Da Joke Thread...

[Ne0]

I love good jokes... and I'm sure with this many people there's a ton that I haven't heard yet... so get to post'n!


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I had a car accident today. I tell you, it was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car and he's a friggin DWARF, stood 4-foot-nothing!
He looked up at me and says "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you, then?"

[incrediblehelp]

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and you're pretty much a free spirit.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

[incrediblehelp]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis, after assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take the initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management

Plus, 5 reasons not to be a penis:
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4 The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

[dharrison]

David thanks for heeding my post earlier, but I really don't think I can top you and Jaan is the joke stakes.



I was reminiscing a good joke that I hadn't heard for ages recently.

2 Fish in a tank. one said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

or:

A woman, heavily pregnant with triplets was caught in the crossfire of a bank robbery and as a result, got shot 3 times in the stomach. She was rushed to hospital in the ambulance and the babies were delivered safe and well - 2 girls and a boy but there was no sign of any of the bullets.

So at the age of 5, one of the little girls came running up to her Mummy in floods of tears "Mummy, Mummy!" She sobbed "I just went to the toilet and when I finished there was a metal thing in the water" "Don't worry darling" said her Mummy and told her daughter what had happened to her.

5 years passed and this time, the other daughter came up to her Mum and shouted "Mum, I just went to the toilet and when I looked down there was a bullet in the water" Again the Mother reassured her daughter and told her what had happened.

So 5 years later she gets in from work and hears a loud noise from her son's bedroom. She rushes up and is greeted with the sight of her son sitting on his bed looking quite shocked and a bit pale. His trousers are round his ankles.

The Mother tried to be reassuring "Are you OK darling? Did you find a bullet in the toilet as well?"

"Not exactly Mum" said the boy. "I just had a w--k and shot the cat".

[crankydave]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it" he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card, he turned white, and
fainted.




On the card was written...

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."



Dave

[Ne0]

I love it! Keep 'em coming!!!

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Ne0]

The Knob :

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce
the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems."All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've
had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[ctabuk]

Did you know that Superman was a virgin??

Well one day he was chatting to Spiderman and asked 'Hey, spidey, I ain't been laid, who do I need to see here in heroland?
'Wonderwomen' we've all had her.

'Hi Hulk, is Wonderwoman as good as they say?'
'You mean you ain't been there yet!! Wow - you are missing out.

That was good enough for Superman - so he flew off in search of WonderWomen.

He found her lying naked in a field rolling about.

'Jeepers, she's so horny she's doing it on her own !! If I use my cryptonite powers I can go in a hyperspeed - lose my virginity and she'll never know it was my first time'
Down he flew.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Wonder Woman "What was that??"


"I don't know, but my arse hurts"
said the Invisible Man

[crankydave]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Never Argue with a Woman

Dave

[ctabuk]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Dubbya]

Oly comes home from work one day to see Lena sitting on the edge of their bed, naked.

Oly says, "Lena, vutssamatter? Vy for are yuh sittin dare naked?"

She replies, "Vell I don't haff no good clothes to vare, Oly."

"Ooff-dah, Lena! Vy, fer sure yuh do."

Look oaffer in dis here closet! Look, heres dah blue dress, dares yur yellow dress, an dare's Sven, an dare's dah flowered dress..."

[Ne0]

In
1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got
down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece
of wood deeply embedded in it.



As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.



The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curiou s look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments.



Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually
the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot
that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down.



The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while
staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was
the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing
and made his way into the enclosure.



He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.



The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant. betcha didn't see that coming

[crankydave]

ROFL! Ne0... Perhaps it was Ziggy.

Dave

[ctabuk]

That's a Tommy Cooper joke - 1967!!!

[Ne0]

Aight... here's my fav (because my last name is Brown too)

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The
white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings
him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak
voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude
says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to
the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds,
I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right
testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says,
"Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

And my attorney sent me this one yesterday

I was walking in the park the other day and saw this whino sittin on a bench eating a bowl of grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."

LOL YaY! more jokes please....

db

[Ne0]

aight here's another one your daily dose


A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.