Funny Story - Page 3

JKomp · #**101** (**permalink**) 03-06-2006, 11:53 AM

Not sure if it's the one you're looking for but characteristic would work better, but feature makes sense pretty much.

wdbme · #**102** (**permalink**) 03-06-2006, 04:08 PM

A guy is driving through Tennessee country side and he sees a sign that reads TALKING DOG FOR SALE. He drives up the lane and ask the farmer sitting on the porch "Do you really have a talking dog for sale". "He's tied up in the barn" says the farmer. So the guy heads for the barn, sees the dog and ask "Can you really talk?" "Yep" says the dog. "What's your name?"...."Rover" says the dog...."This is wild, I never heard of a talking dog" .... so the dog tells him "they found out I can talk when I was just a pup and as soon as the government found out I was immediately recruited into the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) and I spent the next 8 years jetting from country to country, sitting in on secret meetings with Heads of States and their spies and such and of course they didn't suspect a thing having a dog in the room so I was the best secret agent the governemnt. But after 8 years the travel got the best of me, that's what, 57 human years? So I decided to come back here and work at the airport hanging around suspicious looking travelers and such and I was awarded all sorts of accomodation medals for the work I did at the airport. Eventually that pretty little thing over there dropped a litter of 9 puppies so I decided to stay here and help her raise them and here I am". "That is an incredible story" says the traveler so he goes to the farmer and ask how much he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" says the farmer. "Ten dollars for an incredible dog like that? Why are you selling him so cheap"? The farmer says "because he's a liar, he didn't do any of that stuff".

ctabuk · #**103** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 04:54 AM

Now that's what I call a good first post. Feel free to keep making us laugh!!!

A guy in the jungle sees an elephant holding its foot in the air and it's crying (Ahhhh!!!) There is a huge thorn in its foot, so the guy bravely goes over and pulls the thorn out and the elephant kissed him with his trunk and wandered off.

Now, an Elephant never forgets.

10 years later the same guy is sat in a circus audience and he's watching the elephants troupe around. One of the Elephants suddenly stopped and pointed his trunk at the guy and then lifted the same foot. The guy got out of his seat and walked to embrase the elephant. As he reached the elephant, it lifted it's foot as high as it could and smashes the guy in the face. It was a different Elephant.

jmiller · #**104** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 09:52 AM

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What are the spots on the bottoms of elephants' feet?
Slow natives.

Groucho Marx: I shot an elephant in my pajamas this morning. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Oh...and a duck joke

Mama, Papa, and Baby Duck are trying to fly south for the winter.

Mama Duck: My instincts tell me we're going West.
Papa Duck: My instincts tell me we're going East.
Baby Duck: My end stinks too, but I don't know which way we're going.

ctabuk · #**105** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 10:40 AM

Three Animals

Polar Bear 'When I roar in the artic circles all the animals hide'

Lion 'When I roar in the Jungle - the whole place trembles'

Duck 'When I cough -the whole World craps itself'

kgun · #**106** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 10:47 AM

the elephant kissed him with his trunk

Haven't you heard the story about the elephant that put his trunk in a river with crocodiles?

You have to hold your fingers on your nose when you read the elepahant's comment:

"Thought you was funny now."

Financial slogan:

If he walks like a duck, he "kwak's" like a duck and he behaves like a duck, then it simply is a duck.

ctabuk · #**107** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 11:45 AM

kgun, you keep taking the pills mate, they will work one day !!! JOKE!!!!

JKomp · #**108** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 12:21 PM

Taking the elephant joke a bit further.

Q - Why do male elephants paint their "more delicate regions" (testicles to you adults) red|
A - So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q - What's the loudest noise in a jungle?
A - A giraffe eating cherries.

MuNKyonline · #**109** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 01:44 PM

Q > How do you know an elephants been in your fridge?
A > By their footprints in the butter!

