Losing my mind, one joke at a time

[minstrel]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"

[mikmik]

Bravo!
(clap clap)
Encore, ENCORE!!
(clap clap clap clap....)

He's quacking us up (o;

[mikmik]

Sorry, bad choice of words, doc.

[minstrel]

Sorry, bad choice of words, doc.
Not at all, mik2... :-)

I have long been meaning to ask this question...

re: your tag line - the "give my regards to broadway" gag... who is Mike Laing?

[matauri]

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."

It's like before I moved. My house was full of boxes and there was a Ridgeways truck in my driveway. My neighbour comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" Nope. I just pack my stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot on the ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a gas station. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and said, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."

When selling my car a guy comes over to the house and we drive the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Damn, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

A friend driving a 18 wheeler misjudges the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and he couldn't get it out no matter how he tried. He radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok.. no problem. He thought he was in need of a sign himself ... until the cop asked "So..is your truck stuck?" My friend couldn't help himself! He looked at the cop, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, No... I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

:-)

Cindy

[rocky1]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[Greyhawk]

I knew it Matauri is really an Ausie way of saying that Cindy is really a red neck guy named Jeff Foxworthy. Here is your sign.

Greyhawk

[mikmik]

http://www.volcano.net/~jackmearl/songs/gsongs/give_my_regards_to_broadway.html


...who is Mike Laing?Thus, another capable, highly trained doctor, cannot help me in my search. At least you're polite.

[Greyhawk]

http://www.volcano.net/~jackmearl/songs/gsongs/give_my_regards_to_broadway.html


...who is Mike Laing?Thus, another capable, highly trained doctor, cannot help me in my search. At least you're polite.

Mik I don't think there is a doctor alive that can help you. Maybe you need to up your meds once more:-)

Greyhawk

[wenwilder]

Maybe you need to up your meds once more:-)

Greyhawk

I thought I was the one who was supposed to be doing the med change and uppage? (is uppage actually a word?) Do I really have to share with Mik now? :)

[minstrel]

No squabbling now, kids - there's plenty to go round... I think you're all candidates for a "med change and uppage".... ;-)

[labrynth_of_fire]

Can we post michael jackson jokes?
(they are not-so-clean jokes)

[minstrel]

Can we post michael jackson jokes? (they are not-so-clean jokes)
Probably not - jokes that are likely to be offensive to other members because of age, gender, ethnic origin, religion, etc., etc., really aren't appropriate for a mixed audience. The other thing to remember is that "Michael Jackson" jokes and jokes of that sort may be offensive to individuals who have been victimized in various ways in their lives and for that reason will not find it funny and quite possibly might find it hurtful. While it may be impossible to be 100% accurate in trying to predict whether someone is going to read something you post and be offended by it, it's a pretty safe bet that certain types of comments or jokes are definitely going to be offensive to some WebProWorld members.

[matauri]

Probably not - jokes that are likely to be offensive to other members because of age, gender, ethnic origin, religion, etc., etc., really aren't appropriate for a mixed audience.

We passed that one longggggg ago ;-)



Cindy

[labrynth_of_fire]

lol, that works

[minstrel]

Probably not - jokes that are likely to be offensive to other members because of age, gender, ethnic origin, religion, etc., etc., really aren't appropriate for a mixed audience.
We passed that one longggggg ago ;-) Cindy
I stand corrected... apparently, insulting the opposite sex is fine. Thanks, Cindy.

Address all further complaints about female-bashing to Cindy; actually, just address all complaints to Cindy - she needs something to keep her out of trouble while she and Brittany are waiting to finalize those plans for World Domination.

:-)

[minstrel]

Whoa! Spooky, labrynth_of_fire (sorry but I can't even pronounce your new name)...

We managed to post those last two simultaneously... Wouldn't you think that two messages arriving in the same thread at the same time would collide and shatter like a meteor hitting the moon?

Almost creepy...

[Narasinha]

Address all further complaints about female-bashing to Cindy; actually, just address all complaints to Cindy - she needs something to keep her out of trouble while she and Brittany are waiting to finalize those plans for World Domination.

:-)

I've been planning my survival strategy for their efforts. I figured instead of a bomb shelter I have to build a blonde bombshell shelter but I haven't found plans for one yet.

[minstrel]

I figured instead of a bomb shelter I have to build a blonde bombshell shelter but I haven't found plans for one yet.
Are you looking for a structure to protect you from blonde bombshells? or a place to house them?

[wenwilder]

I've been planning my survival strategy for their efforts. I figured instead of a bomb shelter I have to build a blonde bombshell shelter but I haven't found plans for one yet.

You make it sound like it's a bad thing that Matuari and Brittany are planning to take over the world? :)

[matauri]

I've been planning my survival strategy for their efforts. I figured instead of a bomb shelter I have to build a blonde bombshell shelter but I haven't found plans for one yet.

<<< Looks around

Guys...you have to be brave using the blonde jokes with this audience of women :-)


Cindy

[minstrel]

Guys...you have to be brave using the blonde jokes with this audience of women
"Guys"? It was narasinha... I was just trying to clarify his comment.

Remember: I'm on the "do not destroy" list, right?

(Sorry, narasinha, but when it comes to world conquest, it's every man for himself.)

[Greyhawk]

OK Cindy which one of these guys do you want whacked first?

Remeber they can't really tell what I look like.

Greyhawk

[mikmik]

Ahem :
Guys...you have to be brave using the blonde jokes with this audience of women


We passed that one longggggg ago ;-)

Question: What exactly IS the difference between brave and foolhardy, anyways?

narasinha wrote:


I figured instead of a bomb shelter I have to build a blonde bombshell shelter but I haven't found plans for one yet.

I think it is called a "L I B R A R Y"

XOXO

[minstrel]

I figured instead of a bomb shelter I have to build a blonde bombshell shelter but I haven't found plans for one yet.
I think it is called a "L I B R A R Y"

LOL... or "S C H O O L"?

[matauri]

You'll have to refresh my memory...is that the place that has those things called books? Its been such a looooooooong time! (actually Dave, last time was in Kanata library!) :-)



Cindy

[minstrel]

You'll have to refresh my memory...is that the place that has those things called books?
Yes, that's it... but not the one that said "Chapters" or "Smithbooks" on the outside... the other ones...


Its been such a looooooooong time! (actually Dave, last time was in Kanata library!)
Libraries in Kanata have changed - This past summer, the hot debate was whether putting filters on the publicly funded computers (the ones for the use of library patrons) was censorship. This arose when parents complained that teens and adults were using the computers to surf porn sites in full view of younger children in the library. The debate raged on for a couple of weeks, although to me it should have been a 5-minute no-brainer decision.

Actually, Kanata itself is gradually changing as a community - no longer just for The Stepford Wives, they actually have events and stuff to do.... :-)

[mikmik]

Vancouver coach Marc Crawford sends scouts out round the World
looking for a new center to replace Marcus Nasland and hopefully win
Vancouver the
Stanley Cup. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi center who he
thinks
will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Marc flies to Iraq to watch him
and is
suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to G.M Place.
Two weeks
later Vancouver are 4-0 down at home to Montreal with only 8 minutes
left.
Marc gives the young Iraqi center the nod to go on and he puts him on in
place of Naslund.


The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 8 minutes and wins the game for
Vancouver. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and
the media love the new star.


When he comes off the ice he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day
in the NHL "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today, we
were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
players and the media, they all love me".


"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot
in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has
joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Surrey in the first place!