How to Stitch up a Telemarketer

**dharrison** · #1 (**permalink**) 11-08-2006, 04:04 PM

Hi

I have just been reading the jokes at Comedy Central and this snippet is worth reading through. Certainly if like me, you are constantly bombarded with telemarketing calls (and not all on the same soil):

1. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

2. Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

4. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

6. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

7. Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

8. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

9. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

10. When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.

Clicken · #2 (**permalink**) 11-09-2006, 12:22 PM

HAHAHA!!!

Those are great!

Remember,... telemarketers are people too so if they are inconsiderate enough to bug someone in the privacy of their own home then by all means serve it back to them!

Tell them you already have some and then try to sell them your stuff!

timmathews.com · #3 (**permalink**) 11-09-2006, 02:42 PM

I remember being a telemarketer when I quit my McDonalds gig...
I made a killing.
The how are you today stumped me a few times... Old ladies saying thier husband just died... I would feel bad for days.
Then, I thought of the perfect comeback...
The widow would say "Oh, dear, I can't... My husband just died... then I would say, "Surely you want to make a donation to us to carry on his tradition, let's have his legacy live on!" 95% of the time they would make a donation. 5% of the time, the son would get on the phone and cuss me out for making his mother cry.
You have to play the odds to survive.
;)

GroovyDaddy · #4 (**permalink**) 11-09-2006, 03:06 PM

Ok, for a change, I'll try some of those later. :)

xenu · #5 (**permalink**) 11-16-2006, 06:10 PM

I have come to love the national do not call list. After a move I had to do it all over again - I'd forgotten how many annoying people are out there trying to get you to buy something you don't need to impress people you don't like.

timmathews.com · #6 (**permalink**) 11-16-2006, 06:31 PM

Wow man, this thread is hopping.

How about asking the telemarketer to hold on for a minute, set the phone down and leave the house for dinner.

**brian.mark** · #7 (**permalink**) 11-17-2006, 03:03 AM

There wasn't an option for "I am an answering maching" on the poll. What's up with that?

Brian.

**dharrison** · #8 (**permalink**) 11-17-2006, 03:04 AM

Do you mean the pre-recorded phone call, Brian?

**brian.mark** · #9 (**permalink**) 11-17-2006, 03:12 AM

No... I am not human. I am a machine. I cannot buy anything. Where is that in your poll?

Brian.

**dharrison** · #10 (**permalink**) 11-17-2006, 03:15 AM

It is now.

timmathews.com · #11 (**permalink**) 11-17-2006, 01:06 PM

Wow. I have had days like those Brian.

**brian.mark** · #12 (**permalink**) 11-17-2006, 06:17 PM

The brianbot has returned. Thank you for adding my option, however, I had already voted. Error. Error. Danger, dharrison rogers. Danger.

This post will self destruct in...

Too late.

Brian.

(In case you're wondering, I feel like a zombie. It's called inventory, and I don't much like it.)

xenu · #13 (**permalink**) 11-20-2006, 10:20 AM

Sad to say, but while most of us don't buy anything from cold-call telemarketers, there are many who will. I have been one of these evil people who have called and I was never discouraged by the "no's", because you just keep on and eventually you come across that person, and when you get paid it is all worthwhile. I know it is sad to make money off someone else's misfortune, though, but believe it or not, there are a lot of good companies out there who have no other ways to get their products marketed and turn out to be very reputable companies.

jdiben · #14 (**permalink**) 11-22-2006, 02:16 PM

This is funny. Someone just sent it to me.
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

xenu · #15 (**permalink**) 11-24-2006, 10:37 AM

Oh, I have heard this one before. It is hilarious. I haven't tried it out yet, though. Luckily, I don't get too many calls now since being on the Do Not Call list.

chaunte · #16 (**permalink**) 11-27-2006, 08:32 PM

I say no & hang up.
I can hear them still talking as the phone goes down. LOL

zephyrireland · #17 (**permalink**) 12-28-2006, 05:43 PM

We get a lot of calls asking us to change telephone providers.

The first line is "Can I speak to the person who pays the phone bill please" ... the suggested response is "Oh, we don't pay our phone bills !"

They may also say "Are you interested in changing telephone providers" ... suggested response is "Oh , we don't have a telephone" .... wait a few monents as their brain melts and then hang up !

Telemarketers are a bit annoying but they have to do their job too !

danners02 · #18 (**permalink**) 01-03-2007, 06:06 AM

I actually wrote a script to use for when I was bored - as soon as they say "yada yada yada ... how are you today sir?" they get this:

"HOW AM I?

Well, not too good really

see, my car broke down this morning and when i got out to look at what went wrong my dog leapt out and ran away

so not only is my boss not happy i'm late but when i told my missus her dog was missing she dumped me.

I also need the car to drive to my Nans funeral tomorrow who died penniless in a freak ballooning accident last week.

I'm also concerned about the environment and the war in iraq but thats for another time

but i appreciate you phoning and asking - i didn't realise you samaritans were that pro-active - thanks a lot, i feel much better!

BYE"

*samaritans are a UK call line for depressed/suicidal people