Q > How do you know when there's an elephant under your bed?
A > Because your nose touches the ceiling!

esiegel · #**110** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 03:22 PM

how do you know when unmarried elephants are making love in you yard?

the garbage can liners are missing.

jmiller · #**111** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 05:15 PM

eww.

you know i heard something interesting about walruses...never mind

Chris · #**112** (**permalink**) 03-07-2006, 05:21 PM

what do elephants use as... er, um, sanitary napkins?

sheep!

ctabuk · #**113** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 05:03 AM

A Poodle gets lost in the jungle. Don't ask how he got there, come on it's a doggy tale.
Anyway, this Poodle gets spotted by a panther, no not painted in spots by a panther 'seen by a panther'

So the panther stalks the poodle who sees the panther and thinks 'Bye bye world' but being a resourceful poodle he happens to have a bone on him, so he starts to chew it, just as the panther starts it's leap the poodle say's 'Curses, I've finished another Panther, I wonder if there are anymore about'and throws the bone away. The Panther thinks ' Jeepers Creepers, that was a close call and stops his run and heads off in another direction.
As it happens, a Monkey saw what was going on and thought ' There must be some mileage in this, might even get the panther to stop eating us lot' So he swings through the trees and finds the panther. Safe from his tree he calls down 'Hey Idiot, that poodle made a complete fool out of you, that was any old bone, now if you promise to leave us alone, I'll take you to him and you can eat him'
The Panther agrees and the Monkey swang down from the tree and rode on his back to where the Poodle was trying to hide.
The poodle looked up to see the panther complete with the monkey on his back heading towards him at an alarming rate, so he said in a loud voice 'Where's that bloody monkey, I sent him off hours ago to find another Panther'.

kgun · #**114** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 10:21 AM

Two Norwegian words and how they are pronounced:

Pils = Popular Norwegian beer. Pronounced the same way as English pills.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ctabuk

kgun, you keep taking the pills mate, they will work one day !!! JOKE!!!!

1. How top sellers are handled in Skandia life.
Sellers are handled like Kings in Scandia Life and the best sellers every year get a free trip to Southampton UK, to celebrate, eat and drink. One of them a top Norwegian seller that was not very fluent in English got to the bar and ordered two "pils". What do you think the answer was?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ctabuk

A Poodle gets lost in the jungle. Don't ask how he got there, come on it's a doggy tale.
Anyway, this Poodle gets spotted by a panther, no not painted in spots by a panther 'seen by a panther'

2. Recycling packaging (empty bottles).

"Pant" = Return pay for empty bottles that are thrown in the nature (recycling). There is an international Norwegian company, Tomra that designs and operates cost-effective system for recovering and recycling used packaging. Children love to collect used bottles etc., since they are paid from NOK 1 - 2.5 for returning packing that is returned to shops. So a "Panter" (Pronounced exactly as panther) is a person returning used packaging to shops.

Question:
Wich animal is the turbo capitalist in the jungle?

3. Like invisible links?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKomp

Taking the elephant joke a bit further.
Q - What's the loudest noise in a jungle?
A - A giraffe eating cherries.

Do you know the difference between an elephant and a cherry?

ctabuk · #**115** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 10:29 AM

kgun, we all love you here at WPW, but why is it that after I read one of your posts I feel this urge to seek a long secluded cave and scream!!! I reckon they've landed and kgun is in the first wave. Run for the hills everyone!!!!!

JKomp · #**116** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 11:34 AM

I'm still trying to work out why i was quoted.
:S
Did i hide a link somewhere in my post?

Chris · #**117** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 12:24 PM

i think he's replying to your elephant joke J...

ctabuk · #**118** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 12:41 PM

JKomp, that's why Chris in admin
Whats green and hangs from trees in the jungle?

Gorilla Snot

JKomp · #**119** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 01:45 PM

lol...well obviously chris.
And the hidden link thing was just a joke, I know Kgun is highlighting a link between the joke and something else, i just dont get what. Sorry for being slow Kgun, but could u help me out?

JKomp · #**120** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 01:47 PM

Oh wait I get it, I'm meant to say;

I don't know what is the difference between an elephant and a cherry?

right?

Chris · #**121** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 03:02 PM

i'm slow too. i misread his post as well. i guess all we can do is wait for kgun to clear the fog... HURRY.

:)

JKomp · #**122** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 03:29 PM

Oh yeah and Kgun the one thing I do get is the Pils, we have that in England too.

kgun · #**123** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 04:12 PM

I get associations and remember stories when other posters tell theirs. That is all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kgun

Question:
Wich animal is the turbo capitalist in the jungle?

Answer: Pink panther. Read above once more if you do not take the point.

3. Like invisible links?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKomp

Taking the elephant joke a bit further.
Q - What's the loudest noise in a jungle?
A - A giraffe eating cherries.

