Da Joke Thread...

[Ne0]

I love good jokes... and I'm sure with this many people there's a ton that I haven't heard yet... so get to post'n!


---------
I had a car accident today. I tell you, it was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car and he's a friggin DWARF, stood 4-foot-nothing!
He looked up at me and says "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you, then?"

[incrediblehelp]

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and you're pretty much a free spirit.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

[incrediblehelp]

I, the *****, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear *****, after assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take the initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management

Plus, 5 reasons not to be a *****:
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4 The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

[dharrison]

David thanks for heeding my post earlier, but I really don't think I can top you and Jaan is the joke stakes.



I was reminiscing a good joke that I hadn't heard for ages recently.

2 Fish in a tank. one said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

or:

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets was caught in the crossfire of a bank robbery and as a result, got shot 3 times in the stomach. She was rushed to hospital in the ambulance and the babies were delivered safe and well - 2 girls and a boy but there was no sign of any of the bullets.

So at the age of 5, one of the little girls came running up to her Mummy in floods of tears "Mummy, Mummy!" She sobbed "I just went to the toilet and when I finished there was a metal thing in the water" "Don't worry darling" said her Mummy and told her daughter what had happened to her.

5 years passed and this time, the other daughter came up to her Mum and shouted "Mum, I just went to the toilet and when I looked down there was a bullet in the water" Again the Mother reassured her daughter and told her what had happened.

So 5 years later she gets in from work and hears a loud noise from her son's bedroom. She rushes up and is greeted with the sight of her son sitting on his bed looking quite shocked and a bit pale. His trousers are round his ankles.

The Mother tried to be reassuring "Are you OK darling? Did you find a bullet in the toilet as well?"

"Not exactly Mum" said the boy. "I just had a w--k and shot the cat".

[crankydave]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it" he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card, he turned white, and
fainted.




On the card was written...

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."



Dave

[Ne0]

I love it! Keep 'em coming!!!

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Ne0]

The Knob :

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce
the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems."All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've
had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[ctabuk]

Did you know that Superman was a virgin??

Well one day he was chatting to Spiderman and asked 'Hey, spidey, I ain't been laid, who do I need to see here in heroland?
'Wonderwomen' we've all had her.

'Hi Hulk, is Wonderwoman as good as they say?'
'You mean you ain't been there yet!! Wow - you are missing out.

That was good enough for Superman - so he flew off in search of WonderWomen.

He found her lying naked in a field rolling about.

'Jeepers, she's so horny she's doing it on her own !! If I use my cryptonite powers I can go in a hyperspeed - lose my virginity and she'll never know it was my first time'
Down he flew.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Wonder Woman "What was that??"


"I don't know, but my arse hurts"
said the Invisible Man

[crankydave]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Never Argue with a Woman

Dave

[ctabuk]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Dubbya]

Oly comes home from work one day to see Lena sitting on the edge of their bed, naked.

Oly says, "Lena, vutssamatter? Vy for are yuh sittin dare naked?"

She replies, "Vell I don't haff no good clothes to vare, Oly."

"Ooff-dah, Lena! Vy, fer sure yuh do."

Look oaffer in dis here closet! Look, heres dah blue dress, dares yur yellow dress, an dare's Sven, an dare's dah flowered dress..."

[Ne0]

In
1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got
down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece
of wood deeply embedded in it.



As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.



The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curiou s look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments.



Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually
the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot
that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down.



The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while
staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was
the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing
and made his way into the enclosure.



He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.



The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant. betcha didn't see that coming

[crankydave]

ROFL! Ne0... Perhaps it was Ziggy.

Dave

[ctabuk]

That's a Tommy Cooper joke - 1967!!!

[Ne0]

Aight... here's my fav (because my last name is Brown too)

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The
white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings
him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak
voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude
says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to
the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds,
I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right
testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says,
"Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

And my attorney sent me this one yesterday

I was walking in the park the other day and saw this whino sittin on a bench eating a bowl of grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

LOL YaY! more jokes please....

db

[Ne0]

aight here's another one your daily dose


A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

[pagetta]

i ate 5 yoghurts at lunch time - I'm absolutely mullered....

