Home Remedies

[wenwilder]

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.


5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache..

AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really
are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and
it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.




"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them." ;)

[Jason Tor]

"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them." ;)

I'm not sure I've ever seemed normal :)

[84square]

wen,
I laughed out loud at #3, but I don't think it will go over too well at home.

[Proverbs31Woman]

This is a list of Men's Rules to go along with #3...

The RULES - From a Man's Perspective


We always hear "The RULES" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1) Crying is blackmail.

1) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other one.

1) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

(My witty Hubba's reponse to this one was " Yeah and he also ended up in India when he thought he was in America.")

1) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... really.

1) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1) You have enough clothes.

1) You have too many shoes.

1) I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an even bigger laugh!

[paulhiles]

You're not Ken (greeneagle) in disguise are you?
same post (http://www.webproworld.com/viewtopic.php?t=9852), many months ago...

OR our musical minstrel from some time last year (http://www.webproworld.com/viewtopic.php?p=39388駜)?

just wondering! :o)

Paul ( a very modest break room moderator, with a long, long memory!! )

[Proverbs31Woman]

Nope... Just a female trying to "see" the male point of veiw:) it says pretty much what we women put on our men with our "Rules" and what men think of those "Rules".

And I found this on i-Cop.com... A very good website that hopefully catches on quickly and may well help stop alot of the rip offs on the worldwide web.
i-Cop polices the websites in their *FREE* downloadable directory and if you break the rules of honesty and integrity... You are OUT! They are also included in the long list of those fighting for the small business community... trying to find a fair and viable solution to the internet spam problem.

Hope you found The Rules for Women as humorous as I did... And checkout i-Cop.com... Doesn't cost much to become a member and they have alot of good and relevant information... Especially for those new to the web or those who have a small internet business.

Blessings to all!

[Jason Tor]

Proverbs31Woman, you forgot one:

1) If you are female, don't try and see the male point of view...it will never happen.

Just kidding, funnypost.

-Jason Tor

[PBITech]

Well,

I haven't been around for a bit, but I still think I need a break.
I found this page through Google......

Wen

Number two is hilarious, but can go much deeper. I guess it depends
on the viewers perception. I don't care to elabourate.

Number three is unclear. I'll take it to mean the usual (classic)
thing with the toilet seat (men vs gals).

Number eight. Of course. Of course we're refering to typical
repairs around the house and not any sort of communication problem.
Well, I do have some duct tape;)

Jason

You could almost re-define normal.

Proverbs31Woman

Number one is my favourite.

84square

It will go over. Yes. You'll need some sort of protection. Possibly
you could poke a hole in te shower cutain.

[84square]

PBITech,
Thanks for the advise. But I'm just wondering, are you speaking from experience or just a visionary? LOL

[hal]

Still thinking about #7...



7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache.


Mark Twain said, "I once asked a friend for a good preventative of toothache. He suggested a quart of whiskey. I asked another friend. He suggested a quart of whiskey. That made half a gallon.

...Never had the toothache.

...Don't have one now.

...Don't ever intend to have a toothache."

Hal

[Jason Tor]

When I was a kid, my mom used to give me a shot of whisky when I had a sore throat and a cough...No wonder I'm drinking a beer right now!

[Proverbs31Woman]

I received another great one from the i-cop.org website just the other day... I guess I have a thing for the man/woman rivalry. LOL (and it's www.i-Cop.org not .com as I wrote in my previous post... Sorry)
---------------------------------------------------

Two New Elements Added to the Periodic Table of the Elements:


1. Element Name: WOMANIUM

Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing but may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


2. Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 ± 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.


Good for a laugh for either gender!

[DrTandem1]

Here's an old one:

A man is strolling along the beach in California. He's just had another argument with his wife and daydreaming about getting away to Hawaii. He stmbles over a bottle and picks it up.

Trying to read the label, he rubs some of the sand from it when a genie appears from the bottle. The genie says, "I will grant you one wish." The man says, "I thought I get three." The genie replies, "That's only in the movies." The man thinks for a moment and says, "I wish for a ten lane freeway from California to Hawaii, because I'm afraid of flying." The genie snaps back, "Do you have any idea of the engineering reqired for such a freeway over thousands of miles of ocean? The huge amount of concrete and steel it would take would be enormous. No. Try another wish."

The man thinks and says, "Okay, then I wish to understand women."

The genie says, "How many lanes did you say you wanted?"

[zoneregi]

LOL, okay this forum is now my new favorite hangout. Prov 31, I printed out the man rules, but I don't think my wife enjoyed it as much as I did :)

[Proverbs31Woman]

LOL, okay this forum is now my new favorite hangout. Prov 31, I printed out the man rules, but I don't think my wife enjoyed it as much as I did :)

Maybe you should take her shopping... and by all means tell her you love the outfit she's wearing! Just be sure she's not wearing jeans and an old sweatshirt when you say it... Or you may find yourself camping on the couch tonight!

[mikmik]

Wait! If she tries that one, tell her it must be because she can make any outfit look good on her.
Then run, man, it is all downhill, these types of conversations once they get started.

Samuell Clements said "Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.", or something like that. Maybe it is 'do as they please and you are always wrong' LOL

[hawkwind dave]

'ere Wen,

I figured the mousetrap on the alarm clock was a great idea.

I got to work on time, but now I can't type!

[Tubby]

Using the sink sounds like the perfect solution. . . As long as there is paper handy.

[esiegel]

Using the sink sounds like the perfect solution. . . As long as there is paper handy.

I'm pretty opened to 'innovative solutions'
but that is just too gross.

[mikmik]

Any port in a storm, eh?
lol

Here is one that comes in handy now and again..

Constipated? Drink a half jug of Liquid Drano, but remember to keep the room well ventilated in case of fumes.

[Tubby]

Yes draino - Constipation - Some of older members will recall the old days before computers, or even calculators . . when we would have to work it out with a pencil.