The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE.

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LOL..that is what I would put too !! :-)
Or even just ENTER.


Cindy

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The Best Dear John Reply Ever

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just to great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope long with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

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Pete

www.celna.co.uk

Nothing ever changes - Still stuck in the same damned corner!

An non believer was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic
trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to
himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly
charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on
him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left
paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!...."

Time stopped..... The bear froze..... The forest was silent.......

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?"

The non believer looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask YOU to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out and the sounds of the forest resumed and then
the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and
bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which
I am truly thankful. Amen"

LOL, bubbasmurf :o)

That reminds me of one with similarities to yours:

An 85 year old man is at the doctor for a routine visit one day, and the doctor asks the man how life is treating him lately.

The old man replies , "I couldn't be happier. I just got married to a 19 year old babe. And as a matter of fact, I got her pregnant, too!"

The doc looks at him and says, "Let me tell you a story. An old man is out walking in the woods when he happens across a 7ft. grizzly and startles it. The bear rears up on its hind legs, roaring angrily. Just as the beast is about to attack him, the old man points his cane at the bear and yells 'BLAM!'. The bear falls over, shot dead. What do you think of that?"

The old man says, "That's impossible. Somebody else must have shot the bear!"

"Exactly", says the doctor.

Nice jokes, I don't have any that would be allowed on here, so I won't post then, if I come up with any I will be back to post them, lol

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*Chris Child*
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Can we hold you too that??? ;)

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Ohhhh, Mik...that was a good one! ;0)

I have one, there is some nudity involved...so will the younger ones keep there eyes shut?

A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?".

The man says, "I am having these anxiety attacks something fierce, because of I don't know whether I am coming or going."

The doctor is puzzled, "What?".

"Doc I just don't know whether I am coming or going."

The doc says, "Well okay then...take of all your clothes and get down on your hands and knees and crawl over to that wall."

The patient does so and the doctor asks him to crawl back. And then to the wall, and back again. The doctor has him do this several times.

Finally the doctor just scratches his head and says "You know...I don't know whether you are coming or going either."

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The BoG Reborn

A man walks through the middle of a huge forest
There is no one else in the forest, not even his wife

Delighting in the beauty that surrounds him, if he talks to himself, is he still wrong?

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Pete

www.celna.co.uk

Nothing ever changes - Still stuck in the same damned corner!

Yes, here's one

A man walks into a bar. He is drunk. he walks up to the bar, sits on a stool, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, and would not serve him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly, climbs down off the bar stool, and goes out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same man walks in the side door of the bar. The bartender comes over, but more firmly refuses service to the man. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, and shows himself out the side door.

A few minutes later, the same man comes in through the back door of the bar. Orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, and will be served no drinks, and a cab will be called.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and cries "Do you work every where?"

OK so it's quite bad, but I thought hard to think of that one

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*Chris Child*
http://www.proxypla.net

Dodger that was BADDDDDDD! lol

Coolo_Chris I have never heard that one before! But SsssssssssHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone ;)

I bet WPW has the largest selection of jokes on the internet, with the fewest repeats. repeats? Yes repeats. ;)

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I can say only one thing about that....

"It feels like deja vu. It feels like deja vu."

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The BoG Reborn

It is not that stupid...but it reminded me of this one.

• A grasshopper hops into a bar and up onto a barstool. He orders a drink.
  
  The bartender comes over and says, "Hey! Did you know that we have a drink named after you?"
  
  At which the grasshopper replied, "What? You have a drink named Irving?"

That is about one of the corniest ones I know. The type of joke that always sounds better when you are drunk. ;0)

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ronniethedodger wrote thisIt is also one that you can understand when you are drunk lol

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die," and she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane..

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

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I like that one!!! Rofl and kicking

The other day this guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy his old '57 Chevy convertible. I thought it was a pretty good looking car and so I offered him 50 female pigs and 50 male deer. The guy looked at me kind of crazy like and started to mutter under his breath. I asked him what's the matter, don't you want a hundred sows and bucks?

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I would like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"Well, no, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, I suppose it isn't really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was fooling with his wife.


;-)

Jurgen

Help Minstrel!
Playto did what?
Disillusioned!
Ken

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Bad joke I know - AND here's another one ;)

Cemetery Walk
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Sent: Friday, January 23, 2004 11:17 AM
Subject: New Texas Quarters

WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

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State man, are you greeneagle? lol
I fell for it > GROAN! lol

Just when I think I'm out... they pull me back in!

I was intending to read the article on DSL modem, two computers and a router and couldn't help but click on the Texas quarters story... then I read a few jokes, then I remembered one I know...

I see how they get you now!

Okay, here's the joke:

A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bartender here?"

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It took me a couple of days before I got this one and I'm not normally that slow! (No one say anything!)

JMac

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Moving company in Vancouver

JMac You would have loved the croc - gater - human luncheon special earlier LOL

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

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"Remember Today IS Yesterdays Tomorrow"

I called my daughter (the one that just got engaged) over to the computer.

"Read this." I said. "It says a whole lot about marriage."

After she read it she said, "That's one of the best marriage stories ever!" I agree.

It took me a minute to get the termite, bartender connection - but I got it!


Here's one: A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"


A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any Cheetoes?"

"No." Says the bartender. "We don't have Cheetoes."

"Okay." Says the duck and he leaves.

The next day the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "Got any Cheetoes?"

"No." Says the bartender. "I told you yesterday we don't have Cheetoes."

"Okay." Says the duck and he leaves.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for the 3rd time, "Got any Cheetoes?"

"No!" The bartender screams. "And if you come in here and ask me again I will nail your beak to this bar."

"Okay." Says the duck.

The very next day the duck walks into the bar. "Got any nails?" he asks the bartender.

"No." The bartender answers.

"Good!" Says the duck. "Got any Cheetoes?"

Two men were driving down the M25, and a police man pulled them over and asked "Why are you driving at 25MPH", the two men said "There was a sign that said 25 when I got on", The police man replied "No that's the name of the motorway", "O, sorry officer", "what’s wrong with your friend, he’s all white and looks scared", "We just came off the B168!"

Yes I know it is good, all PM me to complement on my great joke!

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*Chris Child*
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