Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He does earth-downs.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper. The problem... it wouldn't take sh*t from anybody.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck has more money than you do.

Chuck Norris can light a fire. Under water.

Chuck Norris vacationed in the Virgin Islands. It's now just the Islands.

When God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said "Say please"

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris never sleeps, he waits.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding

Chuck Norris had sex with a guy, not because he was gay, but because he ran out of women

Chuck Norris went up to Heaven and tapped God on the shoulder and said, "You are in my seat."

The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is a great actor. But he is humble and hides that fact by doing late night documentaries on fitness equipment.
Chuck Norris is to busy looking in the mirror to kill me.
Chuck Norris has a big pimple on his ass.
This is fun, right Chuck? CHUCK! I didn't see you standing th....

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, its a shame he never cries.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

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Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares at them until they give him the information he wants.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Outer space exists because it is scared to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

In poker, no hand can beat a Royal Flush. Except a Chuck Norris Fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting; hunting assumes the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris is the only person to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

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Guns don't kill people. People kill people ...and Chuck Norris kills those people.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin' about.

Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. The grim reaper is still working up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Superman Wears Chuck Norris Pyjamas

The Boogeyman checks HIS closet and under HIS bed for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck noris can spell the word "team" with an "i" in it.

When his daughter lost her virginity, Chuck Norris got it back.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he LISTENS to a song.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

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Breakfast cooks itself for Chuck Norris.
It then cleans up the dishes.

Chuck Norris kicks Sissyphus's rock back down every time.

Chuck Norris can have any woman he wants.

Chuck Norris can have any man he wants. So far I don't think there is one. Luckily.

Chuck Norris can have any gerbill he wants.

Chuck Norris tells the sun to rise, and the sun says, "How high?"

Chuck Norris says Mike Huckabee is the next president of the United States
YouTube - Mike Huckabee Ad: "Chuck Norris Approved"

Chuck Norris told Mr T, "I will rip your ass off with my dick."

The admins told(will tell) mikmik, "What you say is true, but this is not appropriate stuff."

I Changed my name to 'Check Norris" and he told me to correct my spelling and i did.

Chuck Norris said, "Hmmm, your shoelace is untied" and it was.

Chuck Norris told Captain Kirk that his shoelace was untied.

And It was.

Chuck Norris told Q that his mom was cute.

And it was.

Chuck Norris told the Blade that his shoelace was untied, got kicked through 4 8ft thick depleted uranium walls, disemboweled in slow motion, not dise boweled but dis emboweled, and said, "Thanks for the wakeup call."

We were on a roll .

FYI - Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

There is no such thing as Race or Ethnicity. Just people Chuck Norris has beaten into different shades of color.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Chuck Norris has a staring contest with a mirror...He wins.

Chuck Norris does not sleep...he waits.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.