Battle of the Sexes

EJRS.COM · #1 (**permalink**) 01-27-2004, 02:47 PM

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
topurchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for
atelevision set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It'sPillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle. Afew minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
foryour wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to thestore
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I
figure if I have to roll my own ............. so does she.

(Of course . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton :-)

WIFE vs HUSBAND!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper.

"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....

"HEBREWS"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me;God made me stupid so I would be
attracted to you!"

Czar · #2 (**permalink**) 01-28-2004, 08:32 PM

Note: This is a true story.

I heard this from a dear old friend some time ago about some great great great relatives of theirs who lived in 19th century Ireland. It always makes me laugh but it also reminds me that true love is real.

She came in from a day of shopping in the town market carrying a few baskets of produce and other house hold essentials along with a packet of wrapped laundry that had been sent out a few days before. Among the laundry were a few of her husbands shirts neatly folded and starched a crisp white, a few scarfs, and random undergarments.

Setting the load on the kitchen table she turns to the laundry cutting the twine and removing the soft white cloth it was wrapped in. She lifted each garment inspecting the work insuring the each stain and blemish was removed and up to her standards.

A line of red catches her eye when she lifts one of her husbands shirts. It look rusted and slightly smudged and vaguely in the shape of a kiss.

Being a true irish woman her temper flaired, her red hair flamed and those usualy calm sea green eyes shone a deep emerald. If looks could kill her "darling husband" would have been dead on the spot.

She turned and passed through the narrow servants hallway leading to the back parlor where HE usualy sat in the mid afternoon reading his paper and smoking one of his many pipes. She neared the sliding entry door the familiar smell of his tabacco caught her sences and her usualy refined features turned dark. Shirt in hand she slid the door open composing herself before stepping through. There he sat peacefully engrosed in the daily news a slight smile on his face skiming over the local nonsence.

He smiles is usual bright eyed smile when he notices her presence in the room. That smile faids quickly when one of the many nicknacks cuts the air aimed rather well at his head. He rises and takes over behind one of the over stuffed chairs.

She stands shirt in one hand more ammo in the other plates break tea cups shatter and priceless vaces come to peices against the wall. Her voice is no longer her own the anger has taken over. She lifts the shirt showing the rust colored stain shaking her fist at the hiding husband.

The assult is over and being a smart man he checks her hands before comming out of the make shift bunker. He eyes the shirt and begins to laugh. "Darling that is a blood stain. Do you remember when I cut my cheek shaving last week?" He turns his head showing the scabed over wound in his defence.

Her eyes soften alittle in recognition of her mistake. But again being and irish woman her pride is at stake now, and she is not about to appologize out right. She advances a few more feet in his direction her hand raised pointing at him growling these words:

"If I ever, ever hear of you cheating... I will burn Ireland down around you."

Being the kind of man that he is he cannot let this go with out a witty reply.

He steps within a yard of her holding out his arms that bright eyed smile restored to his face the healthy redness returned after the on slaught of the moments before and replies in a loud boisterous tone.

"Darling, YOU DO LOVE ME!!"

She walks into his arms, the usual charm and grace of a victorian lady firmly back in place, her laughter ringing throught the house. She whispers in his ear, "Yes darling and you are alive today because of it."

Dear WPW members, Always remember the anger of a woman is usually for your own good. :-)

Happy Posting :-)

Czar

EJRS.COM · #3 (**permalink**) 01-29-2004, 06:03 AM

Ouch.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.