Female vs. Male

GSO · #1 (**permalink**) 08-20-2003, 12:28 AM

Female vs. Male
An Even Dozen Differences
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw
in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's
on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she
does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

carju1 · #2 (**permalink**) 08-20-2003, 09:45 AM

I'm staying clear of this one :)

But I expect one of the ladies in here to respond with a suitable (i.e. clean) list showing up all our faults.

Julian

masterpeace · #3 (**permalink**) 08-23-2003, 12:07 AM

This one was sent to me by my Dad of all people. he can laugh at it. I hop the rest of you guys aren't offended either...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, £5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

PS thanks GSO for that one. I have read it a while ago, but I haven't seen it in a bit.

PBITech · #4 (**permalink**) 08-23-2003, 01:58 AM

Sigh,

I'll admit to being busted for most of the above. Except for number 6, you know the cat thing? I don't kick the cat, well, I tried once but missed, the little hair ball is just to fast for me.

Jim

Links411 · #5 (**permalink**) 08-27-2003, 03:45 AM

BUT we love it heres one for you all you must read entire joke

How To Shower Like A Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according tolights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener
at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look in the mirrior, look at your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12.. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull
off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo'sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone one among you who did not laugh at the truth
behind this information, there is something very wrong with you.

**ctabuk** · #6 (**permalink**) 03-29-2005, 08:12 AM

Boy's and Girls, as this was the first, and one of the funniest, lets add to it???
For example, should I be allowed to be referring to my wife as 'ratbag' in my threads?

**jawn_tech** · #7 (**permalink**) 03-31-2005, 12:33 AM

Quote:

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

I know in many cases, a woman skillfully wins an argument through the wear-down and forfeit strategy. Simply store away all arguments of past that hubby lost, then bring them up when a new argument begins, launched with "this is just like the time that you..." etc. Could have happened 5 years ago, but resurrecting it over again causes immediate surrender. Shock and awe.

Case in point, wife's junk she planned to throw away clutters my office. I whine about it, commence argument. Then she points out a similar argument we had about my junk I was supposed to do something with, a long time ago. But oh look, there it still sits right beside her junk. Checkmate.

Ah not so fast, I say. I quickly 'embellish' a little by saying I was planning on selling my junk on Ebay, but couldn't get to the computer on count of all her junk.

Didn't go over very well.

esiegel · #8 (**permalink**) 03-31-2005, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jawn_tech

Ah not so fast, I say. I quickly 'embellish' a little by saying I was planning on selling my junk on Ebay, but couldn't get to the computer on count of all her junk.

You, my friend, are a brave, brave man!

globalhostinggroup · #9 (**permalink**) 03-31-2005, 12:01 PM

humm... well this is.. um...
i think that ....
hum...
ok
that's cool

EJRS.COM · #10 (**permalink**) 03-31-2005, 10:18 PM

When I was in New Zealand I lived with 25 females in one house and even when playing scrabble I'd find a tampon in the scrabble bag! Guys can never win!

**jawn_tech** · #11 (**permalink**) 04-01-2005, 02:18 AM

This all reminds me of the matter of the exchange of rings, the symbol for marriage. I think society should take another look at this.

When you get married, people usually give their husband or wife a ring, when it ought to be a belt. After all, a belt is the one thing people wear that symbolizes keeping one's pants up.

**ctabuk** · #12 (**permalink**) 04-01-2005, 03:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EJRS.COM

When I was in New Zealand I lived with 25 females in one house and even when playing scrabble I'd find a tampon in the scrabble bag! Guys can never win!

With 25 females in one house, how on earth could you not win !!! Very funny post though