Updated Employee Handbook

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Restroom Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch, because... never mind, just because.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. (Ed. note: direct these to Brittany or Matauri, since they are taking over the world. Ed. question: Why isn't wenwilder part of that team? or is she sort of the "secret police" for the group?)

Have a nice week!

The Management

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Very nice !

Slightly off-topic,
but as a former Culinary Superstar / Executive Chef
Here's what I had hanging in my office

01. The Chef is right.
02. The Chef is always right.
03. The Chef does not sleep, he rests
04. The Chef doesn’t eat, he nourishes himself.
05. The Chef doesn’t drink, he tastes.
06. The Chef is never late, he is delayed.
07. The Chef never leaves the service, he is called away.
08. If you enter the Chef’s office with your own idea, you leave with his.
09. The Chef doesn’t have a relationship with his secretary, he educates her.
10. It is forbidden for Chefs to marry in order that their numbers shouldn’t increase.
11. The Chef is always the Chef, even in his swimming costume.
12. If you criticize the Chef, you criticize the Almighty.

(forgot where I got this)

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Cyanide that reminds me of the Britcom Chef.
It sounds like something he would have said.

Greyhawk