Puns

vfaulkner · #1 (**permalink**) 10-15-2003, 11:28 PM

A man who submitted almost a dozen bad jokes to a contest and didnot win anything.
Really, no pun in ten did!

:-g

KEEP IT CLEAN!!!!

minstrel · #2 (**permalink**) 10-16-2003, 01:11 AM

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

minstrel · #3 (**permalink**) 10-16-2003, 01:13 AM

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to see the doctor. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"

"Hmmm.... then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor.

"Your mother must have been a carrier."

minstrel · #4 (**permalink**) 10-16-2003, 01:31 AM

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.

The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.

Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

minstrel · #5 (**permalink**) 10-16-2003, 11:27 PM

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?"

The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."

And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"

minstrel · #6 (**permalink**) 10-17-2003, 09:04 PM

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, man, I'm a panda! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

tertius · #7 (**permalink**) 10-18-2003, 05:55 PM

That was two-thirds of a pun...PU!
(Unless you're trying to keep the peace, in which case it's...UN!!!)

tertius · #8 (**permalink**) 10-18-2003, 06:36 PM

Puns aren't just for children; they're also for 'groan' readers...!

showerherbaby · #9 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 06:40 PM

Great thread! I love puns, even though they are corny:)

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

www.showerherbaby.com

tertius · #10 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:19 PM

This one's dedicated to Janeth...<grin>

A Colombian visiting the USA went to a clothing store to buy some socks. Unfortunately, the salesman knew only English (and the Colombian, only Spanish). They run through a whole series of exchanges where the Spanish speaker asked: "Quisiera calcetines, por favor!"

The salesman, not knowing what was desired, brought out shirts, ("No! *Calcetines*!") ties, ("No! *Calcetines*!" ) pants, ("No! *Calcetines*!") undergarments, ("No! *Calcetines*!") sweaters,
("No! *Calcetines*!") hats, ("NO! *CALCETINES*!")--to the growing annoyance of both sides.

Running out of items, the salesman produces a pair of socks. The customer says, "Eso! Si, que es!" ("There! Yes, that's it!") To which the exasperated salesmen snaps, "Well, why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!"

tertius · #11 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:22 PM

There is a famous Frenchman's remark upon hearing Beethoven for the first time:

"Oui, une vrai bete aux vents..."

tertius · #12 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:44 PM

An Englishman rides a taxi in Amsterdam. He gets out and says to the driver "Tak euw well" (many thanks). The driver responds the usuall "As euw belift" (sp?)--whereupon the Englishman says "I never did!"

tertius · #13 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:47 PM

For the medically-inclined:

Whether life is worth living depends on the liver....

tertius · #14 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:48 PM

Is sheep milk truly ewe-nique?

tertius · #15 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:53 PM

What happened to the snake with a cold?
She adder viper nose....

tertius · #16 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:54 PM

For the Brits among us:

What's the lady copper doing up a tree?
She's working for the Special Branch.

tertius · #17 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:55 PM

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't, you get down from a goose!

tertius · #18 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 08:56 PM

Is the tomb of Karl Marx just another Communist plot?

tertius · #19 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 09:04 PM

How do you make a cat drink?
Put it in a blender.

Why did the window box?
Because it saw the garden fence.

How do you make a sausage roll?
Give it a push.

How do you make a Maltese cross?
Tread on his toes.

How do you make an elephant float?
Take two scoops of ice-cream, some lemonade, and add one elephant...

minstrel · #20 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 09:32 PM

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply." He's losing the great doors of the Ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now... Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."

minstrel · #21 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 09:37 PM

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light anddarkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "I think I'll call it a day."

minstrel · #22 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 09:42 PM

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.

Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one said, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replied the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says, "Then you must be....?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

minstrel · #23 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 09:52 PM

Evan and Dai were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst.

All at once they saw a collection of tents and market stalls in the distance. They rushed into the first and asked if they sold water.

"No," replied the Arab stall owner, "We only have custard."

The men went into the next tent and asked the same question.

"I'm sorry," said the second Arab, "We only sell jelly."

Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market, once again asking if there was any water to spare.

"A thousand apologies," said the Arab, "We only have sponge cakes."

The men left, disappointed and a little confused.

"That was weird," said Evan.

"Yes," replied Dai...

"It was a trifle bazaar."

(If this one leaves you with a blank look all over your frontal lobes, you may want to ask someone of British heritage about "trifle".)

minstrel · #24 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 09:58 PM

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other "You drive. I'll man the guns."

------------------

Evidence has been unearthed recently indicating that William Tell and his wife and children were avid bowlers.

However, all the league records from that time were later destroyed in a fire. Thus, unfortunately, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.