***

a rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a pint of lager and a carrot.
"sorry mate, we don't serve food" says the barman. the rabbit shrugs, drinks his pint and hops off home.
Next day rabbit comes in and asks for a pint of lager and a carrott.
"i told you yesterday, we don't serve food in here" says the barman
again the rabbit shrugs and drinks his pint before hopping home
The next day the rabbit walks in "have you got a pint of lager and a carrot please mate?" he says. The bar man looks up angrily and once agian says "no mate, we DONT SERVE FOOD" by this point getting annoyed.
Every day for a week the rabbit comes in asking for a pint of lager and a carrot, until the barman finally snaps
"can i have a pint of lager and a carrot?" asks the rabbit for what seems the millionth time.
"NO!" snaps the barman " and if you come in here again asking for a bloody carrot I'll nail your flamin ears to the bar!" he shouts
following day in hops the rabbit. the barman eyes him warily as he approaches the bar. the rabbit leans forward to the barman and asks " excuse me mate, have you got any nails?"
"nails?" says the barman "no sorry we haven't"
the rabbit nods.
"in that case then, can i have a pint of lager and a carrot please..."

[wenwilder]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously!

[wenwilder]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

[wenwilder]

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the Economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .. Post in Joke Threads

[Ne0]

Oy vey... this one had me damn near crying I laughed so hard... and btw wenwilder I loved those! Thanks for getting the song stuck in my head!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp each holding a sign.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support" Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

[ctabuk]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[ctabuk]

Wen wrote

'Don't use any punctuation.'

Mod correction Dont use any punctuation

[wenwilder]

ctabuk, you're such a dear! Always there to catch my errors. )

Here's one just for you:


The Importance Of Correct Punctuation

Good Version

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy—will you let me be yours?

Gloria


Bad Version

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

[wenwilder]

And here's one for the road or the end of the day or whatever sink your glass is drinking...

I had 12 jugs of hard cider in my cellar and was told by my husband to empty the contents down the sink, or else!! So I said I would.

I pulled the cork from the first jug and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the second jug and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork from the third jug and poured the cider down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the jug down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the next jug and drank all but one sink of it, throwing the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink from the next glass and poured the cork from the jug. Then I corked the sink with the glass, jugged the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the jugs, corks and glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again and finally had all houses in one jug, which I drank.

I am not under the alcofluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am, nor are I half so think as they drunk I am, but I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the frunder I stand here the longer I get.

[Dubbya]

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called his dog."T-square, do your stuff."

T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have a go at it."

Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, screwed the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for six-month sick leave.

[Dubbya]

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"*

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"*

Exasperated the copilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.*

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea" gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

[ebuddy]

lol, i like short jokes..

Q. How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A. Meat Pattie.

[Dubbya]

OSAMA WRITES TO GEORGE W.

After numerous rounds of, “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive”, Osama himself decided to send Dubya a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to colin Powell, who had no clue so they sent it to the FBI, who sent it to the CIA, then to NASA and the Secret Service.

None could help, so they turned to Canada’s RCMP who replied to the White House as follows:

Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.

[Dubbya]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim but... where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen" she asked.

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jazus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[ctabuk]

little Irish Guy was sat in a pub having quiet drink. Another guy walked in and said 'Good Evening' - 'Jasus, you're Irish as well' said the first guy and he ordered two large Jameson's - 'I am that, where are you from?'' Tipperary' ' That calls for another drink, for so am I, what part of Tipperary are you from?' - 'Benjamin Street' said the other -'I don't believe it, two more drinks barman, for so am I, what number did you live at?''27'came the reply.
'I don't believe it possible but I was born in that very house, two more drinks barman'
Eventually the two Irishmen drank more and more Jameson's and staggered out of the pub. The next
morning the Landlord said to the barman, 'Well you certainly sold alot of Jameson's last night, were you packed out?' - 'No, just the Murphy twins again'

