Non-politically Correct Joke - Page 2

wenwilder · #51 (**permalink**) 10-10-2003, 01:14 AM

Since you're being so nice Minstrel and NOT picking on me I thought I'd share this: My personal therapy page!

hmmmm this might be a good one for Julian too. ;)

mdaiah · #52 (**permalink**) 10-10-2003, 03:03 AM

Blondie comes into the hair salon wearing small head phones and hands a note to the hairdresser which states, "Cut around the headphones and I'll pay you extra." Go enough -

2months later same deal and gradually over the months Blondie becomes a regular.

One day the assistant is so distracted as she puts the cover around the client that she knocks the head-phones off Blondie's head.

Blondie falls dead from the chair..
The hairdresser rushes over, takes up the headphones (thinking they might give a clue) and hears:
"Breathe in.....breathe out. Breathe in.....breathe out....
Michael

EdRust · #53 (**permalink**) 10-10-2003, 03:15 PM

about...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

This is what she pointed to...

http://www.manbottle.com/pictures/710.htm

if you want to save time and not go look
it was the OIL cap (upsidedown/backwords)

mdaiah · #54 (**permalink**) 10-10-2003, 05:09 PM

Hello EdRust,

Springfield mate, isn't that where Homer lives?

The inmates knew all the jokes so well they just used numbers. "65" roars a big bearded man and they all crack up.
"27" states another and all laught at length.
This goes on for a bit then a new inmate thinks he'll have a go, "47" he calls out and no-one laughs.
What's wrong with that joke he asks his cell-mate?
Nothing, it's a great joke, must be the way you're telling it!
Michael

wenwilder · #55 (**permalink**) 10-15-2003, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EdRust

about...
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

This is what she pointed to...

http://www.manbottle.com/pictures/710.htm

if you want to save time and not go look
it was the OIL cap (upsidedown/backwords)

My engine rebuilding teacher had that one posted behind his desk, he also liked to post the tool test that students took at the beginning of the year.....more than 90% of the 'boys' who took auto mechanics could not tell the difference between a pencil and a pen. And they gave me a hard time for being blonde! ;)

Here's another one that I always enjoyed.

In Hot Pursuit

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

mdaiah · #56 (**permalink**) 10-15-2003, 04:32 PM

The blonde motor-cycle cop.

A new sportscar comes with tw booster buttons. It was speeding so the cop chased it on her motor-bike. The driver hit the green button - zooom - but after a while the cop was catching up.
the driver hit the reb button and the sportcar just took off!!

Is she still there the passenger asked? As they couln't see the bike they turned and drove back only to see the bike splattered into the tree, across the road....and the poor cop dazed and batered.

What happened to you? they asked the cop.
"Well" she murmured," you took off so fast I thought my bile had stopped so I got off to have a look!"
Michael
Want gigantic ear-lobes- ask me how. Send $1000 today.

carju1 · #57 (**permalink**) 10-17-2003, 06:18 AM

A man entered a bus, both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people, a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked:

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Julian

tertius · #58 (**permalink**) 10-17-2003, 11:32 AM

A priest, a rabbi, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. Bartender sez, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

wenwilder · #59 (**permalink**) 10-19-2003, 04:35 AM

String Theory

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

mdaiah · #60 (**permalink**) 10-19-2003, 07:59 AM

The English landowner came back to his estate in Ireland and found the main gate ajar; so he called Mick and asked, "Why is the main gate left ajar?"
" Oh" says Mick, "well yr see Sir, I was half expecting you".
Michael

mdaiah · #61 (**permalink**) 10-19-2003, 08:06 AM

<Mod note> Michael, I liked the joke as would most of the members and as someone who lived a lot of their life in Wales I don't take offense at Sheep jokes, BUT as there is no age limit in this forum any joke involving or implying sex with animals is a NO NO. <carju1 Mod>

Michael

As Moses came down with the tablets, he turned back to Jaweh and asks, "We're meant to give up all the oil and cut the end off WHAT!?"

carju1 · #62 (**permalink**) 10-21-2003, 11:59 AM

DEAR DIARY
The honeymoon is over and I'm about to start my first week at home as a wife I think I'll impress Bob and try to be a good cook.

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is
what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got
back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for dinner(oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven
and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would
like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

wenwilder · #63 (**permalink**) 10-22-2003, 02:30 AM

On the OTHER side of the coin:

A sudden change of mind

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

Going crazy with confusion

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

I do enjoy jokes! ;)

mikmik · #64 (**permalink**) 11-01-2003, 12:59 PM

The seating arrangements at the wedding must have been a nightmare. Don't even speak to me about wills.

And you must've heard this one;
A wife comes bounding through her door and shrieks elatedly to her husband "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"Great," he yells excitedly, " Where should I pack for, the mountains or the beach?!"

"I don't care. Just get the $^@# out!!"

cyanide · #65 (**permalink**) 11-01-2003, 04:11 PM

okay, here's mine

dedicated to Wen and Brittany:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand
and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup tea,

and then

..." he sighed,

(Scroll down)

(Scroll down)

"let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box"

carju1 · #66 (**permalink**) 11-04-2003, 04:41 PM

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first NFL Football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept
screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

wenwilder · #67 (**permalink**) 11-04-2003, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carju1

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first NFL Football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept
screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

That is the best description of football I have ever heard! LOL I'm not a football fan, I admit it willingly. (To many years cheerleading - ick!)
That was a great joke though! :)

rocky1 · #68 (**permalink**) 11-04-2003, 11:36 PM

A few definitions to broaden our vocabulary whilst we're waiting upon the next Joke!

1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation after an evening on the town.
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
8. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
10. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
12.Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
13. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
14. Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.

Rocky

rocky1 · #69 (**permalink**) 11-05-2003, 02:49 PM

Norman and his wife live in Nebraska. And, one winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........" then the electricpower goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?

With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Rocky

minstrel · #70 (**permalink**) 11-05-2003, 11:37 PM

Why Did the Chicken cross the road?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us...

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

BILL GATES
Chicken2004 (codename "eChicken") will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, download and play your favorite DVDs on your TV set, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON What is your definition of "chicken"?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
One of them got away across the road?

HOMER SIMPSON

Mmmmmmmmm... chicken...