Funny Story

ctabuk · #1 (**permalink**) 01-28-2006, 07:11 AM

This might get pulled, but it's worth it!
It's old stuff

Many years ago London Zoo had the famous Guy the Gorilla and one day this little timid guy was walking past his cage and he bashfully waved at Guy, and Guy waved back. So he did a little jump and guess what? So did Guy. So he ran up and down doing monkey impressions, and by now a crowd had gathered to watch as Guy duly obliged and copied the little guy. The little guy looked up at Guy and said 'Gee this has been fun' and winked at Guy.
Guy went ballistic, he wrenched open the bars of his cage and dragged the little guy in and beat the living daylights out of him. The keepers had to rifle dart Guy to get him to stop.
About a week later the Head warden visited the little guy in hospital and asked what had happened. He was just able to talk after a week of treatment.
When the warden heard the full story he said 'Oh No, you befriended him, and then paid him the worst insult in Gorilla language, you winked at him, Gorillas only wink on rare occassions and it means (and I've cleaned this up, I can tell you!) F off you useless peice of ***** (trying pulling that).

So the little guy spent another six months in hospital - well I told you he had the crap knocked out of him, concentrate on the joke!
Now, he goes back to London Zoo and walks up to Guy the Gorilla and places a big bag on the floor. He opened it and took out a trench coat. Guy looked bemused as he did not have one, so the little guy passed Guy another coat from the bag and gave it to Guy. Guy put it on. The little guy then took out a huge hunting knife from the bag and waved it in the air. Guy was taken aback as he was not allowed to play with knives - so the little guy took another one from the bag and passed it to Guy, who waved it about. The little guy then took something out of his bag and turned his back on Guy, he then swiveled around and showed Guy a huge Savoy Sausage which was protruding from you know where! He took the knife and chopped the sausage in half.
Guy looked bemused once more and gave him a nice big wink.

kgun · #2 (**permalink**) 01-28-2006, 12:55 PM

David, din't you hear about the cowboy, that was passing a farm. The farmer asked the comboy, do you wan't to work for me?

OK, replied the cowboy, on one condition, not too much talking. You are employed, replied the farmer.

One year passed, then another, and they did not say a word to each other. Then one day, the farmer said, the horse is ill.

Then a new year or two passed. One early morning the farmer said. The horse is dead. Then the cowboy replied. I quit. Why? asked the farmer. Too much talking about your horse.

ctabuk · #3 (**permalink**) 01-28-2006, 01:07 PM

LOL, see who gets this - A Horse walks into a bar and say's 'A scotch Please' and the barman said, 'Which brand sir, Teachers, Johnny Walker, Haig or we have one named after you' and the horse said 'What Dobbin?'

I like Animal jokes, keep em coming

bodgekaloopie · #4 (**permalink**) 01-28-2006, 03:48 PM

A horse walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

kgun · #5 (**permalink**) 01-28-2006, 03:58 PM

Norwegian poet:

One day the horses in heaven had eaten. One of them lifted on the tail, and so the earth was created.

This is gurkin build by Swiss Re the new landmark of London.

Do you know how the copper wire was invented?

Chris · #6 (**permalink**) 01-28-2006, 06:32 PM

my favorite bad bar joke:

a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

:)

best joke ever.

JKomp · #7 (**permalink**) 01-28-2006, 06:58 PM

A man walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'

That's my all time fav.

As for animal jokes,

How about:

Once upon a time somewhere in the north pole, there was a young polarbear cub. He went into his iglu and asked “Mummy am I a black bear or brown bear?”
His mum replied, “No you're neither of those you are a polar bear.”
A bit later the young polar bear goes back in and asks ”Mummy am I a mountain bear or a grizzly bear”
“I’ve already told you, you are a polar bear, now go and play." She replies sharply.
A little while later the polar bear cub comes back and says ”Mummy are you absolutely certain that i’m not a koala bear or maybe a panda bear?”
“NO!" His mother shouts. "You are 100% a polar bear, why on earth do you keep asking me?”
“Cos i’m f**king freezing!!!!!”

bodgekaloopie · #8 (**permalink**) 01-28-2006, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris

a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

I can't wait to tell this one to the person who told me the "long face" joke!

Here's another:
A grizzly bear walks into a bar. Waits 5 minutes, then orders a drink. The bartender asks, "Why the big paws?"

ctabuk · #9 (**permalink**) 01-29-2006, 09:40 AM

Boo, Two cows chatting, one says 'Here this Mad Cows decease looks serious, I'm getting worried' and the other one says 'Forget it, it does not affect Ducks'

MrLeN · #10 (**permalink**) 01-29-2006, 11:29 AM

Ah ducks. That reminds me..

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asked the guy behind the counter if he sells beer.