[thehappysmoker]

A king and his court jester are the only survivors of a shipwreck, and find themselves on an uninhabited island. The king is used to having 10 virgins for breakfast, so he sends the jester to find him a female. After 40 days and 40 nights the jester returns and tells the king that there are no females on the island. Now the king is used to having 10 virgins for breakfast, so he sends the jester to find a female animal. After 40 days and 40 nights the jester returns and tells the king that there are no females of any kind on the island. The king is used to having 10 virgins for breakfast, and by now he is at his wit's end.

[dave]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had ** with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Old Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Old Man: "I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Old Man: "Are you Kidding? I'm telling everybody."

[Ne0]

LOL I love that last one Dave!

Here's one that cracked me up this morning in my inbox!

Ex-Wife's flying lessons

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

[zephyrireland]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handfull of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them




ALSO...
Create your own Letter of Resignation and Quit in Spectacular Fashion !

[Ne0]

My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothesin front of other men, and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[thehappysmoker]

Two squirrels were sitting in a tree, watching a tortoise which was trying to climb up to them. Each time it reached a couple of inches, and fell to the ground. Again and again, but always with the same result.

One of the squirrels said to the other: "I think he's reached the age that we always knew would come. It's time to tell him that he's adopted".

[thehappysmoker]

Do you live alone ?

No. With three sisters.

That can't be much fun.

I wouldn't say that. They're not MY sisters.

[gojidog]

Originally Posted by Ne0

My Daddy the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothesin front of other men, and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Hahaha, that's a good one! Poor boy!

[thehappysmoker]

Three women die in a car crash, and find themselves being greeted by the gatekeeper.
"How you spend eternity depends on how much care you take keeping the one single rule, which is DON'T TREAD ON A DUCK !"
They think it's a pretty weird rule, but when they get inside they see that there are so many ducks, it's difficult to avoid them.
The first woman treads on one, and the gatekeeper chains her to an extremely ugly, bad-tempered man, and tells her that they will be together forever.
The second woman lasts a further 30 minutes, before she too treads on one, and is manacled to an even uglier, and worse tempered man.
Because of this, the third woman is very careful where she steps, and manages to last 3 weeks, without incident. The gatekeeper chains her to a very pleasant, good-looking, muscular man.
"I wonder what I did to deserve you ?" she asks.
He replies:"I don't know about you, but I trod on a duck ".

[Dubbya]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.

To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,

"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[thehappysmoker]

On their 10th wedding anniversary, Charles arrived home with two fine horses. A fiery, spirited one for himself, and a gentler, more docile one for Daisy, his wife.
"The only problem will be telling them apart" he said.
"No problem" replied Daisy, and chalked a large "C" on his one, and a large "D" on hers.
"But that'll wash off when it rains" protested Charles.
"No problem" replied Daisy, and tied a red ribbon on the tail of her horse, and a blue one on his.
"But they will fall off when they brush up against something" protested Charles.
"Well" said Daisy "We'll just have to try to remember which is which. It shouldn't be too difficult, your black one is quite a lot taller than my white one".

[mikmik]

After 40 days and 40 nights the jester returns and tells the king that there are no females of any kind on the island. The king is used to having 10 virgins for breakfast, and by now he is at his wit's end.

Man, it took me a while to get that one!

- - -

Okay, I was at the doctor's office the other day and was put into an examination room, finally. After a few minutes, I heard a conversation so I put my ear to the wall. a woman said, "doctor, kiss me." The doctor replied, "No, I could get in trouble for that, please don't mention it again."
Then after a few minutes, I heard the woman say again, "Doctor, would you please kiss me?" and he replied, somewhat annoyed, "I told you I cannot, and I could get into legal trouble and as far as i am concerned, it goes completely against my ethics. NO!"
Then again, another few minutes later, she almost begged this time, "Doctor, please, will you please, please, kiss me?! PLEASE!"

