A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.

One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected.

The strong man asked him what he was going to do.

The husband answered, "I don't know! This is a disaster! Where am I going to find another woman of her caliber?"

----------

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully.

The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, in which the critical ingredient turned out to be one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

__________________
Psychology Mental Health & Self-Help Forum
Online Counseling & Therapy | Mental Health Directory

Nutty Names

"Wooden Trinkets From Overseas", by Sue Veneer.

"Archery", by Beau-Anne Darrow.

"Advanced Dentistry", by Dr. Perry O'Donnell

"Learn To Do It Yourself" by Tyrone Shoelaces.


--------------------------------------


After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.

It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.

But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.

The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."


-------------------------------


William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.

Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their acheivements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn's aunts.

__________________
Forum Rules
"Cat washing IS a martial art."
"Remember Today IS Yesterdays Tomorrow"

Once upon a time there lived a pretty princess with long tresses of finest gold. Entrapped in a fortified towering tower by her dastardly witch of a fairy godmother, Rapunzel could only drool at all the hot manly princes as they tried to woo her to no avail. Many princes learned they could climb the tower by getting her to let down her hair (Talk about a hair lowering ordeal). Alas this soon became too much for her hair and eventually gave out on her. Soon she stopped having bad hair days.

An interview with the last prince tells us what happened.

Interviewer:
So what happened that day?

The hospital patient formerly known as Prince:
I got up to the towering tower to meet her. But then the most unfortunate thing happened.

Interviewer:
Do tell.

The hospital patient formerly known as Prince:
I shouted, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let down your golden hair!" And she did, so I clibed half way and suddenly I found myself falling. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital.

Interviewer:
Wow. That's awful. Did you ever find out what exactly happened?

The hospital patient formerly known as Prince:
Well it seems that the hair I was climbing was actualy a wig and it gave way.

Moral of the story 1: What kind of a man are you if you pull a pretty girl's hair?

Moral of the story 2: Cheap adhesives are no excuse for bad hair days.

Moral of the story 3: You kidding me? Is there a moral to these kind of stories?

__________________
http://ejrs.com/spybot | http://ejrs.com/irfanview | http://splashingtime.com

That's not a pun, ejrsdotcom - this is:

Sometime back during prohibition, Bing Crosby and Bob Hope developed a powerful thirst for some moonshine.

Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in the Carolina Hills - he's just finished setting up a little operation. Perhaps he'd let us try out some of his first batch of hooch."

The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing's brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle of whiskey.

"Here, try this and tell me if you think it's aged enough," said the novice moonshiner.

Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly delivered his verdict:

"Crosby's still's mash is young."

__________________
Psychology Mental Health & Self-Help Forum
Online Counseling & Therapy | Mental Health Directory

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."


-------------------------


There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.
One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream. Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.
Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter. He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.
Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.

__________________
Forum Rules
"Cat washing IS a martial art."
"Remember Today IS Yesterdays Tomorrow"

Two young men came upon a great trout brook. They stayed all day enjoying the fishing. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed they would return in twenty years.

Sure enough, twenty years later, they walked into
the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, 'This is it! This is the place!'

The other disagreed, but the first man said, 'Yes, I recognize the clover growing on the other side.'

The second man replied, 'That's ridiculous! Everyone knows you can't tell a brook by its clover!'

__________________
Psychology Mental Health & Self-Help Forum
Online Counseling & Therapy | Mental Health Directory

Those were great :)

__________________
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
|- >(^_^)> | (t^^t) | <(^_^)< -|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In the non-PC days of King Arthur's brethren of the round table, they kept a dwarf as a mascot. He didn't mind too much. He had no chores; they kept him fed and clothed; they even made him a suit of armour and gave him a dog to ride, because a real horse would have been too big for him.

Then came the night of the storm. All the knights were out rescuing damsels, but the medieval 'phone rang one last time. Another damsel in distress. King Arthur turned to the dwarf and said "There's nothing for it. You'll have to go".

The dwarf looked out of the medieval double-glazing at the dirty weather and said "You must be joking. You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this !"

Sorry about that........

It relates to the first post - or the professional?

A man consults a Psychiatrist for some problem. To find the root of the patient's problem, the Doctor draws a picture of a cow and asks the patient what he felt about this. His reply was "Sex"

Again the doctor draws a picture of a tree - the patient responds "sex".

This way many pictures were drawn and for each of it the patient replied, his thought on each one was "SEX".

The Psychiatrist responded, saying 'Man, you have a very bad thought, your mind is dirty & corrupt"

The patient retorted:
What, you only wrote all the dirty sexy pictures!

Namasthe Everyone,
Wait for another week,
TRS Iyengar
www.trsiyengar.com
From the land of Wonders, Heritage & Himalaya.

__________________
TRS Iyengar
Namasthe Everyone! Srivaishnavam Practices / Hinduism

The words of home...... :)

Aholt: get in touch with; as in "I'll get aholt of him"
Bob Warr Fants: something to keep cattle in the pasture
Born: a building on a rayanch
Brayud: something you make a sangweech with
Camer: a thang you take pitchers with
Hay Und: something that holds your five fingers
Hayud: where you keep your brains
Hayut: something you wear on your hayud
Lektrit Fayun: something you plug in to make breezes blow
Libary: a place whurr you check out books
Mals: measure of distance
Maon: like "Ah don't need a ride, ah has maon cawur"
Meer: a looking glass
Merkan Cissen: one born in the USA
Pan: a place where one serves a life sentence
Pay Un: a thang used to cook in
Punchard Tar: something that goes flat when you don't have a spare
Ranch: something to take a nut off a bolt with
Rat Cheer: in this very place
Rat Naow: immediately if not sooner
Rat Tare: a little south of Rat Cheer
Rayanch: an piece of property over fifty thousand acres
Rinch: when you soak your clothes in clear water
Sangweech: something made with two pieces of brayud
Tal: a thang you dries dishes with after they have been rinched
Tant: a thang that holds a circus
Tarred: plum tuckered out
Warr Plars: something you cut a fants with
Whan: like "Whan yuh comin tuh see me?"
Whurr: like "whurr's muh hayut?"
Woosh: like "Ah woosh you would be muh sweethort, Mary Lou"

__________________
Forum Rules
"Cat washing IS a martial art."
"Remember Today IS Yesterdays Tomorrow"

Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight.

Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of.

When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."

A dejected man walks into a leading Psychiatrist and confides - Doctor, I am very much disturbed, lif is not very happy one for me and I feel the need to go.

The Psychiatrist agrees and continues, yes, I sympathise, but we all have our problems. Well, I can cure you in a year or so, but the treatment would cost around 100 dollars a month.

After a moments eerie silence, the patient breaks, "Well, that solves your problem, now what about mine"?

TRS Iyengar
www.trsiyengar.com
From the land of 'Nature's choicest mix' of Hell and Heaven - at one place!

__________________
TRS Iyengar
Namasthe Everyone! Srivaishnavam Practices / Hinduism