Non-politically Correct Joke - Page 3

mikmik · #**101** (**permalink**) 12-27-2003, 06:47 PM

from e-mail:

Celibacy - It's Origins

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters:

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Nick and his wife Anita listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Nick leaned over, touched Anita's arm gently whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Nick's life of celibacy.

ronniethedodger · #**102** (**permalink**) 12-28-2003, 02:57 AM

I was a fan of Carnack the Magnificent on the Johnny Carson show.

Questions were hermetically sealed inside of an envelope,
stuffed into a jar and placed under Funk n' Wagnalls rear porch.

Carnack would answer the question without knowing what the
actual question is going to be...then open the envelope and
read the actual question.

So in that spirit....this is my Blonde version of those envelopes

An Interpreter. envelope----> What do you call a brunette who gets caught between two blondes?

Farfromthinkin. envelope----> What do they call blonde's over in Germany?

I still have checks !!! envelope----> How can I be broke?

minstrel · #**103** (**permalink**) 12-29-2003, 03:24 PM

Dear Darling Son (and That Person You Married),

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is... the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

ronniethedodger · #**104** (**permalink**) 12-29-2003, 06:33 PM

Man...I got a letter like that the other day.

I wished I could of shared it with my long lost
brother who disappeared before I was born. I
wonder what he is like or where he is now. Mama,
doesn't talk about him much...and when she does
there are a lot of other "b" words that goes along
with it.

paulhiles · #**105** (**permalink**) 12-29-2003, 07:17 PM

Following on from mikmik's celibacy post...

"As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will; he will be sure to repent it."
-- Socrates

We need more beautiful women! Sound the horn!! ;-)

Paul

mikmik · #**106** (**permalink**) 01-08-2004, 01:34 PM

Butt Graft

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin.

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

ronniethedodger · #**107** (**permalink**) 01-08-2004, 01:41 PM

Good one Mik....I love it.

mikmik · #**108** (**permalink**) 01-30-2004, 04:04 AM

Bitter Quarrel

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

ronniethedodger · #**109** (**permalink**) 01-30-2004, 10:28 PM

That reminds me of the husband and wife who were coming up on their 50th Wedding Anniversary. One of the main reasons for their longevity and marital bliss was the total respect that they had for one another.

Early on in their marriage the husband had requested that his wife would never ever look inside the trunk of his car. The wife had respected that wish for 49 plus years, but a day before the blessed 50th curiousity had gotten the better of her and she opened the trunk. Inside, she found a basket with two ears of corn in it and a littl over $12,000 in cash.

The next night while celebrating their anniversary at the Starlight Ballroom, the wife was just itching to know what those items were in the trunk and asked her husband about them. While the husband was a little incensed over the idea of her looking inside the trunk against his wishes at first, he soon realized that 50 years was a very long time to have transpired without one transgression...so he decided to tell her what the items were.

"Mabel...I am sorry to say that every time that I cheated on you during our marriage, I would put an ear of corn into the basket."

The wife should have been upset by this fact, but she had figured only two affairs in 50 years of marriage was not so bad for a man. She decided to just nod her head in acknowledgement and give it never no mind.

"What was the cash in the trunk for, Harry?"

At which the husband replied, "Every time I filled the basket...I took it to Market and sold it."