Do you know the difference between an elephant and a cherry?

Answer:
If you do not know the difference, you can not eat cherries.

New problem: Do you know how you eat an elephant?

jmiller · #**124** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 04:47 PM

you guys are way over my head...i'm just going to ignore you and go on with my happy-go-luck self...hey, it's springtime afterall! woo hoo!

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He's not coming.

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?
Sparky.

kgun · #**125** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKomp

Oh yeah and Kgun the one thing I do get is the Pils, we have that in England too.

So you got the pil(l)s?

You eat an elephant in the same way as a Big mac, bite by bite.

JKomp · #**126** (**permalink**) 03-08-2006, 06:26 PM

Yeah i get what you were doing now kgun, you're a funny guy.

ctabuk · #**127** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 05:35 AM

One eyed Deer = One Idea
Blind Deer = No Idea
There is another one but I enjoy modding

dharrison · #**128** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 08:15 AM

The jokes goes:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No Idea!

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?

Still No Idea!

How many Essex Girls does it take to make muffins?

Four. one to make the batter, one on oven duty and two to peel the Smarties!

I think I'm exempt from taking the michael out of Essex Girls as I am one myself :)

esiegel · #**129** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ctabuk

One eyed Deer = One Idea
Blind Deer = No Idea
There is another one but I enjoy modding

Blind deer with no legs = Still No Idea

jmiller · #**130** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 10:09 AM

I spent a lot of time with some fine British folks in Japan...and there were lots of fun misunderstandings like "bog" and "trainers"...the funniest one, a fellow from New Castle told me he was pissed. I asked "about what?"

My kiwi (New Zealand) boss and I had a couple of run ins...the first one, which came my 3rd day (also my 3rd day exposed to other cultures) in the country while we practice role playing (for teaching English, you perverts)

Liam: All right you're a clark.
Jake: I'm a Clark?
Liam: Right, a clark.
Jake: My name is Clark?
Liam: No, you're a clark in a shope
Jake: a clark in a shope...shope? shop...oh!! a clerk!
Liam: Right, a clark.

BTW, what's a Smartie? and I'm guessing "take the michael" is the polite way...the more vulgar way was troublesome to my American sentiments too

ctabuk · #**131** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by esiegel

Quote:

Originally Posted by ctabuk

One eyed Deer = One Idea
Blind Deer = No Idea
There is another one but I enjoy modding

Blind deer with no legs = Still No Idea

And if you add, no genitalia you know why I didn't post it!

ctabuk · #**132** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmiller

I spent a lot of time with some fine British folks in Japan...and there were lots of fun misunderstandings like "bog" and "trainers"...the funniest one, a fellow from New Castle told me he was pissed. I asked "about what?"

My kiwi (New Zealand) boss and I had a couple of run ins...the first one, which came my 3rd day (also my 3rd day exposed to other cultures) in the country while we practice role playing (for teaching English, you perverts)

Liam: All right you're a clark.
Jake: I'm a Clark?
Liam: Right, a clark.
Jake: My name is Clark?
Liam: No, you're a clark in a shope
Jake: a clark in a shope...shope? shop...oh!! a clerk!
Liam: Right, a clark.

BTW, what's a Smartie? and I'm guessing "take the michael" is the polite way...the more vulgar way was troublesome to my American sentiments too

JMiller, a 'Smartie'is an olde worlde name for the friends of the menfolk of Essex as recorded in the Doomsday Book -if they lost their Smartie or true love -then these posters would appear around the villages

Glad to of been of some cultural help.

dharrison · #**133** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 10:53 AM

This should explain everything Jason. http://www.nestle.com/Our_Brands/Cho...nery/Smarties/

BTW David, are you on the same medication as kgun (only messing)

And Ed, our deer jokes were similar, but you just worded it better (well it was the morning when I wrote mine).

ctabuk · #**134** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 11:00 AM

Essex Man - extracted from the Doomsday Book - I rest my case.
Yes kgun and I are both on Pils - but I like red wine with a meal

jmiller · #**135** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 11:07 AM

Those look remarkably like M&M's...These are smarties in the States

esiegel · #**136** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dharrison

And Ed, our deer jokes were similar, but you just worded it better (well it was the morning when I wrote mine).

sorry...I didn't see yours...It was morning here too.