The guy behind the counter informs the duck that they don't sell beer, but there's a pub down the street, and gives the duck directions.

The next day, the duck comes back and asks the guy in the pharmacy if he sells beer, again.

The pharmacy guy tells the duck that he doesn't sell beer, and also that if he comes in asking about beer again he's going to nail the ducks foot to the floor.

The next day, the duck comes back to the pharmacy and asks if the guy has any nails.

The guy behind the counter says no.

So the duck asks: "Do you have any beer?"

MrLeN

ctabuk · #11 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 05:39 AM

This sweet adorable little girl, think Marcie aged 4 - goes into a pet shop and say's 'I want a wabbit' And the kindly shopkeeper kneels down to the little girl and say's 'Would you like a white wabbit or a brown wabbit?' And the little girl say's 'I don't think my Python will give a s***'

MuNKyonline · #12 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 08:24 AM

LOL, thats a great one David. Check out this :

THE NUN AND THE CABBIE

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My! dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!!

ctabuk · #13 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 08:55 AM

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!
I'll have to work on a better one!

Right back through the edit

This guy takes his ape into the local cinema, talk about embarrasing, every time a joke occurred he'd hoot his head off with laughter, and when it got sad he cried his head off. At the end of the film and the lights went on people were amazed to see this guy with an ape, 'Was it him, making all that noise?' asked one viewer to which the guy replied 'Yes, sorry about that, I thought he'd keep quiet, he did'nt like the book'

MuNKyonline · #14 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 09:13 AM

Wasnt sure if this should go in the ethics thread or in here =P

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,

"Thou shall not kill."

N30 · #15 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 09:15 AM

One of my absolute faves... (Blonde Joke alert)

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair so she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

MuNKyonline · #16 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 09:16 AM

And another:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

ROFL =)

MuNKyonline · #17 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 09:18 AM

And i'll add a crap one too lol :

A load of cannibals captured and ate a tourist. He made them all sick, but the saying goes: you can't keep a good man down.

*cringe*

ctabuk · #18 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 09:55 AM

I love the blonde joke, it is an all time classic, just like the one about the two guys walking through a field when the see this massive hole 'Cor, that looks deep, chuck that stone down it and see how deep it is' The wait for half an hour and no sound 'Try something bigger, lets move that old lump of concrete over there, and try that' So they heaved this great lump of concrete and chucked it down the hole, after about 5 minutes One guy say's 'Jeeze, that's deep, watch out Hank there's a goat charging you!!!' Hank jumps out of the way and the goat goes straight down the hole'They saw a farmer in another field and asked him if he owned a 'mad goat' that tried to kill Hank' 'No, my goat is 26 years old, and arthritic, he can't run these days, I keep him tethered up on a long chain fixed to a big lump of concrete'

MuNKyonline · #19 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 10:01 AM

LOL, poor goat!!

dharrison · #20 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 10:53 AM

Ok I have one:

A teacher addresses her class one morning. "OK children" she said, "Today we are going to play a guessing game. I have an object in my hand and I will describe it to you" She turned away from the class. "What I am holding in my hand is orange and round."

Little Billy's hand shot up "Its an orange, Miss".

"No" said the teacher "But it shows you were thinking. Its a peach".

The teacher turned away from the class again "OK, the object in my hand now is red and round and shiny".

Billy's hand shot up again "an apple, Miss".

"No" said the teacher, "But it shows you were thinking. Its a cherry."

"Can I have a go, Miss" asked Billy.
"Certainly" said the Teacher.

Billy turned away from the class and said "The thing I am holding in my hand is small with a red tip".

"Billy!" exclaimed the teacher.

"No" said Billy. "But it shows you were thinking "Its a match".

My favourite one involves 2 Disney characters but I might get into bother posting it, so PM me or something ;)

JKomp · #21 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 12:57 PM

I have a couple more:

A teacher says to the class that they have to describe their books without using baby language. The first kid comes up and says, 'My book is about a choo choo.'
The teacher says, 'No you mean a train, your book is about a train.'
The next kid comes up and says, 'My book is about a brum brum'.
'No', the teacher says, 'You mean your book is about a car. Jonny, why don't you have a go.'
'Without using baby language', little Jonny asks.
'Yes Jonny, no baby language.'
'Okay, well my book is about Winnie the Sh*t.'

Next joke:

Man walks into a pet shops and asks, 'Can I get a parrot for my daughter'.
To which the owner replies, 'Sorry we don't do swaps!'

hehe the oldies are the goodies.

dharrison · #22 (**permalink**) 01-30-2006, 01:12 PM

Minnie and Mickey Mouse are at the Divorce Court, and the judge was contesting Mickey divorcing Minnie on the grounds that she was stupid.

"I never said that" said Mickey, "I said she was f*****g Goofy!"

