Understanding English

[Brittany]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need. . . = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10 Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like


MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[pedstersplanet]

Sexist! Tut :P

[Brittany]

Sexist! Tut :P

LOL! The irony here is that this was sent to me by a man! 8-o

[mikmik]

All right, who spilled the goods?!

That is supposed to be secret info, Claws ;O) Only men are allowed to know that stuff LOL

[wenwilder]

All right, who spilled the goods?!

That is supposed to be secret info, Claws ;O) Only men are allowed to know that stuff LOL

If only men are supposed to know it, then how come they haven't learned it yet? :p

[mikmik]

wenwilder did this: :p , right after she said this:
If only men are supposed to know it, then how come they haven't learned it yet? :p

Whew, eh?

Looks like they girls didn't get their hands on the whole manual, just the FAQs section LOL
Since when does knowing something mean we do it? Doh!

Damn, did I just give another one up?


------------
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." And with that, she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you.

"One, you have not studied your lesson.

"Two, you have a dirty mind.

"And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[wclew]

"One, you have not studied your lesson.

"Two, you have a dirty mind.

"And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

LMAO!!

[Tubby]

I never understood women, although I was married for 15 years.

What simple things a single man can do;

(1) keep his fishing bait in the fridge,

If I recall correctly, choosing the red high heel; shoes, means - your looking frumpy,
Choosing the flat red shoes, means - you drink too much.
choosing any other color but red (she was wearing red), means - I do not want to go out with you tonight.

[labrynth_of_fire]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

-snip-

o_O Thats so true....

[designhead]

I'm sorry to put a damper on things--I know its all in fun. BUT, I personally, hate reinforcing that old thing about a woman saying no really means yes. There are a lot of guys who really believe that, and it is often the reason behind "date rape". I just think that is too serious to joke about. So, I'd like to change #2.
No = No

[voodooboy]

I'm sorry to put a damper on things--I know its all in fun. BUT, I personally, hate reinforcing that old thing about a woman saying no really means yes. There are a lot of guys who really believe that, and it is often the reason behind "date rape". I just think that is too serious to joke about. So, I'd like to change #2.
No = No

I have to agree here. Yes means no, no means no, maybe means I'll think about it, but most likely I'll say no...

Unless a woman jumps on you and starts un-buttoning your/her clothes pretty much everything means "NO".

Unless of course she already bought something really expensive on your account, then the sex is just a relaxer before she tells you so you won't get as mad...

[designhead]

Unless of course she already bought something really expensive on your account, then the sex is just a relaxer before she tells you so you won't get as mad...

Hmmm...sounds like a personal issue there, Scott.

[netman4ttm]

#7 is a fig newton of the gay guy's imagination, #15! No man in his right mind would ever ask a woman what is wrong.

[greeneagle]

netman4ttm,

LOL, You are so right about #15! We are already supposed to know!

Usually we really do, we just don't let on!

Sorry about that Mike, I had to let another one out of the bag.

Ken

[netman4ttm]

I have some doubts about numbers 1, 2, and 3.

Women do not answer any question with those answers.

There is no question that a woman can answer in one word.

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

[netman4ttm]

Sent to me today: knew exactly where to put it.
Women's words.

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome