Da Joke Thread...

[Dubbya]

Was the liquor store anywhere near Timmins, ON???

[mikmik]

Oh!!! You know her! Must have been my trip to North Bay. The leafs suck, I am a Montreal fan. They have only lost 2 of 3 to Sundin et al.

Best games, every time.
How small is Timmons? I have heard of it, it is well known, but think google maps has it? This is not right.
Hah, it might help if i spelled the famous place correctly. Timmins.

But no. this happened in Alberta. I was driving one other time, and picked up a 'hiker'. It was minus twenty here, and she looked like she had been waiting for quite a few minutes in the wind, as well.
I let her in, and she was just thankful to be warm. I was going in her direction anyway, and I was happy to drive with her.

SUDDENLY!!!!

I blew a tire. I had to open trunk, get out jack, my hands were already frozen. I went back into my car, and audaciously put my hands between her legs. She repelled at this, said, "WTF do you think you are doing?"

I said my hands were frozen and I had to get the feeling back into them so I could remove the lugnuts.

I went out again, got the lug bar and removed one of four lugnuts. Now my hands were dead. I got back in and put my hands between her legs to warm them. She immediately got hostile and said, "Hands cold again??? Aren't your ears cold yet?"

[mikmik]

Dubbya is nasty! Excellent jokes by all, I just perused the thread.

Okay, my mind is blank, so here' a johny joke.

A door to door salesman knock at a place one morning. A ten year old kid answers the door, holding a half empty quart of rye, and a cigar.
The salesman, momentarily taken aback, recovers quickly and says, "Hi, young man. Are your parents home?"

Little john replies as he flicks his cigar ash onto the carpet, "What the f*** do you think?"

[mikmik]

So, a duck goes back in time to meet his grandfather. What do you get?

A Pair o' ducks.

- - -

A man gets home one night, and just before entering his room upstairs, hears his wife making love with someone.
He goes downstairs and phones his friend for support. His friend comes right over.
When his friend gets there, the man says "I will make some coffee for us"
His friend says, "But what about the guy screwing your wife???"

The man says, "Fu*k him, he can get his own coffee!"

[flsurfkarma]

man that last one was great.... i'm still laughing

[mikmik]

I hope other peole post some jokes they like, I am almost out!
But, here goes, another oldie:

A man is going up to bed one night and hears his son praying. He stops to listen. His son says, "God, protect mommy, protect daddie, protect grandma, grandpa uh-uh." Dad shakes his head, happy his son is praying, goes to bed.
The next morning at breakfast, there is a shriek from upstairs, grandma is hysterical that grandpa is dead! It turns out to be so, and arraingments are made.
That night, on his way to bed, dad again overhears his son praying, "God bless mommy, god bless daddy, grandma uhuh".
The man shakes his head and just goes to bed.
The next morning at breakfast, grandma isn't there so they go to investigate. She is dead!!
That night, now a visibly shaken dad hears his son praying again, "God bless momma, daddy uhuh".
The man is freaking, he decides not to go to sleep. He stays up, and at 5:00 am starts trying to get a hold of his doctor. Just to be on the safe side, he leaves the house and waits outside his doctors office until it opens, and then begs to see his doctor. He gets in, and the doctor checks out the frantic dad, and reports that all is fine, his BP and heart and everything are perfectly normal. He heaves a sigh of relief and as he is leaving, he feels compelled to phone his wife and explain all is normal, and he will be home immediately.
She says to him, "Where did you go? You better get home quick, the milkman is dead on the porch!"

[Ne0]

So I got this one in an email and thought it too funny not to pass on



1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah
diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a
dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,
has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails and whines to be fed.
And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said
get your ass over here, Killer!"

Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a
***.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his bathroom; he defecates and urinates wherever he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man
will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf
Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than cotton, wool or denim, you are
faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time
he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold
his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list
because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely
on the verge on being a fudgepacker.

[Dubbya]

DISCLAIMER: Not that there's anything WRONG with that.

[thehappysmoker]

When I can't sleep I count sheep. I count to three and fall asleep. Sometimes I have to count to three thirty, but I usually fall asleep eventually.

[Dubbya]

LOL.. that's good.

[dharrison]

My son's party trick:

What does Dr Who eat with his pizza?

Dalek bread!!

it sounds cuter when he tells it

[jabo]

Originally Posted by thehappysmoker

When I can't sleep I count sheep. I count to three and fall asleep. Sometimes I have to count to three thirty, but I usually fall asleep eventually.

lol... do those actually work? been having some really bad time with this insomnia thing.

[billyswordman]

Q : How do trees get on the internet?
A : They log in

Q : What is tornado favorite game?
A : Twister

Q : How do you cut the sea in a half?
A : With a sea saw

[sarahking]

Originally Posted by incrediblehelp

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and you're pretty much a free spirit.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

LOL, that actually sounds surprisingly good. We should all do it that way.