He got angry and told her in no uncertain terms, "Look, I've told you no, I won't and not only is it illegal and unethical, I could lose my licence and never be able to practice medicine again! You hear me? As a matter af fact," he ranted, "I probably shoudn't even be screwing you!"

[thehappysmoker]

Originally Posted by mikmik

Man, it took me a while to get that one!

You're right. That's what he said.

[mikmik]

I was a wee bit confused about the '10' numbers signifigance, so I read the 'ending' scene to your opera. before I quote, lets me get it straight, 40 + 40, correct?

The King ( looking for new actor, no more good tenors around) sings thusly:

I'll make you - once,
- twice,
- 800 times a lady, lalala,
but your not pure....

so you'll endure,
my love for you!!! lalala.



Fin


So I hear Jouny jokes are not very popular with the ladies, or Maude, my tailor and pharmacist, which then MAKES ME tell one.

Teacher: Today class, as we have been doing so well with our example of one usage of a word in a sentence, today we will use our word twice. Yes Susy...

susy: Ah miss Suchadolski, if I understand your polish accent, we are to use the word twice?

teach: Да. Слово сегодня "красивейше" (Yes. The word today is "beautiful").

susy: You speek beautiful Russian, Ms Suchadolski, and you are wearing a beatiful outfit as well!

teach: Я увижу вас после типа для для нашей встречи, very well после того как я сделан, Сузе-mladeneq! Да, Jouhny? ( HUH? )

jOHHNY: We were at the supper table last night and my 13 year old sister says, "guess what dad I'm, pregnant" and my dad slams his fist on the table and says "Beautiful, just f****ng beautiful"




Fin

[ebuddy]

Lol thats great. Don't have any good jokes myself

[mikmik]

Heres one you can have for future reference!

This guy gets a new job and the first monday after working there a week, he calls in and says he is to sick to work "today". The boss says "alright, but don't make this a habit."

The guy works the rest of the week and impresses the management. But come the next Monday, he phones in again and says he won't be making to work that day. He did so good on the four days he worked last week, the bosses are peeved, but decide to give him one more chance. He shows up, early every day, Tues through Fri and does excellent again.

You know. Another Monday, another day off. So on Tuesday, when he gets to work, the big boss calls him into the office and says "You are a great asset to this company, Joe, but we are fed up with you missing every Monday. What's going on?"

Joe says, "Well, on may way to work every Monday, I stop by my sister's to see if she is alright. She just got divorced, see, and is hurt and lonely.
"Well I console her and one thing leads to another, and we end up spending all day in bed making out."

"What the hell is wrong with you, Joe?" yells his boss. "That is disgusting! You expect us to put up with that?"

"Well", says Joe, "I told you I was sick."

[ctabuk]

Old Joke

England swinging sixties

Guy in an E Type jag sees a gorgeus blonde hitching a lift, he stops and picks her up.

Well, when he said 'put your seat belt on' she coyly replied 'No - if I wear that I can't do this'

So the guy is driving faster and faster and getting a great feeling - this horse and cart suddenly pulled out in front and the guy stands on the brakes. The blonde is cataputed out of the girl and flies over the horse and cart. The guy is sat sobbing in his seat - he was weraring his seat belt.

The guy with the horse and cart walks up and say's 'Sorry about that mate, the blonde is dead, a right mess - are you crying because she was your wife'?

'No - look in her mouth'

[mikmik]

Ouch! LMAO!!

[mikmik]

I was driving and this gorgeous woman was hitch hiking so I stoped and let her in. I could smell the booze on her breathe immediately, and I thought 'This is my lucky day!'

I asked her where she was going and she said "To the liquor shtore a ways up" so I had to move fast.

I commented on her legs and short skirt, and she smiled. I finally put my hand on her knee, and she whispered, "You're passionate", I thought. I moved my hand up her thigh and she got insistent and moaned, "You're passionate, oh, you're passionate!"

I said thanks, you're pretty passionate yourself and she said, "No, the liquor shtore, you're passionate!"