JKomp · #**137** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 12:14 PM

The differences in chocolate bars between the UK and USA have caused me some trouble in the past.

Snickers are still snickers, but the ones in the US give you instant hyperglycaemia, leading to diabetes.

Mars bars in the UK are milky bars in the USA.
And there are plenty of others like that.

And Hershey's is just disgusting, tastes like baby sick, not that i frequently go to baby sick tastings, but i'm pretty sure the two are similar.

Even the cadburys in the states doesnt taste quite right, which is probably just a psychological thing (yes i'll keep taking the pils too).

Please don't be offended Americans, you have some great strengths, but your candy/sweets for me is just not one of them!

jmiller · #**138** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 12:41 PM

Homer Simpson speaking Queen Elizabeth:

"Please, Your Majesty, I know that I, like many other Americans, have behaved like a total buffoon. But we Americans are England's children. I know we don't call as often as we should and we aren't as well- behaved as our goody two-shoes brother, Canada -- who, by the way, has never had a girlfriend -- I'm just sayin'!"

I'm a Reese's Cup guy. Mmmmm. And I never met a pie I didn't like. If you're ever in Japan, skip the donuts. They really don't get what sugar is for.

kgun · #**139** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 01:44 PM

Tea quotes: An exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill that took place in the Houses of Parliament one day.

Lady Astor (infuriated): Mister Churchill, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your tea.

Churchill: Madam, were I your husband, I would surely drink it.

................................................

Jim to his best friend John:
John nothing more bad can happen to you now, when your house has burned down, you has been fired from your job and your wife left you.

John: My wife can return.

No more jokes for kgun for a while, since he must help his sick daughter.

JKomp: No hacking or bad redirects.

JKomp · #**140** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 02:44 PM

Not even harmless hacking?

kgun · #**141** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKomp

Not even harmless hacking?

Ok. Tell me if you manage to enter her photo section. Interesting to see how secure a password protected folder is at my hoster. You get one pils if I meet you sometime, and you manage it.

If you want more pil(l)s you have to buy them in UK.

Now, I leave to help her, but she has a computer, so may be I log into WPW to see if there are anything new under the sun. If you do not manage to hack the photo section, may be you should learn Russian and ask on the Russian forum.

jmiller · #**142** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 04:38 PM

This joke, as I understand it was told by Am. comedian Geechy Guy and selected by a British mag as the no. 1 religious joke ever (don't worry, it's not offensive...just funny--in a slightly dark kind of way)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

JKomp · #**143** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 06:36 PM

Now that's funny.

JKomp · #**144** (**permalink**) 03-09-2006, 07:12 PM

Ed, or Anthony, werent you on Richard and Judy today?

dharrison · #**145** (**permalink**) 03-10-2006, 03:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKomp

Ed, or Anthony, werent you on Richard and Judy today?

Aww! And I missed it :(

What was Ed trying to publicise - I mean how did the interview go?

JKomp · #**146** (**permalink**) 03-10-2006, 04:03 AM

He said he has a new film or something, i wasnt really paying attention, the bit i did listen to was him saying he might be too busy to go on tour with Little Britain.

bodgekaloopie · #**147** (**permalink**) 03-11-2006, 09:07 PM

For all you deer jokers...

What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs hanging on the wall? -Art

What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs floating in a pool? -Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs floating in a hot tub? -Stew

What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs on the front porch? -Matt

What do you call a woman with one leg? - Ilene

ctabuk · #**148** (**permalink**) 03-15-2006, 10:23 AM

New Joke

Passenger Plane on the tarmac, all the passengers are seated and waiting for take off. Two pilots enter the plane from the rear and walk up the aisle with guide dogs. They open the cockpit door and disappear within - the plane engines start and they start the take off. The plane shoots off towards an old quarry and the passengers all start screaming, but the plane takes off and goes off on its way. One pilot turns to the other and say's 'One day they will scream too late and then we'll be in trouble'

ctabuk · #**149** (**permalink**) 04-19-2006, 10:57 AM

Just heard this got to share

A little lad is in his garden burying a dead pet. The nighbour comes over and says 'What are you doing son?' The little lad said 'I'm burying my goldfish'
the neighbour said 'That's a very big hole for a goldfish'
The little lad said
'I know, it's inside your cat'

MuNKyonline · #**150** (**permalink**) 04-19-2006, 11:54 AM

Haha that ones good =P

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