sales text - need feedback

[ezniche]

Hi Everyone,
I'm new here, and not sure if this is where I would post this, but it was the closest I saw to my questions.

I'm new to writing sales copy and wanted to get some feedback on the approach I chose on my one site. Myself, I've never liked long sales letters even though I've read in many places that they are the best.

If any of you are into sales copy and would be willing to take a peek at my site and let me know what you think you can find it here:
My Sales Text

I've stared at it so long and rewrote it so many times I've lost all objectivity and really just need about 4 days of sleep. I need some fresh eyes and new opinions - any ideas?

Thanks in advance for any help you can provide,
ezniche

[alextj]

I'm afraid it didn't hit me all, in fact I wasn't even drawn in to read what I saw above the fold.
I'd say keep the highlighting and formatting to a minimun at the start and ease them in gently...and of course I hope you were asking for genuine advice on here rather than actually trying to sell...

Here's the template I use - pretty much a few years' experience distilled into a few lines, and I'm not even going to charge my usual fee! :)

The problem
The result of that problem
Reaching out and touching the customer personally

The idea or theme to introduce
The benefits (hold off on sales)
Examples, personal if possible and with proof

Idealised example and results

Introduce product with features - for each feature expand on benefits – what if??

What to do next – call to action
Follow-up and reinforce benefits


Write in natural language like a conversation, in your audience's language
No modifiers and adjectives – 3 in one half page is too much
No pitch

[lloydienames]

I only really have one thing to say about this.. and think real hard.

Long pages suck!

As most people in today's world, I don't have the time to sit there and read what you have to say.

I want to see it all on the screen at once.
The product, the price and WHY I NEED IT!

This goes for any website... I need to do it to my own I know, I don't do the programmer for the website and my programmer (my Dad) isn't easy to get hold of... so when I get the chance... ding :)

Cheers,
Amie

[Grokodile]

While I hate marketing text in general... the first thing I noticed is the top text doesn't grab me...

Would I like to? Howabout, "Create Highly Profitable Niche Web Sites". I think that is the grabber that you want.

Then, you have supporting (wow, even better) features to proclaim.

- Build a complete site in under 5 minutes.
- No need to ever pay a web designer again.
- No per site royalties.
- Simple to use.
- Full featured and powerful.

If you've got somebody who needs those things, then they may read further for proof that you actually have what you are saying you have.

New product launch? Why do I care if it is new or old? Is this a brand name product with a much anticipated new release? No. The special offer, perhaps, but not the newness. Howabout NAMING the product instead of describing the newness?

From old sales speak, always be closing. Here, give the name, instead of the newness, and let them click on special offer to buy it (not that anyone will, but hey, give them plenty of opportunites).

Also, some exciting alt text on the picture of the product would be nice.

Then, zipping into the dear friend, you've chosen the most basic and boring font on the face of the Earth. Isn't this font what you'll find in old books and other steadfast publications? This is the Internet. I don't want to get the impression I'm reading some moldy old book. I want clean and easy to read text.

After the dear friend, don't focus on the effort YOU or YOUR company took to create this for us. Focus on how great a tool you have for me and how lucky I am that I can buy it and achieve all my dreams and goals and make millions on the Internet overnight even if I am illiterate and design challenged, because you, the experts, have taken out all the need for me to actually have any capabilities or skills, allowing even me, the dunce who loves to spend money instead of learning how to do something, to actually compete with people who are actually smart. Wow, you are leveling the playing field, so that even I, a relatively stupid and late to the game newcomer, has a chance.

Thank you, thank you, where do I sign up? Remember, always be closing... where is the buy me button? Where is the alt text on the screen shot that makes me salivate? Oh oh, I'm pretty dumb, that screen shot looks REALLY big with a LOT of complex features and text. Why don't you break it down into three easy steps or something simple looking. Heck, surely I could work on the first part of the form, then the second, and then the third, and not think I'd done so much total work?

Okay, I'm getting tired. So, I scroll to the end and "there's no reason why I shouldn't"? What the heck is that? You can't sell me by telling me I don't have reasons not to buy it. You have to sell me by convincing me that buying it is absolutely something that I really need to do - but I just didn't know that before I saw your page.

Yech. I hate selling. I feel so dirty.