Dogs' Letters to God

[minstrel]

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle to the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.

Dear God,
The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?

Dear God,
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

[minstrel]

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof."

The clerk looked the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"Yeah, I know," the dog replied, "But what sense would that make?"

[wenwilder]

Minstrel,

When I saw this thread I just had to laugh. :) I brought a new puppy home on the 8th and have been trying to learn her ways. I am convinced that I am HER human and she is not MY puppy, something I am learning slowly, but the many growls I hear are helping.

She doesn't write yet, not that I know of anyway, but she does a fantastic job of chewing paper to shreds. She is however learning to type rather well. :)

I generally don't brag about things, but....I have to say, in my opinion, I have the cutest puppy there is! Take a look for yourself if you'd like. You can find a picture of my Angel right here: www.thinkingcritically.net/Angel3.jpg

She'll be seven weeks old today and as soon as she writes a letter to God I'll add it to your collection. :)

"Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's hard to read" - Mark Twain(?)

[Greyhawk]

Dear God

Thank you for the wonderful chew toy. But why do humans call it a cat?


Greyhawk

[minstrel]

ALL baby anumals are cute, but yes, so is your puppy... :-)



"Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's hard to read" - Mark Twain(?)

I think this was said by Groucho Marx.

[rocky1]

Man you gotta lay off that cough syrup!

You're starting to sound like Wen now.

Rocky

[minstrel]

You're starting to sound like Wen now.

(Wen - do you think he means that as a compliment?)

[rocky1]

But of course!

[wenwilder]

You're starting to sound like Wen now.

(Wen - do you think he means that as a compliment?)


But of course!

I knew it had to be meant as a compliment, that's why I didn't reply sooner...I just KNEW Rocky would clarify his meaning. He's just to much of a sweetheart not too. :)

Okay that was my 'playing nice' for the week, I'm going back to being me. :p It takes talent, lack of intelligence and true perseverance to be like me. (It also takes years of practice! I've got another 3 months before I hit my first year and I think I'm doing pretty well at portraying me!) :)

[rocky1]

It no doubt takes true talent to come up with such strange non-sense as Wen does, it could therefore be taken no other way than as a compliment!

Of course if it might get you stirred back up and in the game, I could say "NO!" You been keeping a pretty low profile since that ghosts routine, ya know! You been trying to teach your new dog to talk to the jello, or what?

Rocky

[minstrel]

It also takes years of practice! I've got another 3 months before I hit my first year and I think I'm doing pretty well at portraying me!
hmmm (taking out my notebook).... sorta makes me wonder who you were portraying before...

[mikmik]

Wen said
I've got another 3 months before I hit my first year and I think I'm doing pretty well at portraying me!
then minstrel c.psych
hmmm (taking out my notebook).... sorta makes me wonder who you were portraying before...

Still to come: "The brunette years" ?

[wenwilder]

"Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's hard to read" - Mark Twain(?)

I think this was said by Groucho Marx.

It was Groucho Marx, thanks Minstrel. :) Here's some doggy quotes I know I can't mess up because it's all copy and paste this time :)

The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too.
--Samuel Butler


Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
--Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
--Dave Barry

A dog has the soul of a philosopher.
--Plato

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
--Roger Caras

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.
--Unknown

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater. . . suggest that he wear a tail.
--Fran Lebowitz

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
--Bern Williams


Innocence is endearing, and a furry face makes a great alarm clock. :)

[minstrel]

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' --Dave Barry
:-) I love this one - Dave Barry has some great ones...

Like these (my all-time favorite first):

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." -- Dave Barry

"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer." -- Dave Barry

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" -- Dave Barry

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -- Dave Barry

"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working. This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television...and later to the remote control." -- Dave Barry

"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse, and we will become a primitive society where we all run around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings. Wouldn't that be GREAT?" -- Dave Barry

"Kyrgyzstan is an actual nation located in the western hemisphere. Or possibly the eastern hemisphere. It's definitely in a hemisphere. Historically, Kyrgyzstan is part of the group of nations -- also including Pakistan, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan and Kurdistan - that were founded by a tribe of men named 'Stan.'" -- Dave Barry

And, of course, one from Homer, because NO thread is complete without The Wisdom of Homer:

"It wasn't easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." -- Homer Simpson

[wenwilder]

Still to come: "The brunette years" ?

So you've met my sisters? :) Both of my sisters are brunettes - kinda makes one wonder don't it?

And NO I don't do the hair dye thing, I'm naturally ditzy...oops I mean naturally blonde. :)

[matauri]

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then,


You are probably the family dog :-)


Cindy

[mikmik]

http://www.zippyweb.com/petzippy/

"Too thumbs up!"

[minstrel]

http://www.zippyweb.com/petzippy/

LOL... now that's sad... poor Mik... no real puppy so he has to click on Zippy... :-(

[mikmik]

Oh, I've got a 'real' puppy, alright...

Don't forget:
You do realize, mikmik, that you are THIS close to certifiable? :-)




You are very kind, minstrel, but I cannot take full credit. You see, although I'm the one working the keyboard, I just write what my puppy-dog tells me to.

Oh, I'm sorry - "Mr." puppy-dog. [o;
http://www.webproworld.com/viewtopic.php?p=36210&highlight=#36210

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
--Franklin Jones

Ya, and I'd like to know when I'm gettin' a raise, 'Mr. Puppy'...........'SIR!'

[minstrel]

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '98.
- Fetch command not available on all platforms.
- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
- Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
- Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
- Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
- 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
- Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
- TpO HAqRD TO TgYPE WITyH PAzWS.