Sorry, i couldn't resist it.

MuNKyonline · #23 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 05:02 AM

ROFL! That one is great Debbie, i'm going to send that one to my work mates lol.

Chris · #24 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 09:53 AM

speaking of disney, did you here why they fired cinderella? she was found sitting on pinocchio telling him to lie to her...

*rimshot*

thanks, i'll be here all week. try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitresses.

dharrison · #25 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 12:32 PM

I liked that one, heh heh.

ctabuk · #26 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 12:38 PM

Chris tells no fibs - This - oh I should not be doing this - I could get in trouble - but this is Admins favorite movie, they all watch it everyday.

dharrison · #27 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 12:41 PM

Oo thats horrible. I thought Pinnochio sucked anyway, but now hes a psycho??

Only messing.

**crankydave** · #28 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 01:37 PM

Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a p*cker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb-a$$' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Dave

JKomp · #29 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dharrison

I thought Pinnochio sucked

Not according to cinderella ;)

kgun · #30 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 06:42 PM

A smart blonde.

A blonde went into a bank in London and asked for a small loan by using her Rolls as morgage. Ok, replied the bankier and drove the Rolls into the garage. Three weeks later the blonde returned, paid back the loan and should walk to the garage to get her Rolls.

In the mean time, the bankier had rated the bonde's creditwothiness and found that she was good for millions of pounds. Why did you ask for such a small loan aksed the bankier.

It is so expensive to park the car in London she replied and left.

Kgun wrote:
Do you know how the copper wire was invented?

Nobody has answered so long.

**crankydave** · #31 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kgun

Do you know how the copper wire was invented?

Nobody has answered so long.

Legend has it that two Dutchmen found a cent lying on the street in Amsterdam. Of course a fight insued and the longer it lasted the thinner the copper wire became. :)

Dave

kgun · #32 (**permalink**) 01-31-2006, 08:14 PM

Crankydave.

No, two men from Scotland :-)

Then, why does the golf lane has 18 wholes ?

ctabuk · #33 (**permalink**) 02-01-2006, 05:54 AM

Talking of golf, Four Millionaires - including Hoptoo were out on the golf course having a great time, and one said -'hey what are the odds of our wives letting us play golf on Christmas Day Morning?'
'No chance at all'came the replies -OK Hoptoo said 'I bet you we can all do it, but whoever spends the least wins the bet'
They all agreed and put $2000 in a secure box in the club house. On Christmas morning all four turned up at the golf club, and the first one said $45,000 for a diamond ring, the second $67,000 for a Rolex, the third said $130,000 for a new Bentley and Hoptoo said - I win, it cost me nothing, all I did was say 'Happy Christmas Honey, a great morning for sex or golf' and she said 'You'll need a sweater'

MuNKyonline · #34 (**permalink**) 02-01-2006, 07:07 AM

LOL! That one's excellent David. I'm going to send that to my boss lol!

kgun · #35 (**permalink**) 02-01-2006, 01:13 PM

Of course, people from the UK dominates the "humor" world.

Golf started in Scotland:
There are 18 wholes on the golf lane since there are 18 drinks in a bottle of Scotch Whisky.

Two men from Finland were taken by cannibals in the jungle and put in the boiler. After a while a cannibal should see if they were cooked. Then Pekka shouted, "Perkele" isn't it possible to take a sauna without being disturbed, either?

ctabuk · #36 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 05:48 AM

LOL Little guy walking his little dog in the wrong part of town, he sees this enormous Rotty chainded to a lamppost outside a sleazy bar, the little dog tries to make friends with the Rotwieller in order to get past. The little guy ends up in the bar, and say's in a timorous voice 'Excuse me, but who owned the big dog outside' 'What do you mean 'Owned' said this mountain of a man, all dressed in black leather and chains - a bit like what admin get up to at the weekend - I digress - The little guy say's 'Sir I'm ever so sorry but my dog has just killed yours'
The big guy say's - 'What is he, a Wolfhound or something bigger?' 'No Sir, a pekingese actually'
'So how did your little mutt kill Bruno exactly'
'He choked'

dharrison · #37 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 05:52 AM

LOL that was funny

nozzmoking · #38 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 07:23 AM

Doctor to lady patient: "Sorry madam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
The lady thinks for a moment and replies, "I think I'll have the bad news first, then the good news might cheer me up".
"OK", says the doctor, "the bad news is that we have to amputate both your legs".
"Oh my God!", says the lady, "what's the good news?"
"The woman in the next bed wants to buy your slippers", replies the doctor.

kgun · #39 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 07:48 AM

Little John was shouting. Crazy Englishmen, crazy Englishmen, crazy Englishmen.

Why are you shouting that asked an old lady? To keep the tigers away. Tigers away? I do not see a single tiger, she replied. So, you see, my crying helps!

