Funny Story - Page 2

Kangawallahop · #51 (**permalink**) 02-02-2006, 06:40 PM

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! What are you doing?"

The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The koala looks down and says

Mate! how much water did you drink?!!"

jmiller · #52 (**permalink**) 02-03-2006, 03:19 PM

A piece of string walks into a bar, props himself up on a stool and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind in here. Get out."

So the piece of string goes outside and begins tearing at his ends, pulling the fibers at the ends of himself into tattered arrays, throws himself down in the dirt and wallows around until finally he's tied himself into a knot. He goes back into the bar and sits back down on the same stool and orders a beer.

The bartender looked at him suspiciously and asks, "aren't you the same piece of string I just threw out of here?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

dharrison · #53 (**permalink**) 02-03-2006, 03:30 PM

OMG.

OK heres one:

Two nuns, Sister Mathematical (SM) and Sister Logical (SL), were returning from the cathedral. It was getting dark, and they were still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants?
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He can't follow us both.

The man decided to follow Sister Logical. Winded, Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and began worrying about Sister Logical's fate when Sister Logical arrived.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you're here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?!
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could, and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And??
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

JKomp · #54 (**permalink**) 02-03-2006, 03:41 PM

Hahaha superb.

ctabuk · #55 (**permalink**) 02-08-2006, 12:00 PM

Oh what a day - My wife just reversed the car out of the garage - No big deal, but I reversed it in last night!

JKomp · #56 (**permalink**) 02-08-2006, 12:03 PM

hehe you guys crack me up. This thread should come with a health warning - any breakroom mods around?

MuNKyonline · #57 (**permalink**) 02-09-2006, 06:17 AM

Hope this is not too funny. But for your sake JKomp:

**WARNING - This might make you laugh a lot!**

dharrison · #58 (**permalink**) 02-09-2006, 06:28 AM

Ha ha ha ha thats brilliant! :D

I'm gonna have to check my archive.

MuNKyonline · #59 (**permalink**) 02-09-2006, 06:32 AM

Got another :

MuNKyonline · #60 (**permalink**) 02-09-2006, 06:52 AM

Sorry WPW dog lovers :

nozzmoking · #61 (**permalink**) 02-09-2006, 08:53 AM

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

MuNKyonline · #62 (**permalink**) 02-09-2006, 09:09 AM

ROFL!! I wonder how well that one's going to go down with all the WPW members :)

dharrison · #63 (**permalink**) 02-09-2006, 04:00 PM

Munky, do you read Mad Magazine by any chance?

MuNKyonline · #64 (**permalink**) 02-10-2006, 05:09 AM

Nope but if it contains jokes like that then I might start reading it. Those pics were taken from a powerpoint collection of jokes that a work collegue sent me last year. The others weren't quite as good!

ctabuk · #65 (**permalink**) 02-10-2006, 06:16 AM

Vampire Bat (love the cartoons btw)flies back into its cave dripping in blood.

The other bats wake up and smell the blood and fly around the blood soaked bat 'Where is the body? Take us to it' 'Leave me alone -I'm trying to sleep' replies the bat.
'No' bellows the head bat - 'Take us to it now'

So the bat flies out and leads the other thousands of bats - 'See that Tree?' asked the blooded bat
'Yes' they all replied
'Well I didn't'

kgun · #66 (**permalink**) 02-10-2006, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nozzmoking

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A Dane, a Swede, and a Norwegian were in a plane, which was about to crash. "We have only two parachutes!" the Swede shouted. "We will have to draw lots to deceide who gets the first parachute." The Swede won the first parachute, and so he took his backpack, and jumped. "Well, that leaves us with 50% percent chance each," said the Dane. "No problem," said the Norwegian." "You see, "I gave the Swede a backpack without a parachute in it."

**crankydave** · #67 (**permalink**) 02-10-2006, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kgun

Quote:

Originally Posted by nozzmoking

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A Dane, a Swede, and a Norwegian were in a plane, which was about to crash. "We have only two parachutes!" the Swede shouted. "We will have to draw lots to deceide who gets the first parachute." The Swede won the first parachute, and so he took his backpack, and jumped. "Well, that leaves us with 50% percent chance each," said the Dane. "No problem," said the Norwegian." "You see, "I gave the Swede a backpack without a parachute in it."

I've heard it told as...

A doctor, a lawyer, a boy scout and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The boy scout handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just jumped off the plane with my back pack."

Dave

kgun · #68 (**permalink**) 02-10-2006, 05:17 PM

Regarding lawyers.

Do you know the difference between a lawyer and God?

Answer:
God does not think he is a lawyer.

Yet another.

The judge to the doctor, who checked the body of the victim. Are you sure that he was dead? Yes, as I told you, the brain laid on the table, but I can not guarantee that he does not walk somewhere on the earth, reincarnated as a lawyer.

Do you know the definition of an economist?

My answer, I am sure you have better.

An economist is a person that can tell tody, that what he told yesterday was wrong.

Look at my posts :-)

ctabuk · #69 (**permalink**) 02-13-2006, 09:55 AM

There's this lovely little old lady, who lives alone with her talking dog. No one else knows that the dog can talk - it is their secret - One day the little old Lady -(sorry - I know the end and I keep giggling) said to the dog 'Go and fetch me the Sunday Papers Rufus' That btw is the dogs name, in case you were wondering who Rufus is.
Anyway, Rufus says 'I'll need cash, he won't give me credit unless I start talking'- So she gave him some cash and off he went - Five hours later, no sign of Rufus, so the little old lady makes her way towards the newsagents and sees Rufus bonking this French Poodle Female Dog -'Rufus' she screamed -'You've never done anything like this before, what has happened to you?' Rufus replied 'Oh I've tried with this one before, but this time I've got cash'

dharrison · #70 (**permalink**) 02-13-2006, 10:06 AM

ha ha ha. Very good lol.

Did you know that if Britain join the European Single currency, we will no longer be able to use the phrases "spending a penny" or "going for a pee".

This will instead be replaced by the phrase "to Euronate!"

MarcieZoob · #71 (**permalink**) 02-13-2006, 11:12 AM

My favorite joke of all time:

There were three women were at their gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor believed that the way the couple had sex would determin the sex of the baby.

The doctor asked the first woman, "In what position was the baby conceived?" to which she replied, "My husband was on top".

"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top of my husband," was her reply.

"You will have a baby girl," said the doctor.

Suddenly the third woman, who was also a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doctor.

The blonde cried, "We're going to have puppies!"

ctabuk · #72 (**permalink**) 02-13-2006, 11:30 AM

Wash your mouth out, but if you can get away with it! so can I
Village idiot tells his Dad 'I'm gonna Marry Wendy' The Dad smiles and say's 'That's fine Son, she's not right in the head either, do you know what to do on the wedding night? - 'Eat cakes, Dad, watch TV and maybe open a six pack' ' No Son, you have to consumate the wedding, do you know how to do that?'
'No Dad, it's a soup ain't it'
So Dad explains the facts of life and even shows him the village tree which is famed for giving the facts of life to those you place their ******* in a hole about 3 feet up. The wedding goes of just fine and the Son and his bride Wendy retire to their little bed sit, given to them by Dad. Later that evening the entire town is awakened by horrendous screaming coming from the bedsit. Dad barges the door down and there is his son brandishing a lit stick and about to put it 'you know where' - 'What are you doing Son?'
'Making sure there's no wasps nest in this one Daddy'

MuNKyonline · #73 (**permalink**) 02-13-2006, 12:50 PM

O man, that is wrong David. But very very funny ;)

kgun · #74 (**permalink**) 02-13-2006, 01:44 PM

Haven't you heard the story about the man that wanted to qualify as a bandit in Chicago?

To qualify, he had to take a bottle of Scotch whisky bottoms up, reap a woman and beat a polar bear in hand wrestling.

The bottle of whisky was emptied in seconds. He went into the room with the polar bear and came out with blood all over his body and shouted?

Where is the lady I should beat in hand wrestling?

pemburung · #75 (**permalink**) 02-16-2006, 11:30 PM

Warning: makes a bit more sense for Americans.

So the priest has to interview three novices to see if they have learned enough to enter the priesthood. He calls the first one in, and thinks of a question that will tell him that the novice is ready.

"My son, what is the true meaning of Easter?"

The novice pauses, thinks, then says:
"Father, Easter is very important, as at that time the Easter Bunny visits and leaves eggs for the children, and the delight in their faces is truly miraculous."

Hmmm, thinks the priest, and tells the novice to send in the next man.

"My son, what is the true meaning of Easter?"

The novice, clearly nervous, thinks long and hard.
"Father, Easter is very important, for at this time of the year the ski season ends in Colorado, and people are freer to attend church and praise of the Lord."

"Hmm, OK, very good. Please send in the next."

"My son, what is the true meaning of Easter?"

The novice doesn't hesitate.

"Father, Easter is the most important time on the Christian calender. For it is written that on the first day of Easter, the day we call Good Friday, the Romans take our Lord, and mock him in a false trial, and drag him to the hill called Calvary, where they smite him with harsh weapons, and nail his Body to a crude cross. There he hangs, until he dies. But his believers, God bless them, take his Body, and repair it to a cave, where to protect Him they cover the entrance with a huge rock.

And there Our Lord lays for 3 days, but Hallelujah, on the third day He rises from the dead, and rolls away the rock

And if he sees his shadow....

JKomp · #76 (**permalink**) 02-17-2006, 11:46 AM

I don't get it :S

Chris · #77 (**permalink**) 02-17-2006, 12:09 PM

this may help clear things up, JKomp.

**crankydave** · #78 (**permalink**) 02-17-2006, 02:34 PM

Thought I'd share this one here too...

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he
is carrying a baby pig under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs... I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

Dave

jmiller · #79 (**permalink**) 02-17-2006, 05:00 PM

heh...[hic] no comment on old Red Face

AND IF HE SEES HIS SHADOW! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...i'll be telling that one for a while.

I'm really amazed at how well behaved everyone's been in here ;-) For your reward, here's a few quickies.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his zipper.

The bartender asks, "Hey! Do know you have a steering wheel hanging from your zipper?"

The pirate replies, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

Did you hear about the old man that mixed up his viagra stash with his laxatives?
He didn't know if he was coming or going.

Why do old men take viagra?
Keeps them from rolling out of bed.

Did you hear about the blind guy that went bungee jumping?
He loved it, but it scared the shit out of his dog.

What's round, purple, and goes "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang?"

A: A four-door grape.

Heh. I'm here all week. Try the veal.

ctabuk · #80 (**permalink**) 02-21-2006, 11:12 AM

LOL

A little Lad is playing hide and seek on his own, and his Mum has got a Lover in the house/
Dad arrives home, and Mum pushes her lover into the closet - the little boy has company.
Little Boy 'It's dark in here'
The Man 'Yes it is'
LB 'I've got a baseball bat in here, do you want to buy it?'
'No'
'My Dads home, I think I'll go and see him'
'How much is the baseball bat?'
'$250.00'
'OK I'll buy it'

2 weeks later it happens again
LB 'It's dark in here'
TM ' Yes it is'
'I've got a baseball glove in here, do you want to buy it?'
'How much is it?'
'$750.00'
'OK I'll buy it'

Next day the Boys Dad, say's 'Hey Son, why don't we go and play some baseball with your new baseball bat and glove?'
'Can't - I've sold them'
'How much for?'
'$1,000'
'Jeeze Son, you can't go around ripping your friends off like that, I'm taking you to confession' and off they went
'It's dark in here'
'Don't start that shit again'

chandrika · #81 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 05:04 PM

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

dharrison · #82 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 07:38 AM

LMAO! Very funny Jason ;)

Along the same mould as Chandrika's, I've got an Actual dialogue from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired at last count, he was suing, but this was some years ago. (Blue is the buffoon customer)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power . . . A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f*****g stupid to own a computer."

jmiller · #83 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 10:09 AM

lol. yup. there are times when you just can't hold it in. it has to be said or you'll blow up.

Here's a true personal story of mine:

In college I was working as a waiter during the inaugural season of the local minor league baseball team, The Lexington Legends. I was in the "Members Only" part of the park, the exclusive "Makers Mark Club," a very expensive restaurant and bar just behind home plate.

The thing about this place was that it opened two hours before the game, but nobody showed up until 15 minutes before--and we were always short staffed. Often I would have 12 or 15 tables sit down at once demanding beer and filet mignons and salads--the works. When that happens, you just have to hoof it as best you can (and I was a good waiter).

Well, one particular crazy day, at the 10th or 12th table down the line, I ran up sweating to a man's table--a red-faced man--to take his order.

He said, "I watched you ignore me for a half an hour."

I smiled and said, "Sir, I wasn't ignoring you. It's just a crazy rush and it took me a little while to get to you."

He snarled and said, "I don't need a smart-ass right now."

I smiled and said, "You don't need a smart-ass right now? Well, good Lord, sir, I'll go get you another server!"

He had to wait another half an hour for someone to take his order.

Sometimes you just can't hold it in.

ctabuk · #84 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 10:17 AM

So that is the definition of 'A Waiter' LOL

dharrison · #85 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 10:34 AM

Ha ha Thats good. Can't imagine you as a waiter, Jason (not after the Buffy photo at Halloween anyway)

Witty retort from a waitress where the arrogant customer kept snapping his fingers to get her attention:

"It'll take more than your fingers to make me come, honey!"

Yes I know I lower the tone

ctabuk · #86 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 10:53 AM

That was tongue in cheek if ever I saw it. I know me too

dharrison · #87 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 04:37 PM

I have a dreadful feeling that I heard that last witticism from you David.

If so, I apologise for stealing your glory. ;)

ctabuk · #88 (**permalink**) 02-24-2006, 05:53 AM

Debbie, I'll PM you and explain xxxxxx

pemburung · #89 (**permalink**) 02-24-2006, 01:16 PM

PC Alert: Blonde Joke

But it's a blonde guy, so that seems to be OK. Funny world. Anyway, back to the joke.

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

ctabuk · #90 (**permalink**) 02-26-2006, 08:32 AM

Very Good

The Patient Pilgrim

He spent 3 months at the top of Mount Sinea and everyday called out for God to grant him an audience.

Finally God arrived
'God' asked the pilgrim 'Tell me this I beg of you, what is a million years to you?'

'A mere second, my Son' replied the Almighty

'And what is a Hundred million dollars to you oh Host of Hosts?'

'I have no need of mortal monies, but such a sum in true wealth is but a penny'

'Then Lord give me a such a penny, I beg you'

'Of course my Son, just wait a second'

pagetta · #91 (**permalink**) 03-01-2006, 05:44 AM

favourite joke...

two fat guys at a bar, one says to the other, "your round", the other man looks and says "so are you you fat bas*ard"!

this one's better said than written down but it always makes me chuckle.....
why had edward woodward got 4 Ds in his name?.....
cos if he hadn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar!

(these are the only two jokes I can ever remember so I tell them repeatedly everytime I get drunk - its nice to have a new audience - also this thread has provided me with new material for this weekend - thankyou!!)[/img]

esiegel · #92 (**permalink**) 03-01-2006, 10:45 AM

my all time favorite...
3 old ladies die and are met at the pearly gates by an apprentice angel who tells them that he has made a dreadful mistake...they were not supposed to pass on for another 2 weeks. The problem is...if he just sends them back he could scare their relatives to death...then he'd have problems to deal with.

He tells them that they can return to earth as anyone they would like to be for 2 weeks...then he would bring them back.

The first says she would like to be that beautiful young lady...Lindsey Lohan....she goes back and has a great time for 2 weeks....

The second says she would like to be a young Elizabth Taylor...so pretty...she goes back and has a great time for 2 weeks.

The Third says she would like to be Sarah Pipelini...
The angel thinks and then asks "who is Sara Pipelini?"
The old lady digs through her purse and pulls out a newpaper clipping...hands it to the angel who says..."Lady...this says that 400 men laid the Sahara Pipeline in 2 weeks"

kgun · #93 (**permalink**) 03-01-2006, 03:03 PM

An IRA agent also arrived at the pearly gates, and was stopped by Sct. Peter. Sct. Peter said that Heaven was not for him so he could not enter. I am not entering Heaven either he replied, but came here with the following message:

You have 10 minutes left to go to hell out from here.

esiegel · #94 (**permalink**) 03-01-2006, 04:08 PM

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies,
"Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."

The old rooster says,
"I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn..... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?

Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!

dharrison · #95 (**permalink**) 03-02-2006, 06:17 AM

LMAO - that was funny. And you're not that old BTW. :)

I heard an excellent sitcom on Radio 2 talking about cosmetic surgery. Basically the situation was a man discussing with his surgeon getting a complete makeover:

Patient: And I want to have gentle bee-stung lips.
Surgeon: OK. Do you want the cheap version?
Patient: Yes please!
** Sound of Patient getting a smack in the mouth.
Surgeon: There you go.

Slapstick is always the best especially on the radio.

kgun · #96 (**permalink**) 03-02-2006, 11:48 AM

Another funny story from the pearly gates and Heaven.

1. The priest and the lawyer.

A priest had recently arrived in heaven. After a few days he goes to Sct. Peter and make a complaint about his appartment.

Sct. Peter listen, I did my duty as a priest all my life on earth, but look at my appartment and that of the lawyer. I have got a flat of 20 square meter, but the lawyer's flat is ten times bigger.

Sct. Peter replied, the reason my son, is that there are so many priests here, but only one lawyer.

2. The oil magnat.

An oil magnat has also recently arrived in Heaven and complained to Sct. Peter that there were so few from the oil industry there.

You see, replied Sct. Peter, the reason is, they recently found oil in hell.

JKomp · #97 (**permalink**) 03-02-2006, 02:40 PM

Okay i heard this on Countdown of all places so :S anyways here goes:

A doctor is giving evidence in court:

L:When you did the autopsy was the man dead?
Dr:Yes.
L:How can you be sure? Did you check for a heart beat or pulse?
Dr:No.
L:Did you check the temperature or respiration rate?
Dr:No, I didn't.
L:Then how can you say so certainly that he was dead at the start of the autopsy?
Dr:Because I had his brain in a jar on my desk.
L:Oh, well even so, isn't there a possibility he could have been alive?
Dr:Quite possibly, practicing as a lawyer somewhere.

JKomp · #98 (**permalink**) 03-02-2006, 02:43 PM

Okay, they get worse from here on:

Did you know elephants are really good at hiding in icecream?
No. I've never seen an elephant in my icecream.
Yes, I said they were really good.

ctabuk · #99 (**permalink**) 03-04-2006, 10:58 AM

Little old tramp sat on a grassy bank playing with a pile of dog poo.
Up comes Postman Pat 'What are you doing with dog poo Albert'
The tramp Albert replies 'I'm making a model and can you stand still a moment, cos it's of you'
'Now, stop it Albert, you can't go making models of me out of dog poo'
'Well I have see, here it is Postman Pat in dog poo'
Pat goes off to find Mr Plod the Policeman

' What you got there Albert?' asks PC Plod

'A dog poo model, with even more poo in it, so now it's a PC Plod model in dog poo'

'Right Albert, you're under arrest' Albert clutches on to his model which is also required as evidence.

Albert is before the Judge
'Right Albert' say's the Judge 'What have been up to?'

'I've been making poo models, I've done Postman Pat and I've done PC Plod, I'm working on something new now' he said still playing with the dog poo.

'It had better not be of me' warned the Judge

'Of course not' replied Albert 'I'd need piles more poo to do you'

kgun · #**100** (**permalink**) 03-06-2006, 09:06 AM

ctabuk wrote

An SEO person should (IMO)have the same status as a Bank Manager but a whole lot more fun!

Haven't you heard the story about the Central Bank Manager? He had a glass eye. A person get the task of pointing at his real eye. He pointed at the glass eye and said: "I think I see a human feature in it."

You English speaking, what is the rigth word? I do not think "feature" is the right?

Definition of a Bank advicer:
A person who lends you his umbrella on a sunny day and want it back as soon as it starts raining.

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