WebProWorld - View Single Post

Robert Warren · #3 (**permalink**) 07-09-2004, 10:14 PM

Zack,

I have to disagree with DCrux about the directness of the copy.

Your lead just isn't effective, and your headline is worse. I see what you're trying to do with your narrative opening; that's a very effective technique when done right, but just looks amateurish when done badly. It's a tough trick (even for an experienced professional), and I don't think you're pulling it off. The end result is that you're not getting your unique benefits across to the reader.

Don't lead with your product features. Lead with how you're providing your customers with a good night's sleep.

You at least seem to understand that you have to lead with emotional empathy; that's good. You're just using too many words to do it. I'd suggest an exercise: sit down and summarize the primary *emotional* benefit you provide to your customers, using only three words. Don't use any words that contain more than two syllables.

It's not as easy as it looks, but when you get it, that's the seed of your top headline. That's your lead.