I think it was about Elephants in New York, but since I do not remember it exactly, I made a change.

P.S. It may have been at speakers corner. I once was there. Funny place. Free speach, like this lounge.

nozzmoking · #40 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 08:16 AM

Another doctor to lady patient joke: "Sorry madam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"

The lady thinks for a moment and replies, "I think I'll have the bad news first, then the good news might cheer me up".

"Well", says the doc "we've cut the wrong leg off".

"Oh my God", screaches the woman, "what's the good news"?

"Your bad leg's getting better", says the doc.

ctabuk · #41 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 09:05 AM

OOUCH! Have you been buying back issues of the Beano?

If you want old jokes, lets do a classic.

Airplane - Catain to Passengers - Sorry every one, just had engine failure in number one engine - no need for alarm, Allow an extra hour on your Journey

- Captain to Passengers 'Sorry about this, but number two's gone now, but we are ok - allow another two hours please.

- Captain to Passengers 'Well we are having fun today, you won't believe whats happened, well you might! Ha Ha - Number 3's gone what a nuisance (British Pilot - we don't panic - stiff upper lip and all that) anyway passengers, allow another 5 hours, we've got plenty of fuel left.

And this little Irish Guy turns to the passenger next to him and say's - actually you've probably guessed, so I thought I'd drag it out a bit - anyway the little guy said 'Crikey, if number 4 packs up, we'll be up here all day!

nozzmoking · #42 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 09:12 AM

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself.

This has been a recorded announcement. Thank you for flying ConAir"

nozzmoking · #43 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 09:37 AM

Man goes into butcher's shop and says to the butcher, "Have you got a pig's head"?

"No", says the butcher, "it's just the way I part my hair".

ctabuk · #44 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 09:49 AM

This guy was flying his little single engine plane, when it went into a sudden spin, he panicked and baled out. It was not his day, the parachute would not open, so he tried to do a running repair. He thought he had died as he saw a guy flying towards him, he thought - it must be an angel - he yelled out, do you know anything about parachutes? And the guy replied, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?'

nozzmoking · #45 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 09:54 AM

LOL!!

nozzmoking · #46 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 09:55 AM

This one tells betters than it reads, but here goes:

Fritz is 3 years old, but has never, ever uttered a single word.

His parents are naturally, quite concerned.

They take him to Frankfurt to be seen by various specialists who report that his eyes, throat, ears are all functioning correctly and that there should be no reason why he won't speak.

Fritz is now 13 years old and still has not spoken one single word.

On his 14th birthday, Fritz is sat at the head of the table surrounded by all his friends and family.

Slamming his fist down on the table Fritz at last speaks, "Ze peas are cold"!!

His mother bursts into tears and exclaims, "Fritz, Fritz, you have spoken, oh my God", "Why hef you vaited all zees years before you speak"?

Looking very studiously Fritz replies, "Until now" he pauses and then slowly drawls out, "everything has been satisfactory".

ctabuk · #47 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 10:27 AM

LOL - This reminds me of the time that Global Hostings and I used to do this here in the breakroom!

This Farmer, oh before I begin I'm doing my quips like Ronnie Corbett, you know the short guy, anyway, where was I - Oh yes -This Farmer goes into a cinema, and the manager asks him why he's got a cockeral on his shoulder 'Ooo Are - good accent, hope you can hear it ok - Ooo Are he say's -This be Jimmy me prize cockeral, we goes everywhere together' 'Well' said the manager 'You are not coming in here until the cockeral is outside where it belongs - we might be showing Animal Farm, but we don't want them in the audience as well' - I threw that bit in to give it authenticity.
Anyway, this farmer goes back out through the door and stuffs the cockeral down his trousers - goes back and buys a ticket. he sits down next to these two little ladies and takes the cockeral out of his trousers and sits back to watch the film. One lady sitting next to our farmer say's to her friend - 'Man next to me is a pervert, he just unzipped himself and said 'right cockeral - fresh air, now watch the film'- To which her friend say's 'Well at our time of life, there's not much we have not seen before, I've had men sit next to me and do very similar things' ' Well' she replied 'that's all very well, but did they eat your popcorn?'

nozzmoking · #48 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 10:49 AM

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A. From a catalogue.

kgun · #49 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 04:16 PM

A farmer had a **** which had raped all of his hens. The farmer got angry, and intended to killing the ****. The vultures were already cirkeling over the dying ****. The farmer was about to deal the **** the finishing blow. "Wait!" the **** shouted. "I see hens in the air!"

Chris · #50 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 04:24 PM

omigod kgun, that's the best thing i've ever read on WPW. hahahahahahaha. the double entendre exhibited in your joke is incredible.

good show, my man.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode