car chasing dill" has got you cornered on the spelling error there however?

[mikmik]

minstrel observerd this irony
(why are the insolence police never around when you need them? Mik? Rocky?)
(offstage) - sound of approaching footsteps, then door opening and closing, heavy breathing/someone out of breath
Hi' sorry I am late. Stopped at a 'drive through ATM machine' and you know when you get around the corner and see a woman at it? Well, knowing that 'time is money', and not having a couple o' mil' to waste, I tried to reverse out of there, but I got hemmed in by another woman, and you know how they have 'the problem' with backing up where they're not used to it? So I, well, here I am. What's going on here, hmmm....

minstrel posted
Users guide for ATM machines for men, women, and seniors:

Male Procedure
* Drive up to cash machine
* Wind down window
* Insert card and enter PIN
* Enter amount of cash to withdraw
* Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* Wind up window
* Drive off

Female Procedure
* Drive up to cash machine
* Reverse back 1 foot to align window to machine
* Stall engine
* Wind down window
* Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
* Check make-up in rear view mirror
* Attempt to insert card into machine
* Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car to machine
* Insert card
* Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN written on inside
* Insert PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
* Enter amount of cash to withdraw
* Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
* Retrieve cash and receipt
* Locate purse and place cash inside
* Locate cheque book to file receipt
* Check make-up again
* Drive forward for 2 feet
* Reverse back to cash machine
* Retrieve card
* Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot
* Recheck make-up
* Restart engine and drive off
* Drive for 3 miles
* Release hand brakeetc...

matauri
minstrel wrote:
"Pfffttt... what do women know about machines?" - Homer Simpson

Obviously a little more than men ;-)

Everyone
Uhm, O - o - o - k - k - a - A - Y - Y

and
Does everyone mean 'every cannuck', 'every nth american'...or just every 'male' ? ;-)
To clarify, 'Everyone', when used in debate, as in "...knows that", or "... says it" is meant to indicate: the trend setters, or, the vast majority (because it is so obvious), or, most specifically, the ones that matter"
leading us to the obvious answer - d - 'all of the above' , as in - 'every cannuck', 'every nth american'...or just every 'male' ( also, it's 'Canuck' ) :o)

[mikmik]

10,000,000 < matauri < 20,000,000
Drive thru or walk thru...how can you have a 'machine

machine'? ;-)
because minstrel 'posted' this
Users guide for ATM machines for men, women, and seniors:

Let's go to the judges, shall we:
James, William (USA) -

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
(tie)


Shakespeare, William (GBR)

There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
(one for minstrel)


Thoreau, Henry David (USA)

Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.
(Another one for minstrel)


--Mark Twain (USA)

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an
asteroid.
( Whoa! Nasty! worth three for minstrel, score: 5.5 to 0.5)


Goethe, Johann Wolfgang (GDR)

Certain defects are necessary for the existence of individuality.
(Overwhelming boost
for the 'lass with pizzazs', that's only the second ever 'five' given out in competition!)


Seems we have a tie. The rules state that we go to the 'most wisest one' for the decision, and here it is:


Homer:
That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow!

And that's the name of that tune! - "Barretta"

*( I never know - is he the great Greek poet, or the Simpson guy? Not much of a difference, really.)